Hi Sisterhood,
My ex and I separated when my youngest was 6 months. He is now 5. We have a 7 year old also.
I have always been the primary caregiver and have had 100% care through everything. Sickness, work, holidays etc. I work full time in a very demanding job with flights once a week to another part of Australia, covid was a blessing as it eased this travel.
Now, last year for 2 months my ex ‘tried’ shared care of our two children which didn’t work out for him due to his own personal issues. My husband and I took back full care and my ex now sees the kids back to the usual once every fortnight (Friday through till Monday) with a view to lead back into equal care.
However, no such movements have been made on his behalf. When I do bring this up with him I’m met with things such as:
.You just want time to yourself
.Why should I do 50/50 care to facilitate you
.I’ll just take full custody of the kids and move them away to an area I like if you want me to have them more
. Other separated dads only see their kids every other weekend
At not one point have I asked for anymore than what is fair. After raising them on my own I met a wonderful man who took us all on and we have always with it without this man maintained a stable home and environment. I want to know how I respond to my kids being taken from me because I’m asking for their bio dad to step up and have equal shared care? I’m not asking for money, I’m asking for him to spend time with him children.
I have set up mediation, just waiting for our meetings which seem to be taking a bit due to covid.
Thank you
15 Replies
He’s not going to step up so stop asking. Your life is so much better without having to discuss everything with him and negotiate his assholery and control and letting the kids down every second week.
There’s no way he’ll take the kids or would get them. He doesn’t even want them. He’s just running his mouth with horrible threats and accusations because he’s a man baby.
Sorry, but why would you want the, in is care? It doesn’t sound like he’s up to the task at all, and asking it of him, could back fire.
Week on week off is great, when both parents can co-parent in a positive way. That’s not where you guys are at.
And while in a perfect world, he’d parent equally, that often doesn’t work out. You can’t force someone to parent, and taking him to mediation won’t improve the situation, just like taking him to court won’t. Nobody can force him to parent. He will just fail to show up and neglect the kids.
Stop focusing on what is fair, and start focusing on what’s in the best interest if the kids, and that’s being with the parent who will do the right thing (you).
I couldn’t agree more but would also add, situations like these are never going to be “fair”. You have to take yourself and your ex out of the equation and do what’s fair (best) for your kids. My ex sounds similar to yours but we never spoke about shared care, he just threatens he will “go for shared care” when he finds out I’ve moved on with my life/done something he doesn’t “approve” of, when he couldn’t continue to his his income when he wanted to buy his house and child support went up, etc. I’ve always told him he’s welcome to take me to court if he is serious about anything more than his alternate weekends - which we already each spent over $50k and 3 years to get written into consent orders.
If your kids were his priority he would have gone to mediation years ago and would willingly be in their lives more without you pushing. Do your kids a favour and leave it as is. His threat of having them full time is a load of shit. Even if he did agree to have 50/50 you wouldn't be able to rely on him he chooses when he is or isn't a parent. Which means he will forever be skipping weeks because something more important has come up and that's only going to mess with your kids routine and eventually their mental health.
He doesn’t want them because he can’t cope with that responsibility so don’t ask anymore. He has proven he can’t do it and is too selfish to give up some of his life for his kids. So forget the idea and keep raising them yourself. He is trying to control you and blackmail you to get out of it. He doesn’t deserve to have them with his attitude. he doesn’t want you being free, that’s what he doesn’t want.!
You don’t need mediation he doesn’t want them. Just continue on as you are and forget about him.
If he wanted them he would jump at the chance. This isn’t about your kids to him, it’s about you having time off from them, he doesn’t like it. You are happy with another man, he also prob doesn’t like that. Stop giving him the time of day. It’s obvious he doesn’t want them and I was you, I’d count my blessings and continue to raise them as you are without his dramas.
So he has the kids every second weekend? That isn't you being the sole carer. My dad had my every 2nd weekend from the time I was 2. He was absolutely an active parent in my life.
Don't get me wrong, he's not on a pedestal and my mum is awesome.... But the way you describe it demeans their relationship with their dad.
I think it's amazing that families do 50/50 care now... So much better for the parents. But I'm glad I didn't have that as a kid. Navigating 2 different household expectations etc is taxing. And constantly swapping homes would have been so hard with assignments and extra curricular activities as a teenager. If your kids are happy, let it go and be grateful you're the one who has them. If they want more, see if he's open to a dinner mid week with them or something.
My kids dad has them every other weekend Friday and Saturday night. As per c/link, I’m the primary caregiver.
yes of course. The OP is saying she has 100% care through everything though. A parent with a custody arrangement of every second weekend isn't uninvolved.
Please never force your kids on anyone, even if it’s their father, it is never in their best interests for obvious reasons.
Mediation cannot make him parent.
You tried once, it didn’t work, move on.
This is coming from someone with more care than you currently have and I would never do what you’re doing.
It’s also not 100 percent care if he has them every second weekend.
What is this poster doing? Asking her children’s dad to step up? I’m hoping you’re not a mother posting this. Disgusting
Asking an unwilling, lazy, spiteful, resentful caregiver to increase their custody is dangerous for those kids.
The kids are not a burden to passed around, they are people with feelings and should never be put in a situation where they’re cared for by such an unwilling participant.
This isn’t about mum or dad having time off, it’s about what is best for those kids.
You have obviously never been in this situation.
Mediators will tell you, you can’t make a person parent, you can fight for custody but you can’t fight for them to have custody. And you shouldn’t, for your kid’s sake.
It’ll only cause you and the kids more issues. When he neglects them, starts going out and leaving them home, getting drunk, leaving them with his family members or worse friends or mates partners. When he’s flakey and doesn’t show or cancels or cancels their clubs or previous plans and it disrupts everyone’s plans. When he’s broke and there’s no food for them at his house. When he doesn’t agree, doesn’t want to hear it and starts a fight every time you bring any of it up. It really is asking for problems, putting the kids on someone that has shown he can’t have them (and he doesn’t want them).
Don’t bother with mediation if it’s to try and get him to take the kids more. Accept what it is and stop begging. Leave the current arrangement!