Hi lovelies,
my 13 year old son is getting totally out of control. He has recently started high school. He has started talking back a lot and does not take permission to go anywhere. Recently my husband and I had to go to the police station because my son had a fight with one of his class mate and the boy's parents complained.
I have become very upset and I am afraid that my son may not have a bad effect on my two younger daughters as well.
We talked to him in every way. His school principal, teachers and policemen all explained to him but there is no effect on him.
We also took the help of child psychologist but due to non-cooperation of my son, he too is not able to help much.
I am so upset with my son that I wish he had not been born. I am a 39 year old very cheerful, caring and loving mother.
If I am thinking like this for my son then you can imagine how much this boy has troubled me
please advise me what should I do?
I will greatly appreciate all of you for your experiences and advice.
8 Replies
Is there any other behaviours that are concerning you? From your post it seems really tame
She hasn't gone into detail but he has no respect at all and can't be told what to do. So that means a child that does whatever they want, says whatever they want so is probably abusive, and is also violent. Getting in trouble with the police and school when you're 12ish isn't exactly tame.
Well time for some hard core discipline.
The post wasn’t really clear.
Time to engage with some professional help and the child’s school will help point you in the right direction.
Consider keeping him at home and doing online school. If he's that bad at home he's worse at school and that is not doing anyone any good. If he's got in with the wrong crowd then it separates him from that. Take everything away from him that's enabling him to walk out when he wants like phone and money. Keep your front door bolt locked with a key. Get in touch with head space for advice, you probably won't get him there but they can still help.
He needs to get a hobby, job or something but I’m reality he won’t do it with this attitude. Make sure you speak to him and that he isn’t hiding anything from you. He may be keeping some trauma or secrets from you. Something may have happend to him that you are unaware of. Just a thought. He will end up on the drug path like this .it’s really hard to parent a kid like this and bloody heart breaking as a parent to deal with. He isn’t how your raised him. Maybe considering pulling him out of that school. good for you for taking the hardest step as a parent and going to the police. I don’t have much advice but I would probably move if it was me. Some where for a new start and life.
You have to love him, and since he’s already off the rails, that means accepting him. Ignore a lot and find, search deep for, the things you can compliment and connect on. Tone down the ‘permission’ and be on his side. Still don’t accept bad behaviour, no rewards no money spent, no replacements on things broken etc, but don’t go off, just say the rule if you really can’t ignore it, but continue to connect through it.
Somethings up with him. And teens definitely turn to peers over family, so see if you have any friends or family that could teach them as well. Be open to give a little on rules or expectations to reach him and have him change his attitude.
I found that when my kids are this age they really push every boundary, weather you know about it or not. Could the kid who got pushed have been hassling your son and maybe he finally reacted? is the school not a good fit? has he had behaviour issues before now and it's just escalating? Yr 7&8 are brutal, new friends, difference in cultures and how people are raised and feeling like they are missing out. Are you ultra conservative? or dominating with your views? he could be trying to tell you that's not how he wants to live? I think you need to sit down this him in a calm space and ask how you can get to a place if mutual respect. And you let him know the consequences, no phone, no cash, what ever. I am also a big believer in kids should be in some activity out side of school and the home. good for social skills but a fun space if home or school are rough. Don't give up
When I was a teen I completely shut down. I tried running away from home, I was stealing, etc.
My parents sent me to a child psych (because otherwise the fancy school they sent me to was going to expel me. They didn't care about my behaviour, emotions or struggles. Only the humiliation of being called to the principals office, and the threat of having a child being expelled). I think over 3 odd years I had to see him, I spoke maybe a dozen words to him.
In hindsight, I am confident had I been growing up today, I would have an autism diagnosis. I am a lot happier and more functional now that I'm on the correct anti depressants. But I still shut down when my behaviour or actions are challenged.
I would look at a different child psych. One that specialises in teens, behavioural issues, etc. Look at getting a diagnosis for behavioural issues. Look at his diet (there are food atritives that can cause dramas with behaviour, emotional well being, etc.
Wishing your son had never been born, that's a REALLY hard thing to say. Contrary to popular belief, I don't think saying it makes you a bad parent (assuming you're saying it in a safe, confidential environment that won't go back to him!). If you didn't love him, you wouldn't care. You'd just shrug it off.
Counselling for you, to help with coping strategies. You son is struggling, and likely doesn't understand why he behaves the way he does. He needs you to be his biggest advocate. To keep fighting for the help he's resisting, because he doesn't know how to accept it.