Recently I have expressed to my husband I think we would be better parenting our children separately. Aka; separation
We have started seeing a counselor through my works EAP program and so far I think it's beneficial.
Our sons are 5 and 2.5.
I would like to co-parent and for the time being under the same roof... kind of.
Does anyone have any successful tips for managing something like this?
We have a small house. We travel 40-60 mins each way to work.
Also, my husband is completely shocked by this turn of events so I am slowly supporting him through it. He is having trouble accepting this so I want to make it as easy a transition as possible.
Trial separation to start and see where it goes....
Insights and words of wisdom would be very helpful.
6 Replies
It just won’t be the same until you’re in separate homes, with a proper schedule, and you’re worrying about getting yourself through it. He can find his own people to get him through it.
We did this. We separated last year and all it did was draw the process out like crazy. We slept separately and did our own things but still wound up having sex, sharing money etc. I was the same, he was broken about the separation and I was trying to help him through it and all it did was blur the lines.
It wasn't until he moved out that we truly felt separated and still went back and forth for a few months
Very messy, very confusing for our kids. We are actually now properly separated and getting on with our own lives and navigating coparenting. Hes still going through the motions because he refuses to work on himself and I just have to stay out of it for my own mental health, sanity and happiness.
It didn't work for me and my ex. I called it off and he begged to stay at the house until he could find something. It was a very hard time for all of us and in the end i just wanted him out as nasty as that sounds. I wanted to move on with my life.
It won’t change anything unless you live separately. If you had a granny flat, that might work. You can’t be his emotional support person through this. It’s confusing and makes things harder. You can do things to make it easier though.
You would be better off getting a cheap rental unit and ‘bird nesting’ as a trial. Basically where one of you stays in the unit while the kids live at the house. The parent swaps from unit to house when it’s there time with the kids.
I have never seen "Separated under one roof" work. And I've seen many attempts at it.
My partner and his ex did this at her request, and it was great, until he cut her off from his bank account, stopped doing what she told him to & started seeing me. Then oh holy jesus did things blow up in a big way.
If you want to separate, rip the bandaid off. Tell him it's time to go & give him an end date. By trying to "gentle" him through it, you're just giving him false hope.
Neither of you can grieve, move on or be independant while under the same roof. Basically you're just in exactly the same situation but sleeping in different bedrooms.
Also, it's not any better for the kids. Because when the inevitable blow up happens, it's all new to them - they haven't prepared for it, because daddy still lives in the same house so for them, nothing has changed.
I think it's a little unfair on him tbh.
He didn't see it coming and you want to still stay under the same roof. I imagine it would be extremely confusing for him.
But also, it won't change anything for the kids. The only change will come if you start seeing others - while still living in the same house, or living separately.