When my partner was younger and before he had kids, he was part of the Melbourne drug scene. He would sell and recreationally use Ice. After he had kids to his ex partner, he gave it all up and started a fresh life for the kids. When I met him, I always thought he was really highly strung but never thought anything of it. I didn't know that extent of his past. I just thought he was nervous, I'm pretty clueless to that stuff. Fast forward a year, I was putting his washing away and I found an ice pipe in his drawers. I confronted him about it and he denied using. Said it was old from years ago and he threw it out. I believed him. A few months on, I seen him hide something in his pants. I asked him what it was and I know I seen an ice pipe. He flat out denied there was anything there, that it was all in my head, etc... I threatened to leave and demanded the truth. I told him if he had nothing to hide, he would do a drug test for me. He came forward and told me that yes, he had been using but he was done. I can't move forward. Since this happened, I can't trust him. I'm always looking for anything related to Ice, observing his moods, questioning him when he has lots of energy or why he's angry for no reason. Sometimes I resent him and make sly remarks about what he has done and lied about. I don't like bringing it up or reminding him but I am just so hurt. I want to move forward but I can't. I just need some real advice from someone that has been in this position. I can't tell anyone because I dont want anyone to look down on him.
Partner lying about drug use. How do I move forward
Partner lying about drug use. How do I move forward
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage
14 Replies
No you can’t trust him. Highly doubt he stopped for having kids. He’s an addict probably his whole life. But even if he did stop for a little while, the important part is he’s on it now. He’s absolutely bullshitting you. No, don’t trust him, he's relying on that.
Get rid of him girl! Now ! I spent 14 yrs with a lying dirty junkie ice addict .
I lived thru his debt, theft , lies, mood disorders, run throughs from other junkies and bikies wanting money , violence you name it. And all I got was more denial, more lies, more deciet.
And then the old 'I've stopped I'm not doing it any more' when he still was. Only solution was to leave him and completely cut him off. Best thing I ever did. Get out now. Be very careful. Take it from me, love just won't be enough. He will destroy you with this drug. I still suffer from mental health issues to this day caused by him.
You're newly together. U have it easy to leave. Don't leave it 14 yrs like I did. I'm trying to save you here. He can't be fixed or helped. Just please leave and don't look back. I can't stress this enough.
He won’t give it up he is an addict and he will continue to lie. I know some people can give it up but only a rare few that I know actually have. The rest continue to do what your partner does. Cut free from him now and let him life that ugly life. Be strong and leave it behind and start a new life that you deserve. Addicts are professional liars! They won’t stop lying and it’s all part of the addiction sadly. Do not trust him but I think you already know that, you never will.
What do you class as moving forward?
Forgetting every thing you've seen, learned, endured and playing happy families?
Or accepting your gut reactions are right and sending him on his little junkie way before he derails your life too. He's not been truthful about any part of this. How many lies will you take and how much will you move your line in the sand for someone that doesn't even show you the basic respect of honesty.
Ice is highly addictive. And addictions are so very hard to beat. I doubt he ever gave it up, just went longer between stints. He probably justifies it to himself that he only smokes it when he 'stressed' and he is most likely lying to himself about it.
It's definitely an issue now and you have to make a decision if you want to live forever checking his drawers and hidey holes.
5 years with an ice addict here - we’ve since separated. He was ‘clean’ for 18mths before I made the final call to end it. I couldn’t do it. The lies, the gaslighting, the betrayal of trust. He called an intervention on me after our son was born saying I had postnatal depression to ALL our friends and family to DEFLECT from his drug use. They took OUR son off ‘us’ to give ‘me’ a break and I was so tried and so exhausted and so confused and so hurt that I couldn’t even stop them. All the while he just wanted to ‘comedown’ without a baby in the house while I cried so hard I vomited. This was the beginning, it got worse from there the end being - he assaulted my teen child, child safety got involved. I’d already kicked him out after the assault but I could have lost everything trying to love a man in the grips of addiction. I’ll never forgive him. I’ll never trust him. If you’re writing in here then I’m going to guess you have kids. So my advice having lived within the world and coming out the other side of it (I have PTSD because of this relationship) is RUN, do NOT walk and don’t look back!
Edited to add when I said ‘clean’ he wasn’t clean. Just got better at hiding it. His piss test from child safety proved he was a lying sack of shit.
I'm the 2nd commenter on this thread. Your story really resonates with me. It brings back every emotion I felt when I suffered thru the actions of an addict too for 14 years . Hope you are stronger today honey. It's been 3 years for me. I'm getting there. But things are still raw. He's 100% clean the last 3 years thru rehab , councilling and medication. I left anyway. Too little too late.
Why would you put up with his shit? If you had a child would you want your kid to have a partner like that? No? Then why except it for yourself? Have some self respect and realize you deserve better. Don't hang around thinking you can help fix him or get him clean either. That's his responsibility and job to do for himself.
I'm 5years clean, I did it alone but I did it for my kids and myself. I've relapsed once since but never ever again... What I'm getting at is he needs to want to quit, he can't be forced. He needs to hit rock bottom.. Like lower than low. Are you prepared to help support him thru it? Put up with possible relapse after relapse? Does he even want to stop? Ice is a hell of a drug! And it makes U go to literal hell and back! Couldn't support someone going thru it myself, after getting myself off it. It takes everything away from U! Cut him off (easier said than done) Leave. No way U want to put up with that but ultimately it is your decision, only U know if U can stay with him. Sometimes love isn't enough. Good luck hon 💜
He’s addicted no questions about it. I thought I could help my ex when we were together with the same thing. In the end I was emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted trying help him, raise our 3 children and run a ‘smooth’ household. It wasn’t good for my children or I so I packed everything up and moved out. 5 years on and he still hasn’t changed.
They will only accept your help if they actually want help.
Sorry but someone one Ice will tell you anything you want to hear to make you stay. The only thing that will change is they will get sneakier and hide it better. They will never love you as much as they love their drugs, they just become really good at pretending and Im sorry but no matter how much you love this person they will not give up Ice for you. Whether it takes you a week, a month, a year or more to realize one day you will realize it, alot of people that have answered you have already gone through this and know its true
If this wasn’t me writing this 5-6yrs ago.
Everything you said was everything I lived, my life was a living hell but I believed I wasn’t financially stable enough to do it on my own.
The lies, the days of no sleep, the hallucinations the paranoia (due to no sleep). His increased sex drive and the guilt trips tantrums he’d give if I just wasn’t interested like full on throwing shit & then leaving the house.
The having to constantly walk on egg shells coz I wasn’t sure what person he was going to be. The click of the finger mood swings.
The phone calls to pick him up during the day coz he quit a job and made out it was the employers fault. One of these days I get to the location (I had to use find my iPhone as he couldn’t tell me where exactly he was) and all the doors of the work truck were open shit everywhere on the ground like it had been broken into and him marching through the paddock 🤦🏽♀️
The phone calls not knowing if he’s was going to be happy sad angry. The accusations of me cheating on him.
The lies I would tell family and friends. Everything I kept from our kids thinking I was protecting them, to years on realising I wasn’t protecting them I was protecting him from them. I didn’t want my kids thoughts of their dad to change.
This isn’t even half the shit I went through.
But it’s been 4yrs (I think, the time line is abit hazy as I don’t like to remember that time of my life) since he’s used Ice. Does he crave it, everyday. Do I believe him when he says he’s not used, I think I’ll always have that thought in the back of my head questioning. Do I trust him, as stupid as it sounds he’s probably the only one I know has my back always. Do I trust his word, that came with time.
Have I had to seek professional help, hell yes I did. Those years and the constant triggers fucked me up mentally.
Do I love him I never stopped (20+ yrs together) and always will and it was the love I had for him which had me fight for him for us. He thanks me every day for fighting for him.
I’m a lot stronger, emotionally financially and mentally now and I know my worth. The person I am now is not the person I once was and vice versa. Just like he’s on a journey not only to make up for all his misdoings but to stay alive. All the years of drug abuse has caught up with him and it’s coming back with a vengeance some might say Karma lol.
No one can judge you or your choices even if they’ve walked in your shoes. Does it get easier yes it does, find a friend a couple of close friends and lean on them for support. You’ll get through this chick with or without him xxx
Please don’t waste the next 10 years of your life like I did trying to get him to change. Every time we make excuses for them or believe their lies, we are enabling them to continue in active addiction. He’s not going to just stop because he can’t. They lie so much that they actually believe what they are saying. He stole from me, his family and his job. He went to rehab several times. It is a vicious cycle for years and years. And then someone told me that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. In the end I kicked him out and made a better life for myself and our kids and guess what? He’s still using, he still has no drive to do anything with his life, he still blames everyone else for his problems and he sees his children maybe 2-3 times a year.
RUN ! It will only get worse. My daughter is FINALLY clear of her addictive past and ex-husband , who was a great guy at first but is now an abusive, lying, paranoid drug pusher. He's a jailbird and breaks promises to his kids all the time. For 10 years she gave him the benefit of the doubt and the kids and her now have PTSD, literally, and have struggled to come through this and regain stability, self-esteem and confidence. Don't make your life harder than it already is. RUN !