Hi
Just wanting opinions/advice on blended families and how step parents should be involved. What’s too much ?
My partner and I have been seeing each other for over 12 months. I have two kids 6 n 8yo. He has one child who is 8. They met after about 6 months dating. Kids get on pretty well. Being an only child he sometimes struggles with mine being so active and in your face (so to speak) but There’s never been fights or anything. Yet.
My main question is how and when should a step parent have a say in the childrens behaviours attitudes etc? Im a pretty cruzy mum. Kids can do a lot of things before they’re told no. They’re probably a bit spoilt. Living with my parents the last 18mo and been let get away with a lot and had a lot of stuff done for them. But They’re good kids. Kind. Polite. Caring.
Hes a lot stricter. Big on manners. Which is cool. But will chastise my kids for not eating all their dinner. Or leaving a door open (and a million flies come in). Little things I’ve always let slide. He is onto them about. I’ve told him they’re not use to that and it’ll take time for them to adjust to stricter rules. He doesn’t hit or yell or anything like. Just expects respect and manners from them.
I just want to know. Is that too much? He has every best intention of making them more independent children. Which I get. He’s helped my son ALOT with a lot of things he’s struggled with. He’s also done ALOT more things and spent quality time with them then what their own father ever has.
My son can just get upset at times (usually when he’s tired) at my partner for pulling him up on things.
Do I say no to my partner? Even though he is doing it to help them grow.
Or support him?
Just don’t know what to do?? Don’t want to mess my kids up. They’re my everything.
Thanks
Blended families. What/when is it appropriate for step parents to ‘parent’ step children
Blended families. What/when is it appropriate for step parents to ‘parent’ step children
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Kids
6 Replies
This is something only you can decide. Basically the question is: we don't parent the same way, how much do I let him impose his style onto my children?
I think his intention is beside the point here. The answer has to be about you and your children. They can learn respect for him and his quirks and expectations, but it's a problem if you let him take over and if you let him speak to the children in a way that you've always taught them is a wrong way to speak to children/people. YeS I would definitely speak up and say to give your kid a break if he's had enough. It's a huge change and when children are tired they need their normal, and kindness, and I just can't see a time Id let a man keep pushing him during that instead of showing love.
You guys need to get on the same page about stuff. Both of you will have to compromise a bit.
Personally I would never force kids to finish their plates - I think it teaches people to ignore hunger signals and sets people up for unhealthy habits - and prefer to serve up meals family/buffet style so it minimises the chance of kids taking food they don't want/won't eat. The leaving the door wide open thing, you might have to compromise on as it does things apart from let flies in, like let warm air in when air conditioning is on etc.
Those are examples, obviously, but you need to be a team and back each other.
There needs to be compromise and open mindedness in order to create a blended family. It's very rare that you get two single parents coming together who have absolutely identical parenting styles and philosophies. So it's imperative that one person's values are not overriding the other person's and that both parties are willing to incorporate each other's way of doing things.
Personally, I think he needs to relax a bit and I think you could stand to be a little less lenient.
Children need firm boundaries, especially when it comes to things like manners, respect for the home and respect for other people but children also need grace from time to time, they don't need to have the hammer dropped on them over every single indiscretion.
I think finding that middle ground is going to help you guys a lot.
On the other hand though, sometimes people's parenting styles are just too different to make it work.
A friend of mine dated a guy with kids, she's very into routine, rules, healthy eating, everyone pitching in around the house etc.
He was an anti bedtime, eat whatever whenever, very little in the way of discipline, no routine whatsoever, kids don't need to do chores or even need to tidy up after themselves type of guy.
Watching them try and create this united family was painful, it eventually fell apart for obvious reasons.
I guess ultimately you need to decide if this is a speed bump along the way of if it's just a plain old dead end.
To me, it’s too soon.
You both need to sit down together and decide what your house rules are. You still need to do the bulk of disciplining and parenting.
Your children need to know you are consistent and don’t parent based on wether you are in a relationship or not.
If you can’t compromise on house rules, it won’t work. Your kids won’t benefit from your boyfriend being tougher on them than you. You need to be on the same page and consistent.
Expecting manners and doors closed are things other parents will also expect if your kids go to friends homes. It's not exactly parenting and should be coming from you too. I would explain to him that they don't need to finish their dinner if they're not hungry... But check they're not snacking before or after dinner first. If they are, they're choosing not to eat dinner and being rude.
The exception to teaching manners is also understanding each other. My step dad got angry most mornings because I didn't say good morning when I first got up... But I don't wake up alert. He should have said good morning first so I could respond or waited until my brain was functioning
I am a stepmother of 16 years now. I have never parented my Husband's child and I don't feel that I should. We have lived together for 15 years. I have asked things of SS but I have never got up, yelled or disiplined him. That is his father's job.
I think you definitely need to have a conversation about parenting styles and get on the same page or just parent your own children