Please please don’t read this as if I’m concieded or wanting this attention. I am not and try very hard to stay guarded these days around men. As a teenager I was very flirty and found myself in a lot of trouble to the point I second guess every encounter and make sure there is no mixed signals-
I feel like every guy friend/associate/colleague at one point has made a comment or pass that’s inappropriate- to the point I want to speak up now- there has never been any inkling from my end or anything that could ever be misconstrued as interest by mistake for them to think i would be interested. Surely I’m not the only one who encounters this and do you speak up and tell their spouses/partners on them? I’m over it and I hurt deeply for their loved ones at home and surely wonder that they must know what the guys say. I’ve been on the otherside with my ex and he never saw anything wrong with his comments as his female friends never pulled him up and he just saw it as my insecurities. I pull every guy up who makes an inappropriate/unwelcome comment towards me but I know wonder should I go to their partner?
Two examples recently- someone I know through my line of work had stopped work due to him moving interstate- this didn’t happen and i recently messaged asking is he still taking clients as I’ve found it hard to replace someone to do his job reliably- he said he’s happy to do work for me again as he’s kept some of his old work but not advertising per say- after a bit of general chit chat of how his wife and kids etc where he’s like on the side would you be interested in a FWB thing- like wtf we were just chatting about our kids and your wife!
Another one a few months ago someone I used to work with, have become good family friends with, kids at school together and his wife and I get along great- comes over to help me with rehab (I had a bad accident at work and him like most in our industry have had this accident before and injury so came over to do some massage/physio) as a friend and often helps like this at his with his wife around as he’s also got a massage degree- this time we were at mine and happened to be alone as kids where at school and my family members I live with went out- and he tried to make a move I shut down and he kept trying to push how he needs a release and I should help him in return. I kicked him out and haven’t spoken to him since.
My boss once when I was wearing shorts at work (mid summer outside industry job) is married with kids, twice my age and a wife that I love working for- sweeping up one day puts the broom up underneath my shorts and makes a dirty comment- I walk out not knowing how to react and that might send a message going huge line cross ever do that again and I say something to your wife that’s not okay. I was in a happy relationship at the time too and he knew my partner
Would you go to their partners and say anything? Or just pull them up on it and know they’ll go do it to someone else?
Edit- defiently a culture in the industry but we are all sole traders and no HR as such to go to- and those at the top in the industry aren’t worth notifying as they’re known to be the worst offenders. I’m just annoyed as all these guys I’ve seen as friends and can’t believe they’ve put me in this situation that I’ve had to loose a friendship over as morally I’m not being there friends after that
11 Replies
Sounds like your workplace (and perhaps even the entire industry you work in) has a real problem with sexual harassment culture.
Screw dobbing them in to their wives, I'd be taking it to HR - especially the broom in the shorts incident. Utterly inappropriate and unacceptable!
Unfortunately I’m a contractor and so is most in the industry so there’s not a HR person to go to as such. It’s ver much an industry culture. I just can’t believe how frequent it has been recently by those who are supposed to be friends
HR!! The place sounds terrible.
Agree with the above, absolutely disgusting behaviour from these men that needs to be followed up with HR. You are in no way responsible for this. You could walk around in a bikini if you wanted to, what you wear and being nice and friendly to people does not give them the right to sexually harass and assault you.
Wow good for you for standing up to these men and their wives. Good for you for standing up for yourself and shutting this down ASAP! I would do Exactly then same thing as you. I think you should tell your friend why you no longer have her husband around and explain to her that you don’t want it to ruin your friendship because it means a lot to you. Take it to HR when in the workplace and lodge a complaint also. I would be angry if my husband cracked on to a friend of mine and she didn’t tell me. I would kick his ass out weather he slept with her or not. How humiliating! These poor wives are at home with their kids. I also know this works both ways with some females too. I know a few females or pray on married men and it’s disgusting.
Standing up for their wives this was meant to say.
I'd report them to whoever can/will do something. Industry regulator, police, HR. Make sure you follow up to ensure something is done. It's shocking how often nothing is done unless forced.
You could warn the wives, but even if they're your friends you might not get the response you expect. Unfortunately, you might find they blame you instead. It's not your fault & this is about protecting themselves, not about you, so don't doubt yourself. You did nothing wrong.
Conceited*
I’m single and have noticed the same, all these married men looking for a bit on the side.
Unfortunately this happens alot. I separated from my partner and the amount of married men who were friends or acquaintances coming out of the woodwork was sickening. I thought they were nice, loyal husbands. I started to lose faith in men altogether and now understand why some married women do not trust single women. I've repartnered and it took alot of effort from him to break down my walls. We as women need to rely upon other women to shut these things down, even if they don't tell us because there are many men who do this. I for one enjoyed mentioning a man's wife to him when he started being sleazy. Thank you for doing your part and not being one of those women. Keep telling them to fog off.
Sounds like the construction industry. I absolutely think you should maintain your guard. Ensure you call out their shitty behaviour. I also think there is a way to protect yourself a little to. Don't ever have these people in your home 1:1, or meet up whatever. They have proven not to have a great moral compass so don't put yourself in that position ever. I don't think women should have to watch what they wear, however if you think that is creating unwanted attention, can you alter the vibe little. If my boss approached me like that, I would not work for him, ask the cops what i could do, and even if you are all subbies there is still a project person who should shut this down on site. My husband actually is the site manager of huge construction projects, and ensures that no woman is badly treated and if anyone is caught crossing the line they are removed and not allowed back. I am sure there are good people in the industry. Work with them