Maybe TMI, or not.
Wanting some advice from those who have been married for a long time. I have been with my husband for 25 years and we get along great. There is plenty of fun, laughter, playing, conversation and trust. We are doing fairly well in life in general and love raising our four children together. Things can be hard but as far as hard goes, we have it pretty easy.
My issue is the sex. We have sex a few times a week and it is fine but I just don't have any passion left for him at all. I don't want foreplay or kissing or anything extra because it just does not do it for me. Before anyone says try to spice it up, we have and do, it has never been boring, and really quite raunchy as far a kink and play goes. But for the last 3 years I am just not into him in an intimate sense, I am really into him in a life sense though. For me to want to do anything other than the basics, I really need to brace myself and it makes me feel really bad for him (and me).
Does anyone who has been in a similar situation have any words of wisdom? How do I make myself feel attracted to him again? How do I not feel physically turned off by anything other than intercourse? How do I get us back to where we were for 22 years? Interested in any ideas no matter how out there.
4 Replies
Is it possible that you are so busy filling everyone else’s cup that you are forgetting to fill your own? So when it comes time to being intimate with hubby you can’t handle that closeness? Maybe try taking time out everyday to refill your cup. Keep the lines of communication open with hubby. Explain how you are feeling. Work out what you each need to do for each other, as well as for the household in general, for you to want to have intimacy with him again. I’m single and have been for many years, so I may be way off track. But I know when my youngest was born I was so busy caring for my special needs baby, an active toddler, trying to keep on top of maintaining the house, barely sleeping because the kids were constantly waking in the night, a hubby who expected me to do everything because I wasn’t working and was slowly becoming increasingly abusive because I wasn’t managing to stay on top of everything, that the last thing I wanted was to be intimate with my hubby.
Can I just say… a few times a WEEK!!!!! Wholly crap!!! That’s ALOT after all those years hahaha. I’ve been with my hubby for the same amount of time and he’s lucky if we do it once a month 🤣 My advice would be space it out… do it once a week, or longer. You might find there to be more longing and enjoy it more.
look into tantra. A tantra weekend or holiday without the kids. Also are you going on dates. Need to get the motor running out of the bedroom.
If you are open to trying new things, have you ever considered trying a swingers club/private swingers group (there are really respectful venues with clean and regulated facilities). I have experienced this previously in a relationship and quite enjoyed how liberating and strong it made our relationship- as long as you have strong foundations, including good communication and respect.
The way we looked at it was that it was a tool in our sex life to keep it interesting. We had a rule not to "play" without each other. But I met loads of different couples who had been doing it for years, happily married. Some even "playing" separately in an open relationship.
Don't get me wrong, it's not for everyone- but keep an open mind and you never know...