Baby daddy (my now ex) wants our 4yo daughter to stay overnights at his house; she won’t without me and I don’t want to force her (plus I don’t think she’s ready).
Back story: he was incarcerated when our daughter was born and was released when she was 8 months old. He lasted 3 months before getting locked up again Sep 2018 only to be released again May 2021.
I’ve given him the freedom of having whenever he likes as we don’t have court orders etc, and due to staying in hotels due to covid and not having a place of his own, our daughter was lucky if she saw him 2 maybe 3 times a months for a few hours each time (if that).
Now he has secure place of his own with a room set up for her, he wants her to stay overnight. She flat out refuses to stay overnight unless I’m there. I don’t want to stay because he and I don’t get along but I don’t want to force her either. I kind of feel like it’s going to get to a point where he has a right to have her overnight which is fine, but should I be forcing her if she doesn’t want to? Especially at this age? Should I be waiting until she’s a little older and I’m confident that she can make that decision herself? I’m so lost and don’t know how to approach this. There’s no court orders either.
I personally feel that now he has a place of his own, that he should be seeing her more regularly so they can build a bond and then
Please help a mumma out.
12 Replies
Try and explain to him what's going on and if you can slowly work up to overnight? Start with her going for the day, then building up to staying for dinner, then when she's comfortable over nights. Start mediation as well but try slowly adjusting while you're waiting for that.
I agree with this comment, each visit he has make it that little bit longer. Does she have day time naps while with him?Yes he has been inconsistent but he continues to see his child on a regular basis, which is a lot more then what most criminals would do!
He is making an effort. Don’t punish him for it.
I do also agree with others saying some kind of court ordered plan should be in place too.
Girl.... Right off the bat you NEED to get some orders in place. This man has been inconsistent and has a criminal history, your daughter needs some kind of legal agreement in place for her protection.
Second of all, you're right. He needs to develop an actual relationship with her before he should be having her overnight. Being a father takes a little more than donating some biological material and creating a sleeping space for a kid.
So no, I would t force her to go and I would be insisting upon some kind of consistent effort on his part before even considering it.
No that’s not ok. Personally, knowing the pain that sharing with someone like this is, I wouldn’t even start it and would make him go to court and go through paying for supervised visits and building it up to where she feels safe and he’s proven himself stable. It’s not just spiteful, it’s what’s good for her. We give them too much too easily (and they sure do demand it) but it’s the kids that pay with the anxiety and issues and fallout when the next thing happens.
I’d organise mediation. But no, to sleep overs for now. He hardly knows his kid and she hardly knows him. He needs to give it time and build the relationship slowly. Mediation can help you explain that to him and formulate a plan as to how that happens (if it ever makes it to that point).
He has been in jail and she doesn’t want to go. Do not make her go. I wouldn’t leave my child with an ex who’s been in jail. No way! You say no sleep overs. Can you even trust him with her? Is he even capable.? Is he on drugs or anything.? Your daughter knows and picks up vibes and if she isn’t comfortable listen to her and don’t make her. If he wants her over night then he will need to go to court and get an order but at this point he can also keep her so be very careful leaving her.
I would not even consider allowing my child to stay with her criminal dad. Yes people can change but he barely knows her. Poor little girl do not make her stay there. What if something was to happen and only you know his criminal past. Has he changed? is he genuine? Is he a good dad.?
You are considering leaving your daughter with her dad that she barely knows and he has been in prison most of her life. Are you serious?
You know that he can go to court and get 50% custody anyway that OP will have no control over? She's better off trying to meet him halfway and gradually building up to overnight so its still in her control.
So let him. That will prove he is genuine and really wants to be in her life.if he does he will do what it takes. Also depends what he was in jail for.
Listen to your daughter here and do not dismiss her. She knows what she wants and what is right for her. no no no do not let this happen.
I work in Foster Care and for young children that are being restored back into the parents care we ease them into it.
For instance it started with supervised visits (you could supervise) this lasted 2-3 months until the bond had built up and then it went to unsupervised 2 hourly visits 2-3 days a week and then went to 5 hourly visits 2-3 days a week. The bond had built up so it changed to over night visits, the parent picks up in the morning and drops off in the afternoon the following day and gradually every month more overnight stays were added until baby/young child and parent are comfortable.
Just some suggestions from a person with experience witnessing children build that bond with a parent that they have had limited experience with.
I wish you luck and hope that you are able to find some help from the suggestions given :)