My partner and I have been together for nearly 3 years. We will be married next month.
He was newly separated when we met.
His ex wife has had a huge issue with our relationship from the get go and had been sending abusive and threatening messages, emails, texts and has even created 4 different fb accounts to try and contact me on. This has been going on for over 2.5 years now and his children have followed suit. (17 yrs and 21yrs)
They are now wishing we would all die in a car crash, sending photos of myself and my young child calling us whores.
Threatening to ruin our wedding.
The last straw for my partner was a fb page created in his name and its awful. They added heaps of clients and friends.
He has since taken out an intervention order on the ex and blocked everyone.
The problem is we don't really know if it's the kids (young adults) who's is sending messages, who's created the fb or if it's the ex.
We have two years of evidence to take if she wants to challenge it.
(We do want contact with the kids, but it's always abusive or it's about money. Their mum gets heaps of child support.)
I have told him from the get go and so has lots of loved ones that it will pass and they will come around, but it's just getting worse.
He loves his kids, and this is ripping him apart emotionally.
We have also been enabling this awful behaviour so far from all 3 of them by being their emotional punching bag and physical one once.
If the situation was reversed and it was my ex that was doing this we would have gone to the police 2 years ago.
I can't ask my partner to take one out on his kids even if he should. It will effect my relationship negatively, but it currently is anyway.
I don't know what I'd do if it was my kids except slap them for talking to anyone in that manner.
I would really appreciate some incite or advice. Legal or emotional.
30 Replies
Don't think I'm victim blaming but they must have been together around 20 years, he shouldn't have moved on so quickly. Older kids take separation badly especially because they are more in tune to their parents emotions, if they see one is hurt and miserable, while the other seems happy and doesn't care, they will feel very protective of the parent that's hurt and lose respect for the parent that they think made them that way. Not much you can do about it now as what's done is done.
Whenever anyone says 'I'm not victim blaming , but'
You are!
I'm not sure why he 'shouldn't have moved on so quickly '?
It was a mutual decision to separate.
Everyone can have their feelings.
However relationships are a two way street especially with older children.
You're are right there is only so much you can do when the other parent is feeding all this hate and demonstrating and enabling this kind of lack of respect to another human.
We have put up with it all to give them all time to process these feelings.
It's done nothing but demonstrate we are just hear to be treated like crap to make someone else feel better.
I'm just trying to explain to you why the kids are being the way they are. They should have been given the chance to process their parents separation then maybe they would have been able to see how spiteful their mother was BEFORE you came along and you may have a very different relationship with them now.
I have nothing but positive words to say about my daughters father.
Because it's respectful co parenting.
No matter how badly it ended or how I feel about him. We are tied together by a child forever.
I also model care and respect for myself and others to my child.
Why do you want to encourage your child to be that kind of person.
It's like they get praised for it.
Agreed. Just because he moved on from the relationship quickly, doesn't mean the relationship wasn't over for a long time before the break up. I met my partner 3 months after his x left him, who he was on and off again with for 18yrs. I'm now the home recker because he met me and they didn't get back together this time.
So were the kids told it was over a long time before breaking up or did they just find out before you came along? I hate it when nobody thinks of the kids in these situations then complain when they don't take it well. It's not about the parents, it's about the kids. Just because the parents might know it's over it doesn't mean the kids do.
They were living separately at the time. They were fine until his father met someone else
How do you know his ex wife didn’t move on sooner. What a ridiculous response!
How do you know I wouldn't say the same thing if it was her writing in?! Why would my point of view be any different?!! What a ridiculous response!
I think you need to separate yourself from him in this situation. You both have different positions within this, and you each can handle it differently.
I would be having a good look at him, you’re right it should have been knocked off 2 years ago. Why does it continue? Does he give her reason to still be angry? And why are the adult children so hateful towards him? Does he have no boundaries, no care, made no effort for them just for himself?
He can try to have a relationship with them, he should go to the effort of that being just between them anyway, away from you. You can block, delete, report to police, and you should.
It continues because we have just sat back and taken it, and responded with love or nothing at all.
We really thought if would stop eventually.
Responding in anger is not our thing and it would just fueled this behaviour.
No he doesn't give her any reason. It always out of the blue. It seems like if one of them has had a bad day we will hear from them.
I also don't know how long I could message someone I love to say I'm thinking of you and do you need anything, only to be meet with. 'I funking hate you and I wish you'd all die'
Also what are we teaching them.
But you're correct he has put up no boundaries to protect himself emotionally from the kids and he has even talked to a professional about this and how to manage the situation.
(The psychologist just told him if you keep putting up with it it won't stop or change. Tell them your here for them but not here to be treated this way. )
He has always been there for the kids whenever they need him for anything, we bend over backwards when the youngest would stay over a year ago.
I'm very happy for him to have time with he kids without me present.
(I also won't have my young daughter around his any more. I don't care if the threats are Hot air or not, I need to protect my child and feel confident in her safety. )
It's learned behaviour. It also must be hard fir them as they live with their Mum and can imagine would be trying to keep the peace in their own nest.
I realise it's not about me. And I appreciate your reply.
I was just speaking to a friend whose ex moved on very quickly and the ‘love’ he’s giving his kids is so apathetic. They’re hurting so badly and he just won’t do what he needs to to mend the relationship, but sees he had to do what he did and wants them just to fall in line with how it is now, so it stays broken and strained and the children are hurting.
Just since you can see he’s done no wrong but loved them, yet clearly they disagree.
This is the problem I have with society and my future husband for that matter for enabling this.
This behaviour is not okay no matter who is doing it.
The simple fact she is a woman and the kids are female, does it make this behaviour okay.
They are just hurt and that's what hurt people do.
Threaten and abuse.
If she was a he it would be DV.
If the kids were male I don't think he would put up with it.
It's all well and good because this isn't your friend or your daughter posting this.
It's not your innocent 5 year old daughter or granddaughter pictured or mentioned in said abuse.
I really hope the courts don't see this situation in this light. 😕
No your ex and the kids are definitely separate entities here. Read it again, I’m talking about the kids.
For the ex, even if (and I’m just saying even if) her world has collapsed and her husband of twenty years can run off and cause endless harm for them all, leaving them ruined struggling and broken, she can loathe him but she can not harass him.
The advice has clearly said right from the start to enforce boundaries and that you should cut all contact and file charges.
He needs to follow the psychologist advice.
What they are doing sucks and it’s obvious the mum has fueled the fire.
I’d be putting my foot down with my partner over this. It’s ok if he wants to be a punching bag, but it’s not ok that you and your child are in this situation. I’m surprised you are planning to marry him next month.
I’d be taking a step back for my own mental health, and to protect my child.
The kids and have ex have probably wrongly jumped to the conclusion there was an affair.
Sounds like he puts his head in the sand and avoids conflict regardless of who is being hurt, so I’d say affair or not the adult children have felt that.
Don’t marry him, wait and see if he can protect you and your daughter, because he isn’t at the moment.
His kids are clearly hurt and he hasn’t been able to resolve that either.
Does he care about their feelings or just what he wants?
Do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life?
This is so apt. He broke his children's relationship with them by moving on so quickly and hasn't been able or willing to fix it. A parent who has a fued going on for 3 years with both of his children is concerning.
After being upset with the lack of productivity support on this issue.
And realising this is standard behaviour and such a common attitude toward the victim when it's the dad or the 'new wife'.
I realised I delt with own separation with dignity and respect for myself, my daughter and her father.
My child is learning positive life lessons, will be held accountable for her actions.
This is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves our children and our future.
After being upset with the lack of productivity support on this issue.
And realising this is standard behaviour and such a common attitude toward the victim when it's the dad or the 'new wife'.
I realised I delt with own separation with dignity and respect for myself, my daughter and her father.
My child is learning positive life lessons, will be held accountable for her actions.
This is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves our children and our future.
Exactly right, you treat your kids and ex with respect and you usually don’t end up with a problem.
Not apt at all. Mum has likely been poisoning them. I’ve seen it with friends - his ex left him, he moved on after about 6 months of being separated, she poisoned the kids against him saying the new relationship was why daddy wasn’t coming home again, he didn’t love them anymore because if he did he wouldn’t be seeing someone else, and nothing he said or did could combat that - they believed mum’s lies.
My own mother tried it, she badmouthed my father to me and my brother every single chance she got - it didn’t work because everything she’d say was contradictory to something else she’d said previously and I’m not stupid, but she tried her damnedest to turn us against him - it’s been 27 years since they’ve separated, I haven’t spoken to her in 14 years now but she STILL tries to badmouth him to my little brother.
Some people are just toxic and can’t let go or accept it when people see them for what they really are and don’t come crawling back to them, and get nasty when they lose the control they had.
I'm 9 years in with my partners crazy x and her still attempting to bust us is, fb pages, accusations of him being a kiddy fiddler, I beat up my step kids. She's turned 3 against us so far. The department removed the children from her long ago. The kids who live with her now no longer attend school (maybe every now and then show up) and the eldest is an addict. Seeing kids turn on the only reliable loving parent is hard. I see my partner break with every unanswered text and call or forgotten birthdays. Sadly, I'm gonna say, the crazy never ends, and kids often chose the parent with the least rules or supervision. These sorts of people can't mentally move on, or control their actions, even if they have other partners.... Clearly she's not stable
You need to get married and Ignore any Facebook messages or contact with any of them. Cut contact for some time until it blows over. Take out avo on all of them! They need to know that this isn’t ok.
you say they were newly separated when you got together. One of the kids was 18 at that stage meaning this was a very long term relationship.
So this guy just up and left his family and moved on quickly.
sounds like a gem.
Sounds like one person was unhappy in their marriage and ended it. Then met someone else and is getting re married.
The ex can't control their emotions and obviously has the time for this abusive nonsense, instead of focusing on their happiness.
What a Gem.
I’ve read a few of your responses on here, assuming it’s you, you asked for opinions but any opinions, thoughts and possible ideas you may not like, you attack back quickly, you can choose to let this be offensive to you or take it all on board and just consider the other side. Her behavior is wrong. Could it still be salvageable for the kids sake? She sounds very very hurt and it’s coming out really wrong. You can add fuel to the fire or water. You should’ve have to but you are the one here asking.
Imagine for a second you had two older kids, married 20 years, starting to show signs of getting older and hubby and you separate.
Hubby has told you it was a mutual separation BUT did the wife have high hopes her 2 decade partner might miss her after a separation and they’d reconcile? Start dating again? Imagine the rejection and pain.
Regardless of the possibility it could of been over years ago we just don’t know.
You must be a fair bit younger, youthful, ovaries working and he’s made a whole new family. She may not have that possibility if she found someone else to love. Women don’t always have the choice to start again with a family. Age is cruel for women and men trading in wives for a younger model is painful even if they are happy to see the back end of them.
It’s all only a guess as we have only heard your side of things and I’m not saying you are lying at all but it’s your perception of things (not talking evidence based but feelings etc, things you can’t see)
I feel very sorry for her.
But a woman scorned can be deadly so tread carefully (watch Dirty John Betty season 2) and best of luck with your family and wedding.
Btw - happily together 30 years
What a beautiful response x
Hi. She has been served and we are married.
I felt sorry for her 2 years ago not now.
They are all perfectly valid reasons to abuse and harras someone.....
She has chosen misery. Because of her behaviour, even her in inlaws have had enough!
I am sorry I posted anything and I will never put off protecting myself and my family again because someone can't manage their feelings.
She will be lucky if she doesn't loose her job!
All because of her choices!
My heart goes out to you. I was in a similar situation only my husband was too afraid of his ex and her threats she would (and did for a while) turn the kids against him. Because he was a coward and did nothing about it except bribe all of them with money, Things have gone from bad to worse and the children have become adult bullies and my husband “sees nothing wrong with it” (as a coward he deems it ok if it means someone other than him is the victim). The behaviour has got me to a point now where I need to leave the marriage.
I would say be sure your man is going to support you and if there’s ANY doubt then get out now. I don’t think cowards and bullies ever change