Struggling in relationship

Hi all,

I’ve been walking on eggshells around my husband of 15 years. He’s always had a bad temper, pretty stubborn and tends to lash out at me when he’s upset about anything really. He’ll get really personal and call me names, and then when he calms down takes it back and goes on like nothing happened. He’ll then be extra nice for a week or two, before the same thing happens over and over again, I’m exhausted.
My problem is that it’s now making me feel indifferent about life and really unhappy.
As an example, when he’s in a good mood he may tell me that I work so hard and encourage me to rest, or take an afternoon to myself. When I do, he will often start ignoring me and then blow up about how I’m lazy or could have done xyz on that day off. I’m not convinced that he’s always angry at me, but he’s definitely bothered/stressed about something and then looks for ways to let it out on me. When he calms things are great. He’s a wonderful dad, hard worker and everyone loves him.
I’ve tried reasoning with him in those moments, I’m not perfect but I can’t understand the rage and name calling. Not long ago during an argument he told me that nobody loves me, even my own family. He said specific people told him they don’t like me but wouldn’t tell me who. He fixated on telling me this all week. When he finally cooled off and said he didn’t mean it, I told him how hurt I was. he maintains that I should just be able to get over it if he said he didn’t mean it. A few days ago he got so upset that I was sitting down while he was doing something, that he called me an effing b**** in front of our child. I was so upset I told him that was so out of line and he got all defensive saying I keep playing a victim and to get over it. When he calmed down again he told me he shouldn’t have called me that in front of our child. But it just keeps happening in a cycle more and more often.

I see very similar tendencies in our child, and it makes me sad to think they watch my husband say these things about me. I don’t know what to do, I’m at a loss and it’s making me so sad. I’m realising he’s always been like this and I thought they were just kinks in the relationship I needed to iron out. I’ve lost my self esteem completely and don’t even know how to defend myself anymore. I just find myself avoiding talking to him, like when he asks me to take a break and sit down, I just say no thanks and keep cleaning when he’s around, to avoid him inevitably getting upset.

He’s my first partner and I genuinely sometimes feel like I’m going crazy, like is this what it’s supposed to be like? Does anyone experience this? I don’t even know what kind of advice I need, maybe I’m just venting because I don’t really have anyone. Sorry for the long winded post.