So my older parents (both early 70's) have been pressuring my husband and myself to move in with us. They keep saying things like we wont be around forever and we want to spend our final years getting to know our grandchildren. Now I had my first child at 18 and they kicked me out when I was pregnant. My husband and I got married in the garden prior to our baby coming and they refused to come to our 'shotgun' wedding. Fast forward 19 years and 6 kids later and suddenly they want to spend time with us! I dont get it. When we had our last baby 2 years ago I sent them a message with a picture saying meet your new granddaughter and got back ok from my mum and oh another one from my dad. We've just moved into our new home that we spent months planning to ensure a our children have comfortable separate room's in the house with only the two youngest sharing. My mother wants me to put the middle 2 in a room together so they can take the other bedroom. My husband offered to put in a mobile/ relocateable home but my mother took offense to that. My father wants my husband and I to move our cars out of the garage to put his cars in there. How do I gently say that if they move in they'll have to be in a different house? My sister has cut them off when she was 16 and moved out so it's only me left to deal with them. Am I depriving my children by not allowing my folks to move in?
25 Replies
Nope!!! Don't do this or I can guarantee that your relationship with your partner and kids will suffer. Early 70s means nothing - life expectancy is much longer now. How would you last next 20-25 years???
No Way!
My parents are 70 and there is no way, they need to live with me, and we have a healthy relationship. Because we have a healthy relationship it would never occur to them to impose on me by pushing to move in!
There is some underlying motive going on with your parents that sounds like them trying to control you, rather than bond with you.
Your kids will have better relationships with the grandparents if they don’t live with you. If they move in, they’ll start trying to control every thing in the house and what the kids do. It won’t go well and then you will have to kick them out.
Letting them move in would be a disaster! Won’t work, and your parents are not people I’d want around my kids on a daily basis.
You don’t gently say anything, you say NO, fullstop, end of story. Boundary stompers and bullies don’t take gentle talking to, otherwise they would have been at your wedding.
Again they are only 70, they could live well into there 90s without needing nursing care, are you really ok with living with these bullies for the next 20-30 years.
Just say no. It’s your house your set up no you’re not giving it up. Then if it comes to them needing you and admitting it, it can be a mobile on your terms and they’ll know their place from the get go.
No. You're not that close, it won't work. They shouldn't have abandoned their kids when they were teens if they wanted someone to support them in their later years.
Just cut them out. You owe them nothing. Clearly they are toxic and didn’t care about you.
They dig their grave, let them lay in it. Don’t ruin your family for the sake if the humans who gave you life but abandoned you as a child.
My mother kicked me out when I was 16. She kicked my brother out when he was 15.
If and when the time comes, she can go into a nursing home and she'd better start saving up because I'm sure as shit not paying for it. My brother feels the same.
That might sound cold but you reap what you sow.
Your parents don't sound like nice people, they're essetially demanding you take them in at the expense of the space you've worked hard for, they've been disinterested grandparents and they "took offense" to an extremely generous and accommodating offer of a granny flat...
Girl screw gently, tell them straight!
No you won't be coming in and taking a room from our children, no we won't be emptying the garage for your cars. The mobile home offer is still on the table but if you don't like these terms - take it or leave it!
Personally I wouldn't want them on my property at all but if you're ok with the relocatable idea don't let them push further than that.
Be polite but firm. It sounds like you want them in your life just not in your home. Tell them you love them and you love that they finally (I would definitely include that word) want to spend quality time with their grandchildren and if they want to move closer then that would be wonderful but moving in with your family is not an option.
I would not even make the mobile home an option again. If they argue you need to say that they always expected you to live with the choices you made and support yourself and you have. If they want to make changes to their lives which means spending more time with you then they need to find their own way to do that. When they say they won’t be around forever, how they live those final years is up to them but it can’t be in your house. If you need to be blunt then simply say that the life you and your husband have built since you were 18 is to support your children and you are not disrupting that. If spending time with the children is what they want then moving close will work but moving in is not an option.
I suspect they are just looking for personal comfort, a maid and carer in their older years. You're the logical, kind, and soft target. It took me years to figure out people asked me to do things because I was the soft & guilt feeling/afraid to say no option, not because they cared about me.
Their demands for the garage, bedroom etc. even when asking to move in show they don't care about your family, needs or lifestyle & think you should comply with their rules & they'll run the house. This will only get worse once they're in your house & you'll be running around trying to keep them happy. Your marriage, kids and mental health will suffer.
Please don't let guilt, obligation & hope they've changed suck you in. Don't even allow a mobile home on your property. They've not shown you the same support & you're under zero obligation to help them. Zero. Put yourself & your family first.
Nooooo freakin way! I love my mum but there’s no way in hell I’d let her move into my house. It will cause tension, arguments, resentment. You won’t feel yourself with them there. You’ll constantly feel like you have to do things for them. You like your own space, if your parents move in you won’t have that anymore. Don’t let them guilt you into doing it. Lay the law down straight away and don’t let them even think there’s a chance.
Don’t do it- but I think you already know that. We moved in my FIL when he was made redundant, he was still fairly young. 3 years later we forked out the money to build a granny flat because it was very obvious that he was comfortable and not going anywhere. There was a lot of pressure on our marriage during that time.
I would gently but firmly be saying that you can’t accommodate them and that they would need their own separate living space, whether they rent or buy nearby or they have the capacity ( and you have the land) to build a granny flat. It is still a lot of pressure being on the same property though and they do sound quite demanding unfortunately
Hell NO
You had to make it on your own so can they. To see the gkids they don't need to be in the same house. I sensing a free ride sponging off you is the motive.
Oh my goodness. They do not have the right to ask for ANY of this, at all & especially after the way they have treated you. Answer NO firmly & tell them that it’s not an option for you, now or in the future so they can make their own arrangements. Do not leave any of it up to interpretation. Do not feel guilty about any of it, they are the ones with the guilt. You are enough & you’re doing an amazing job.
Firstly do not feel guilty about saying no, you have built a life for you and your children. And with no support from these people. I wouldn't displace your own kids from rooms they probably love for people who will probably only cause issues in the future. I am currently in a very hard place where my MIL (who i really like) has moved in but with no framework, she doesn't contribute to the family in any way what so ever, however my costs have gone up, it's been like getting a teen move in. I hate it! however we can't change it as she now has no where else to live. She doesn't add value to the kids as they have grown up with visits but not with her around actively in any way so they find it annoying. My personal view is if they have had so little to do with you and your kids the only answer is no, they need to be self sufficient and make a choice to be apart of your family (if you want them) Good luck. Family doesn't equal rights to our time, home or anything else.
Do they have a home of their own ? If it’s a money issue and you have the space maybe a granny flat or they could just move nearby.
They are only 70 so unless they have some major health issues issues they will be around for another 20+ years.
My parents live a few streets away from us and pick my three up everyday from school and help with after school activities and love to come watch the kids do sport on the weekends and we even go on holidays together sometimes.
I feel like it must be a money issue otherwise they could do what my parents do they don’t want to pay rent etc so want to live with you to save, which they should have been doing their whole working lives and not mooch of their child.
Not a fucking chance in any of the 7 levels of hell.
Not in the house, not on the property.
They can put some effort into getting to know the grand kids without being all up in your shit.
If this is what they're like now just IMAGINE what it would be like with them 24/7.
Hell no! Do you want them criticising everything you do for the next 30 years? They didn't even look after you for that long. It is time for you and your husband to live your best life surrounded by people who love you, not those who kicked you out of home and ridiculed your choices.
It will cause a riff between you and your husband down the track, don’t do it. They are grown ass adults and shouldn’t burden their kids.
Really?! They kicked you out while pregnant As a teenager! Didn't attend your wedding! Have had no interest in your children, even going as far as to say 'Oh another one'!
You and your Husband are better people than me. I would probably be okay with a Granny flat for my parents or MIL but they have supported myself, hubby and children and have all been a huge part of our lives.
If my parents had done any of what yours have done, would not even entertain the idea of them being apart of my children's lives, let alone living on our property or in our house
Gosh no way.. if they are demanding now imagine what they would be like if they moved in.
If you value your relationship with your husband I wouldn’t. It would put a massive strain on it. I feel for you. They could be around for another 20 years.. not fair on your family.
Wow. So many red flags. They will destroy your family when they move in. They sound incredibly toxic. Aside from your past with them - they want to inconvenience your middle two by making them share; they want to inconvenience your husband by taking over the garage; they snub their nose at the compromise of a relocated home - probably because they realise the hills will be seperate and they would have to pay. A elapsed doesn’t change their spots. They want to move in and mooch off you. You’ve built a home for your family and you finally get to move in. Don’t let them destroy that dream by forcing themselves upon you. Also , their clearly toxic attitude will then be inflicted on your children. Your poor 2 yo will know nothing else but what it’s like to grow up in a toxic household if you let them in. That’s not fair on your children. I would t even let them stay a night or two - they’d probably never leave. I’d cut them off too. They kicked you out of home when you needed them the most, your sister cut them off - you should do it too! Your kids are missing out on nothing! They have a wonderful big family and a new home! That sounds like heaven to me. Don’t turn it into a living hell by letting your parents back in. They really don’t deserve you. X
I don't know them but they sound selfish and frankly not very nice🤷♀️ go with your gut and put your children and marriage first!
Tell them to move closer and be around more but your inn is full lol
No. Do not do it. You do not owe them. They didn't support you, you have no obligation to support them.
If they are already being demanding and they haven't moved in yet, it is guaranteed to only get worse. You know the right thing is to say no but you feel guilty. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Put your kids first. Say no.
Nope, I wouldn’t even allow them to live on the property. You don’t need to be guilted about this. Just a hard no.
This is quite toxic. Take it back a notch to let’s see in 5 years. 🚩 telling you which room they want 🚩 wanting own cars in your designated spot 🚩 talking as if the house is theres.
And also the behaviour in the past. They have each other and need to make thier own plans until one passes, then it would seem appropriate to consider them moving in if you want.
I know it’s not ideal as it’s better with family but you haven’t been family with them for years. Unfortunately it sounds like they are putting themselves first, consider your children and how it will affect them negatively, less space, them telling your kids what to do with thier own ideals (what they did to you) it’s really just going to trigger your stuff.
Don't say yes and don't move them in. No... firm no