Not sure where to start but I’m having a hard time because I sweat the small stuff and treat my partner very badly. He’s a really great guy but can be a bit lazy around the house and lately, every thing he does and doesn’t do drives me around the bend. I am miserable and now, so is he. I think he would be better off without me. We’ve been here before and we talk about it but nothing changes. It just gradually builds up in me again and again and I explode like I did again today. My car wouldn’t start so I just started screaming like a banshee. I think I’m really losing it. He wanted to hug me to make it better but I couldn’t. He said I don’t have to go it alone and I told him I was going it alone because he was part of the problem. That’s what happens when I hold things in too long. I’m now expecting him to pack his bags and just walk out. I think I might be partly relieved if he does but I would also be heartbroken. Anyway, I could go on and on but don’t want to burden all of you. I want to try to talk to him but I just can’t do it because I know it’s mostly my fault but his too. I feel like nothing will ever change and we’ll be back in this situation over and over again and neither of us deserve that. OMG I feel like a nutcase. Just a little background info; we’ve been together for almost ten years. He is divorced and I have been widowed twice. We have a few things in common but sometimes, I think we’re from different planets. I think my having lost two wonderful, loving husbands may have something to do with why I am the way I am. I may be trying to distance myself from him because I don’t think I could bear another loss. We are, after all, both 67 years old. I feel a little better just getting all of this off my chest. Thank you for listening.
11 Replies
You need to apologise to him. Tell him you wouldn’t blame him if he packed his bags and left. If he will give you a chance, you know he doesn’t deserve to be treated that way and will seek psych help to help you change what you’re doing.
During that, you can learn how to bring up what he’s doing and not doing and consider the relationship in a healthy way, but at this point no one deserves that no matter what they’re doing and you know yourself you’re not thinking or acting right. Own that and sort that first.
Thank you so much for your response. You were absolutely right. It took a while to sum up the courage to apologize but I did. It will be a while before he comes around because I hurt him much more than I thought I did and I sure got an earful from him. Gives me a lot to think about and I know I’ve got a lot to work on but he is worth it. I really thought I was going to lose him forever and that really scared me so I’ve learned a valuable lesson.
You have been through the wringer haven't you.
It's hard to be vulnerable when you know the pain that comes. But. You survived. More than once. And can again.
The flipside of profound love is profound pain. That's just nature, and it's not something to fear but something to celebrate. The measure of our lives is in how deeply our loss is felt.
Shallow grief only comes from shallow love (if you can call it that). You both deserve better than that.
Above is how I've always viewed it. Amanda Palmer recently sent me an email, a new "ask Amanda" thing she's doing. It's largely about the same thing but written so much more eloquently. See if you can google it, it might just change your mind on how love works when pain enters the fold.
Thank you so much for your response. It made me realize that fear was the driving force here and I certainly need to keep an open mind to that. I have apologized but it will take some time for things to get back to where they were. I made a promise to him that I will never treat him that way again and I plan on keeping that promise no matter what.
I think it is underlying grief. To lose 2 husbands would be soul destroying & heartbreaking. I think you need to apologise to him, explain to him how you do mean it and that you are going to seek some professional help. It may also work better if you live apart or at least have a break. Give yourself time and give him the Respect that he deserves. I want to say though, that it’s great that you are acknowledging your problem and how you are. It takes a lot and you aren’t passing the buck. Well done. Time to work on you but please apologise so you don’t keep hurting this poor man.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and valuable insight. It’s been a rough couple of days but I finally got the courage to sincerely apologize. It may take a while for him to come around but I will grovel for as long as I have to. I do realize now that my attitude has been driven by fear of losing him because I was terrified yesterday that I might have done just that. We are on the mend now and I have promised him that I will never treat him that way again and I really mean that. I have a number of self help books that I will read to help me along the way. I have to change otherwise, I lose everything.
Are you being treated for menopsuse symptoms? Could it be possible you have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder triggered by your losses? Time to seek a professional to find out why . Or you'll be a lonely old lady someday .
Thank you for your response. I believe you are right in that there is some kind of disorder. Not to be using excuses, but part of it could be that I never properly grieved when my second husband died within six years of my first. I think my psyche just couldn’t deal with it so it didn’t. Now, I’m paying for that. Menopause could be a part of it too; the constant hot flashes sure don’t help but I’m taking natural medication for that. Sometimes, I think I deserve to be a lonely old lady but I am definitely going to work on not being one. I have sincerely apologized and it may take some time to get back to normal but I also promised that I would never treat him that way again and I mean it. I have to keep that promise or I will definitely lose him and I couldn’t handle that.
I could of written this myself about my partner!!
Talking doesn't help at all or it changes for a week and that's it.
I get that he goes to work to earn the money but he still needs to help around the house, I am not the only one to make a mess. He is like having another kid!! He leaves his rubbish every where, he leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, won't help with washing and just very lazy.
It got to the point I tried to end my own life by overdosing. He still didn't care and went off to work like nothing was wrong, left me to fight my own battles and demons alone............ I would love for him to pack his stuff and walk out the door
My 1st thought is because you have been widowed twice that your sun conscious is really fearful of being hurt again? To prevent this it would be easier to put walls up and try and hate the guy not love the guy because if you loved him you can get hurt? If you don’t love him you can’t get hurt?
I will be very honest here, as you sound so much like my 28 yr daughter. She is extremely difficult to live with at times. Something doesn't go right or her way, then everybody around her suffers, she lashes out.
Unfortunately loss of a partner is something we can't control. But would you rather not live life to the fullest (throwing fears of maybe another loss ) or would you rather live life on eggshells about something that may NEVER happen and both be miserable???
Let go of your past, start your future . If you don't you may lose him because subconsciously it's what you think will happen.
Live life for today not yesterday or what was, that is wrong to look at life like that.
Sounds like you have a good man there. Pushing him away makes it so much worse. When this happens to people they are inclined to not make you happy how you want, helping where possible. The more you focus on him, you as a couple the more he will want to please you.
You shouldve got that hug when it was offered. You have no idea the power of a hug.
Run through different scenarios in your head of what has happened, such as what if I took that hug ? What do you think the outcome would be ?
If someone offers you that hug, he offers you that, by all means take it.
Don't live in your past of what ifs, live in the future of what can be. YOU can control that 😀😀😀