My partner and I were together for 3 years before we split for a year. We have been back together for a year.
In the year we had off he met another woman and they had a baby together. I have a nine year old daughter to another person but I don’t know how to deal with him having a child to someone else in between us.. it kind of breaks my heart. I haven’t met the child yet as she has a feeding tube and has to be with her mother (he meets the mum and child once a week to be able to see her). I am signed up for some counselling but I don’t know why I feel so anxious around this situation. It makes me just want to up and leave the relationship but I do love him a lot.
I do not know what to do, can anyone offer some guidance?
19 Replies
You don't know why you have anxiety about all this??! It's perfectly normal for this to not sit right with you. It's natural for this to be a reason you decide to move on, and that's ok. Healthy, even. Trying to force yourself through serious mental issues is not healthy.
Why do you want to be with him then? How did you end up back together without having considered all of this as part of the package? It seems like you split it, and want him but now need to work out how to talk yourself into being ok with it. Start to look at the whole thing as a package. Is it really what you want? And it is very ok to say no, it doesn't sit right with me. You don't have to be able to explain that. But in the time you split he moved on and it's ok to decide that too much happened for you to go back.
I would be out while you don’t have kids!
Him and the child aren’t for you to deal with. Did he only come back once the child was born? I couldn’t live like this. I would cut ties and start fresh. You split for a reason in the first place. Think if this is the life you want to keep living with him. Did anything change.? Why did he come back? What will happen when he has to have the child over night. Why haven’t you met the child.? Nothing stopping you really. Why can’t you go with him.? I would be out of there. Starting a new life with my other child. Don’t do this to yourself.
Sorry didn’t meant to reply 10 times 🤦🏼♀️ There was a glitch. Sad situation for you. Do what you know in your heart is right.
Hmmmm... Young baby with health issues requiring a feeding tube... The mum is probably limiting access to immediate family and that is perfectly reasonable.
As for the OP... Technically he's done absolutely nothing wrong. So if you can honestly be 100% ok with it and love this child as she grows because she's his daughter, stay. If not, walk away. Personally, my heart and my head wouldn't marry up so I'd walk for my sanity and the well-being of the child. She doesn't need a resentful step mum
You know you can delete the duplicate posts.
Starting a relationship definitely shouldn't be something that requires counselling. Be choosy, you're worth it, your happiness (that feeling in your gut) that's very important.
They have been together fours years, they aren’t “starting” a relationship.
If you have a really good foundation, this may work.
Try the counselling and eventually when you meet the child/mother, things may get better.
If you really love him, maybe give it a go, but don’t be afraid to walk away if it affects you too much and things don’t get better mentally.
Good luck.
No they were together three years and that ended. They are starting again. Or trying to. And a lot has happened. Firstly, the relationship broke down and they split up. That's huge. Then add on top what's happened in that year of being single. If you want to see it as continuing a relationship then yes having someone else's baby is hard to balance. You have to see it as restarting, and everything now and past needs to be considered and given the respect it deserves, and dealt with in order to be able to accept it and move forward.
I’m not sure how to?
I don’t agree that deleting your history, like it never existed and starting a new is the right way to go about it. I don’t even think it’s possible.
I think you need to work through the past and come to a place of acceptance, not denial that it ever happened.
I think counselling could help you navigate this.
Therapists always get you to talk through your problems and work through your past,
That's exactly what Im saying. Saying you've been together is deleting the year you were apart. Trying to delete that is hard when the baby is right there, that's the problem. You need to accept and embrace that you broke up and he's gone on and had another relationship (or decide that you can't).
Him and the child aren’t for you to deal with. Did he only come back once the child was born? I couldn’t live like this. I would cut ties and start fresh. You split for a reason in the first place. Think if this is the life you want to keep living with him. Did anything change.? Why did he come back? What will happen when he has to have the child over night. Why haven’t you met the child.? Nothing stopping you really. Why can’t you go with him.? I would be out of there. Starting a new life with my other child. Don’t do this to yourself.
Him and the child aren’t for you to deal with. Did he only come back once the child was born? I couldn’t live like this. I would cut ties and start fresh. You split for a reason in the first place. Think if this is the life you want to keep living with him. Did anything change.? Why did he come back? What will happen when he has to have the child over night. Why haven’t you met the child.? Nothing stopping you really. Why can’t you go with him.? I would be out of there. Starting a new life with my other child. Don’t do this to yourself.
Him and the child aren’t for you to deal with. Did he only come back once the child was born? I couldn’t live like this. I would cut ties and start fresh. You split for a reason in the first place. Think if this is the life you want to keep living with him. Did anything change.? Why did he come back? What will happen when he has to have the child over night. Why haven’t you met the child.? Nothing stopping you really. Why can’t you go with him.? I would be out of there. Starting a new life with my other child. Don’t do this to yourself.
I think the reason him having a baby makes you feel anxious is because it reminds you of your relationship breakdown.
How/why did your relationship come to an end?
Why did you get back together?
These are the two questions you need to ask yourself to figure out if your relationship is healthy/has a solid foundation.
What was the expectation when you split? Was it time apart to work on yourselves individually and as a couple? Was it over completely but you somehow found your way back to each other a year later? If you were working on your relationship while apart, was it agreed if you could see other people while apart? How long was he with the other woman? Did he stick with her while waiting to see if you would go back to him? So many questions, it’s no wonder you feel anxious about it. Definitely get some counseling for yourself. It would probably help to have couples counseling as well to help you navigate your new relationship which includes his child.
Also, if baby is tube fed, there should be no reason why dad can’t have time with baby multiple times a week without mum being present. Mum will be expressing or giving formula. Even if she is attempting to introduce the breast (depending on why the tube is required) the occasional missed attempt won’t interfere too much. And before anyone jumps down my throat, I’ve had a tube fed baby. Shared care was successful for my son, even at a very young age. He got to form a bond with both me and his father.
I would not be able to stay. I would be reminded every day that he moved on.
Him having baby in the year you were apart would be a huge reminder of your break up.
If you can get over it, you will have the child and their mother in your life for the rest of your life. That is a big responsibility, as eventually he (most likely) will want more visitation with his child.
If you really feel it can work with him, you will need some counselling to sort out your feelings. Maybe couples and family counselling with your daughter as well.
Firstly, I have to say from reading replies on Facebook is DO NOT EVER LET ANYONE MAKE YOU BELIEVE YOUR FEELINGS ARE RIDICULOUS. Your feelings are yours and let's face it, if you had a choice it would be easier not to feel this way.
You need to find a way, either through counselling or something else, to decide if this is a deal breaker. Let yourself feel what you are feeling, let your body and mind work through it on its own time.
Personally I would separate again to remove myself from the situation that is causing the everyday trauma and then start working through my feelings.
Whatever you do I hope you find happiness oxox