Husband and I are have been together since we were 16. Married for 17 years. It has always been a marriage filled with arguments over everything, but nothing important
(No cheating etc)
We have both been contemplating separation for a few years now and recently the marriage has hit a wall and the damage is getting beyond repair. I found his notebook filled with pages and pages of judgements about myself and am left wondering am I an idiot for staying? Judgements include:
She is: angry, immature, selfish, mean, boring, unattractive, lazy, I say I choose him not need him therefore I’m not his soul mate, I am emotionally immature.
He goes on to say he has changed and I won’t like the new him unless I grow up, start taking responsibility, stop blaming others, find a love for life and have the energy to keep up.
Of course parts of what he writes would be correct, but as a whole they paint me to be a terrible person, its things like this he has told me since I was 16 and then he gets pissed off when I tell him I have low self esteem and that I think I am victim (I do think I am a victim, a victim of his verbal judgements).
Anyway - I would love some advice from you all - what would you do if you found all these things in a notebook written about you?
What would you do?
What would you do?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
6 Replies
He has written this so you find it and read it. Move on and don’t waste anymore of your life
I would run
Honestly, I wouldn't want to be with someone who keeps written negative notes about me. Its creepy as well as Mean and I'd feel a little scared about whats going on in their head if thats the stuff they're writing!
He finds you boring and unattractive. End of story. All the others could be true in some degree for most of us but the two things you should never be to your life partner are boring and unattractive.
That's not a reflection of you or who you are, it's just the way the relationship has fizzled out. Stop trying to blow the coals hoping to reignite it. It's done, go build a fire somewhere else.
I journal.
I find it cathartic and it helps me process my emotions. I have at times written about marital issues (although never a complete character assassination like he has done) or things my kids have done that frustrated the hell out of me. So I can understand his need to write out all his feelings to an extent.
However, it does seem like there may be some malicious intent if this notebook was just hanging about waiting to be discovered. I always make sure my writing remains private!
Silver lining though - you are now painfully aware of where you stand and how he feels. That leaves you free to proceed accordingly.
You were so young when you got together, it’s time to seperate before things get really bad for the kids. Go find yourself as an adult, find the real you, get therapy work on loving yourself and watch yourself flourish!
This is not a negative reflection on him or you, you were 16, you’ve now grown into different paths