After 2 years together I’ve just found out my bf has been on dating apps looking to hook up.
I’ve always said that I’ll never tolerate cheating.
But.
Quite early in our relationship I drunkenly had phone sex. He found out the next day and was so angry. I knew it hurt him. He would still bring it up from time to time.
Now he’s been caught out. He claims that it was the only way to “balance the books” so we could go forward.
I kind of get his reasoning, and know he has trust issues from a past relationship.
We aren’t young people, and both bring a fair load of emotional baggage to the relationships
I don’t know whether to go with my heart and give it a go, or stick to my logical guns and close this chapter. If I stay I worry that the loss of trust will chip away at me, no matter how much he promises me. But maybe it wouldn’t.
The very few I’ve told this IRL are not negotiable in their advice to me to end it.
Advice, experiences all gratefully received.
Cheating. Should I stay or should I go?
Cheating. Should I stay or should I go?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
16 Replies
Run for the hills and don’t look back!!!
Go, he didn’t just accidentally develop feelings for someone. He is actively cheating and looking to cheat, to teach yiu a lesson. That’s some toxic effed up thought processes.
If he was and is still hurt by what you did there js a mature way of dealing with that. That’s not what he chose.
Go be single, take a break from the drama, and work on yourself, so you can get into a healthy relationship. This will never be healthy.
Oh fuck no. You want a relationship built on ‘balancing the books’ against each other. You’re letting guilt rule you and you’ll end up very unhappy putting up with this bullshit. No you don’t deserve it, he forgave you and youve built two years and now you see him and what you’ll get, so make your choice…
No no no balance the books, tit for tat!! What a crock of Sh..!
Move on. You both obviously aren’t for each other and both want other people. Also what he did, doesn’t make anything equal. It’s pathetic really.
Stop wasting your time and go! If you don’t go now, this will be on going and the excuse will always be, balance the books 🤦🏼♀️
You will never trust him again and I do believe his excuse is crap! He’s prob balanced the books way before now.
This whole relationship is off balance!
He's actively looking to hook up / date other people and is blaming it on you for something that happened 2 years ago. That might be the biggest load of bullshit I've heard this week.
If he was so affected by you having phone sex with someone two years ago, he should have broken up with you then (and rightly so, I would have).
If he felt he needed to physically cheat in order to "pay you back", then 1) he should have been upfront about, and 2) that's a much worse thing than you did.
Maybe you should both walk away from this clearly toxic and immature relationship, both of you go fk around for awhile, and each find a grown-up relationship when you've both grown up and are ready for it.
This is some 16yo shit going on here.
Only 2 years together and already like this. Just end it and save yourselves years of misery! Coz if you are cheating now, it won’t stop! ok you did want you did but getting even isn’t an excuse to cheat. I’m sure it’s not the first time and won’t be the last. Go find yourselves someone you are happy with.
Phone sex is emotional cheating, not physical. Early in a relationship things aren't as serious. You're now well in to a supposedly monogamous relationship and he is looking for hookups outside of that. It's nowhere near tit for tat... Even if that was an acceptable justification.
You either have an agreement that you aren't exclusive or you see this for what it is... An excuse.
Personally, I'd move on because I couldn't forgive, no matter how hard I tried. You need to be honest with yourself about your line in the sand though. If you can move in, great. If not, don't draw it out.
No thanks, I’d be out.
You wont stand for cheating, but you cheated? You’re as bad as eachother.
Just the wording sounds awful. Go you separate ways before a 2 year relationship becomes 10 with kids, house, dogs, cars and financial complications.
Balancing the books? Nah that's wack. And a piss poor excuse for some emotionally immature behaviour. Are you sure he hasn't cheated physically already and you haven't found out yet? He sounds exhausting.
If you stay I guarantee 100% he will do it again. And again
And again. He doesn't sound secure within himself so will always look for fast validation from fast women.
If you don't think you can both learn how to trust and move forward then a separate self healing journey will be so good for your soul. If you choose the solo path, think of the cool shit your gonna be able to accomplish with out him! Also do you really wanna be with someone so spiteful 😏 Good luck honey x
2 years is such a short time in comparison to a lifetime. What would you prefer? Two years of an experience that didn't work out? Or decades, possibly a lifetime of rocky relationship, lack of trust and unease? I guess thats the fork in the road you are currently facing. All the best with which ever decision you make.
Phone sex is cheating. The trust and care factor for cheating went out the window then. The relationship should have been ended then. It's all good to say this guy is a cheater but so are you.
If this is how it is within only 2 years I’d be letting it go. You cheated he’s probably about to cheat, it’ll only get worse. Both stay single for awhile. The fact you said you both aren’t young, and this is how your relationship is, I’d walk away if I were either of you
I have to respond anonymously.
I have been in this exact position, and I am still living in its wake. It is very hard to forgive this breach of trust, and for me impossible to forget.
In order for your relationship to continue to grow you need to be able to do both.
For me I can't, and it eats me alive every day.
I ended up moving our family 500klms away. I then took up a job where I very happily have 4 nights away from him every week. I work 480kls away from where I live. I drive back and forth. This has been the only way I can continue to live with him. ( We have young children)
You need to seriously assess what your expecting to feel in the future, you have already indicated that your thoughts may not be positive.
By staying I have basically given my partner the green light to go ahead and stay on these sites and continue pursuing hook ups because nothing else changed. We fought hard for a few months but he is still here, and has been caught multiple times . So you need to think of this too, it can more than a nibble at your sanity.
The road to forgiveness may take time. It's so much harder to forget.
Honestly no one can give you the right answer. And what maybe the right answer now you may regret (Wether it's stay or go)
6 months ago I discovered my husband was having "massages"😉😉.
I was always very firm if he cheated on me that was the end. I would walk. And well it happened and I'm still here. We have gone through marriage counselling as a couple and individual. It's hard most days, I struggle alot but the days I struggle are slowly growing further apart and don't seem to last as long.
I couldn't tell you why I stayed. But I can say he admitted all details, some I wish he really didn't, he sourced counselling without prompting and followed through with it all, he called my dad and his dad and disclosed everything. He took complete responsibility for his actions and he still takes responsibility for the consequences of his actions.
If you do decide to stay you both need to be aware that this is a lifetime marathon of healing.
I will admit despite the hard days we are a stronger couple, we have improved our communication. We are actually over all in a better place right now.
You have to trust your gut. Your brain and your heart will be fighting each other. Your gut will stay true