Im at my wits end with my 16 year old.
He works full time carries on that he has to pay $50 board.
I've been that parent that drives him everywhere and now I'm suffering the consequences. He rude and disrespectful when he can't get his way.
Refuses to help around the house and his room is a dump.
Comes and goes as he pleases even when I say no not until his jobs are done.
My husband has told me he wants him out he can't handle it anymore.
I dont know what to do I can't kick him out the guilt would kill me.
Teen Problems
Teen Problems
Posted in:
Teenagers, Tips and Advice
18 Replies
Let me guess, you posted before and are hoping for different advice that now.
I refuse to give you any advice. Put all the details in one post so we know the entire picture, stop cherry picking what you want us to know.
Rude cow!
Let me guess.. you are one of these nosey busy bodies that has nothing better to do than troll this posts and count how many times someone has posted. Guess what! It doesn’t matter, she is desperate for help and that’s what we are here for. How dare you dictate to her. If you can’t answer the question and offer some support then get off the post. She can post everyday if she feels the need to.
Pretty sure she wouldn’t want advice from someone like you anyway 🙄
Agreed, she’s come back with a new story to get the validation she needs.
What’s the point of getting advice if it’s going to be biased?
I feel sorry for this kid.
Step dad also sounds like a jerk.
Stick with your husband on this and kick him out. Let him go live elsewhere until he gets some respect and learns the hard way.
He’s still a child how can you advise a parent to just give up and kick her own kid out. Why not keep pushing, keep trying ,try different ways. At 16 it’s a tough trying age and as parents we don’t just give up when it gets tough.
We are in a throw away society and it needs to stop.
kicking out your child because you have raised them to not respect you or contribute to household chores is repulsive. Then all of a sudden you demand change and expect him to get it. Nope. Overtime the OP has created an entitled child and therefore needs to work hard to change his perspective. Put strict rules and guidelines in place, one bit at a time. Raising children is hard work and every child is different.
Throwing them out to defend for them self is disgraceful. The child is 16 probably earning $9.62 an hr lol. He will become homeless or living in a condition that is unsafe.
Pick up the peace’s and start again. One step at a time, one change at a time, one new rule at a time. In time he will either respect these or move out on his own accord but until then, kicking them out is not an option.
Is your husband the dad? Just checking cause it gets tricky. Have you had any counseling? Or given him the ultimatum?
Look around your area to find an average rental cost, look at grocery bills and work out his portion, same with utilities and cleaning etc. As part of a family he can put in $50 and help around the house because that's what families do or go the independent route but pay his way (which is probably his entire wage or beyond). Life isn't free. Probably time for a reality check. Alternatively get him to draw up a list of all the costs in the household and hopefully he'll see what a bargain he currently has! If all else fails, do nothing for him. Don't make his dinner, don't give him wifi password, don't do washing, cleaning etc.
Kelly here from The Imperfect Mum team - and I can verify these are two different accounts - not from the same poster.
Praying for our teenagers as they grow up in this unusual world!
Hope this helps xKelly
Explain that if he doesn’t want to pay $50 board he can choose to rent elsewhere, understanding what that would cost in comparison should quiet that down. Also explain that the deal is $50 a week + jobs. All 16 year old boys are pigs, just close the door to his room. Also understand yourself that even though he’s working you do have a responsibility to look after him until he is an adult, which is not 16 in my eyes. 18 at minimum, others would say 21. In my mind parents don’t get to give up on their children, be firm with your boundaries but don’t kick him out.
Each to their own, but my 16 year old works full time and doesn’t pay board as such. When he is 18 and still at home he will. However he is saving for a car and does buy his own clothes, shoes and pay for any entertainment. Such as going to the movies ect.
I don’t think the idea of kicking him out solves anything he’s still in a sense a child where would he go?
Teens do have terrible attitudes and are lazy around the home it’s more the norm than a teen who willingly does chores. I too am always on my kids backs about their rooms, once a week they must sort all their clothes take out any rubbish and meals must be eaten at the bench or table. Maybe try approaching the subject a different way instead of my house my rules get out. That just gets everyone’s back up.
Explain no matter where he goes even if he has a roommate sharing a house there are rules to live by, as for board that’s your business but maybe you could say well mate each week with this money I get your work treats/drinks so is there anything you’d specifically like this week.
One Mum gets slammed for charging her 16year old while another is being told to charge more or kick him out? I don’t get it
The world is a confusing place especially when you get “advice” from complete strangers on your family lifestyle.
I charge my son 35% of his wage and no more than $100 a week. If people want to judge, not my problem. This works for us and it teaches him to be not only financially responsible but to understand that bills are your first priority before your other spendings.
I also don’t pay my son to do chores 💁🏼♀️ Can’t win haha
We just all need to remember everyone is raising their kids differently and what works for one family, is not going to work for another.
Teenagers are rude. It’s normal. Consistently and firmly remind him of your expectations of his behaviour. Continue to love him because that’s what he actually needs.
Assuming your husband isn’t his father and the fact he wants to kick him out screams issues in the home… I think you both need to sit and discuss things both together and then with your son and communicate with him. The behaviour you have allowed and the boundaries you did or didn’t set prior to him starting working are what you are seeing now. My son is 16 and working full time. He doesn’t pay board or for any of his needs, he is respectful (with a dash to of attitude on occasion when it seems he is tired…) he is saving towards a few goals he has set. He has purchased his first car amongst other things. He helps out with the daily chores and will wash his own clothes. It all comes down to what you have allowed, set firm boundaries and be his support network, I wouldn’t be allowing him to disrespect me but I don’t think kicking him out is the way to go here.
Thank you for reaching out to this community. I hope you are able to sift through the judgement and focus on what you need guidance with.
As a mum of a teenager, I completely emphasise with your current dilemma. Raising children is hard work. Raising teenagers is a completely different ballgame. I raise awareness to my friends who have bouncy toddlers that this part is enjoyable in comparison to teenagers. I also have a bouncy toddler 😂
From the brief overview of what you have described in regards to your 16 year old son. I feel allot needs to change. You know this. Rules need to be updated. Everybody in the household needs to be accountable. Consequences need to be raised. This change will take time but it’s doable with patience, love and appreciation.
Please, don’t threaten your child with throwing him out. This will not teach him anything. It will ruin any potential relationship in the future and will force him to be in a position where he is not safe and or capable affording to live outside of home. He could end up being homeless and teenagers are stubborn so may not reach out to you both for help. The current market for rentals is not feasible on a pity income of a 16 year old, let alone to afford the other expected bills. It’s just not going to happen. Unrealistic. People on double incomes are finding it hard. And it’s only going to get harder with what is happening here in Australia and all around the world.
Mum. You need to stop making your sons problems yours; stop driving him everywhere. Stop washing his clothes, stop doing his chores, stop cleaning up for him and so on.
Sure, these new changes will make him angry and resent you. Cool 💁🏼♀️ you’re not his friend, you are his parent. We aren’t meant to feel much love from these teenagers they’re moody, irrational, pushing boundaries, making us go bald and have huge bags under our eyes. We are here to love them unconditionally, teach them the ropes of life which includes; accountability for themselves and those around them. To participate and contribute with household chores. Be self-sufficient and being accountable for their actions/choices. Respect to those in the household, including both his parents (you) and despite the difference learn to accept and move on.
From my experience, despite instilling these expectations from my son early on. I still have my eye rolling moments and silent sighs.
1. You need to pick you battles, no more than 10% if I’m honest. Not worth picking at every little thing. Exhausting and gets no where. Kids are stubborn. And we as adults can be too.
2. Don’t take their anger, frustration and bullshit on board, not your problem.
3. Gentle reminders are encouraged but avoid nagging. Say what you need done clearly but not long winded but what you expect him to do.
4. Avoid demeaning words that don’t encourage them.
5. Praise your son and say thank you. With love and warmth. Avoid hugging or touching them haha
6. Don’t engage when he is angry or frustrated. Say calmly you are here if he needs to talk but not whilst he is speaking to you this way.
7. Focus on one change at a time. These are new expectations and it won’t magically happen over night. It will take time, patience and resilience on your end. Plus change for anyone can be quite overwhelming when not prepared.
8. I would also increase his board each week. If he objects, pass him the overall expenses divide it up to whom lives there and the % would be much worse. Then I hope he realise (maybe over time) that he has a pretty sweet deal.
Please don’t forget about your own self care. Build yourself up mumma. Both you and his father are his leaders and protector. Under the household roof, your rules and expectations are the only things that won’t budge. If you have multiple children, make sure they are on all board not just the one who is pushing boundaries. Then it doesn’t create a divide and Mr 16 doesn’t feel isolated and picked on. It’s a all in all family expectation whilst living in this home.
So I will share my expectations of my 17 year old, soon to be 18. He works part time and studies full time. It has been a long battle raising him as a solo mum for majority of his life (no regrets 😉). I have always made him accountable for his daily chores including his personal responsibilities outside of the home. Sure he pushes my buttons and say “I’ll do it later”, nope now and leave it and he usually gets on with it but that is few and far between. He works his chores around his work and study timetable but it gets done, and that’s all that matters to me 🙌🏼
His board is 35% of his income each fortnight and no more than $100 flat each week. He does between 5-7 shifts a fortnight in his job. Let me just say it doesn’t cover ALL his expenses within the household but for me it’s about setting him up for his future, making him accountable and instilling in him that bills come before his lifestyle expenses. These expenses will change if he is still at home 20+ years beyond and TAFE/unit is completed and in a full time working position. And so it should.
Board Contributes % towards:
^ roof over his head
^ food on the table & abundance of food in the cupboard and fridge (he eats allot).
^ electricity, gas and water
^ movie subscriptions (Netflix, Stan, Disney plus, binge etc)
^ internet
His financial responsibilities include:
^ Phone plan
^ lifestyle expenses or if he wants to spend $300 on kicks.
^ Anything that he wants (need comes out of my pocket).
^ Paying off his Xbox
^ His savings account
I am still financially responsible for;
^ Health insurance
^ Clothes, shoes, underwear etc
^ Paying his TAFE
^ Personal hygiene including getting his hair cut.
^ Anything that he NEEDS
^ Transportation costs
^ Since he was born I have been putting a % in a seperate account for him to set him up when he’s ready to move out of the family nest 🤞🏼
Chores:
His chores vary over daily, weekly, fortnightly and monthly. I DO NOT PAY HIM TO DO CHORES. These are a expectation of him to be responsible for himself and those around him. I am a solo mum with two boys, I work & study full time, raise a family and do housework daily. It helps me out tremendously that he contributes to the household but I do not feel guilty instilling this in him. As it will teach him skills when he is in a position to have his own place and take care of it. Below is his required chores. This has been put in place since he could walk (putting toys away, put plate in sink etc as a 2 year old) then adding more chores age appropriate as he got older).
Daily:
^ Put rubbish in outside bins
^ Clean Kitty litter & Dog poop
^ Feed the animals & fresh water daily
^ Make his bed
^ Whoever doesn’t make dinner sets the table, cleans the dishes & puts them away.
^ Takes the dog for a walk (I do the morning walk).
Weekly:
^ Put bins out on st, then bring them in when emptied
^ Wash all his clothes, bedding etc, dry and fold/hang up.
^ Iron clothes
^ Polish boots
^ Tidy his room, vacuum and dust.
^ Cook a shared meal once a week
Fortnightly:
^ Deep clean bathroom inc mop. Tidy up kitchen & lounge room/hallway & mop all areas. (I tidy all these areas on a daily and mop the second week).
^ Bakes a dessert, cake or biscuits
Monthly/bi-monthly:
^ Second month clean entire fridge/freezer (this is done monthly). Including deep chest freezer.
^ Deep clean outside bins monthly.
^ Basic car maintenance; Checks the oil, water and does the tires.
^ Go over and Update his budget & work/study schedule
^ Goes grocery shopping with me (this keeps him aware of the expenses, he’s quite frugal lol). Removes the groceries from the car and puts them all away. We go to a variety of places. He is very patient but understands the reasoning behind this method.
Other things when they come up:
^ Change the light bulbs
^ Builds flat packs
^ anything else that I feel would build his skills up
Just remember. Some chores for them are not worth fighting for. My son will do majority bar the gardening and you know what 🤷🏼♀️ I’m fine with that. He excels with everything else. I don’t blame him, gardening sucks. I just do it. I do majority what he does plus those I don’t expect him to do.
All the best mum & dad.
This new journey will be tremendously hard but not impossible. Starting a new routine, rules and expectations take time. They say it can take 18-254 days for a person to form a new habit.
Best wishes and hope what I’ve written above gives you a few ideas. FYI: I’m no perfect parent, I fail and regret, raising my boys has been difficult because we all have different personalities but that’s the way of life. I am doing all I can. So are you.
Thank you for reaching out.
Check out this website. Quite insightful.
^ https://parentingmontana.org/chores-17/