Hi,
I was in a DV situation for 21 years.
He is now in custody and facing some serious charges.
I feel so sad and heartbroken, regardless of the abuse, I loved him with my everything.
How do you survive the first few days? He was the first person I would tell anything to, I’m just crying.
I’m trying to function for my kids but I just couldn’t go to work today. I feel numb.
I know I did the right thing for my kids but how do I survive these days?
DV, husband in custody
DV, husband in custody
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
7 Replies
It gets easier you just have to get past the hardest first days of this. Keep strong, keep distracted. Get the kids out for the day, bushwalking, beach walks, great for your mind and spending time with the kids. You are already stronger than you know. Taking that first step is massive. There is a new life for you now, enjoy that time by yourself, not being abused daily. Get a care plan from your DR and Seek professional help. Get out and enjoy yourself with your kids as much as you can. Surround yourself with good people, lots of laughs and live the life that you deserve. Let him live his miserable life and never ever feel guilty. Do not communicate with him at all. He will work his way back. Create a new life for you and your kids now. Get out and try new things. Catch up with some friends and take time out for you. In a few months you will look back how far you have come and be living your best life. Keep strong and keep looking forward. You are finally free, you don’t need him.
You have done the hardest part at this point. Now you need to keep looking ahead and don’t look back. Speak with a close friend or family member and get it all out.Ring 1800 respect for some advice and people to turn to. Please don’t drop any charges. I know many women who do this because they find it all too hard and the situation never changes. He needs to be held accountable and your kids need to know that what he did, is not ok.
He is where he needs to be and you are where you need to be and that is safe with your kids. Try and not hide away from the world as much as you want to right now. You need people more than you realise and it will help you get through it.
Ask yourself what you would tell your friends in this situation. I also think that getting back to work, sooner rather than later will be better for you else you will become a hermit and hide away.
I hope you are feeling much better now and finding a smile in each day. It gets easier.
I was in DV for 12 years and when I finally got away, it was harder than staying. I truly loved him too. Nobody around you understands, they just say "well you're free now or now you're safe so move forward."
Move forward to what? He controlled my every single step for 12 years. How do I "just go to the supermarket" and buy bread or maybe a little chocolate treat or a drink because I'm thirsty. It becomes really hard to live without consequences because they become so ingrained into our brains we don't even realise. I couldn't work for a good 6 months. I had no focus, no time management, I either couldn't sleep or slept too much. I had the kids to think about.
That's my answer, First few days I 100% focused on the kids. Completely dissociated from myself and life around me. Then after about 2 weeks, I started doing just one normal thing a day. Take the kids to the park or pool. I stopped writing a shopping list and used it to try trigger my brain into working and remembering. School drop off/pick up. It's a really rough time. Definitely if you don't have a best friend/family member. Get yourself booked in for counselling.
It's such a hard spot you're in right now. Don't try to do anything. Just be. Be sad, be happy, be angry, be quiet, just be however you need to be in that moment. Good luck, take care and don't pressure yourself.
Ps. I am now 9 years out. It gets easier after 3/4 month mark.
It’s one of the hardest times. I focused on my children. Unfortunately they make you rely on them for everything. You’ll find you focus on the good times. Stop them thoughts, wash up, do a puzzle, anything to take your mind away. It’s all about control. You’ve broken his control. Remember these words (I ran this around in my head every day) HE WILL NOT CONTROL MY LIFE NOW. HE WILL NOT HURT ME OR MY CHILDREN AGAIN (I’m not saying he physically hurt them, but it’s emotional abuse them being around the abuse) This is your new start. Do you have a friend you can talk to? Family?
When you do start remembering the abuse (you will it’s all part of the process) think of your happy place, you safe zone. Focus on creating new happy memories for you & your children. They need to feel safe too.
Please get some DV support. I don’t know where you are from but EMDR is great. There’s a good chance you have PTSD. Please, please get help to help you & your children through this.
I promise you life will be amazing in time. You’ll feel safe, you’ll be relaxed, your children will shine & the bond between you & them will be unbreakable. You have not only shown your children your strong & set the example it’s not ok for people treat them that way but you’ve also shown them they come first & it’s you & them forever 💕
Be proud. Your stronger than you think. You survived 💕
I hope I haven’t gone against any rules xx