My fiancé and I have blended our families into one home. Everything has been going surprisingly smooth since 4 children between the ages of 9 and 14 are involved. My fiancé has an annual trip away with friends and his children, but his son doesn’t want me and my children to go. It is over NYE so I would love to be all together, however I don’t want to upset his son by feeling like I’m imposing on this annual trip, but am also torn as we are now becoming family. I know new families are an adjustment for children and I don’t want to take time away between him and his father, but don’t want to cause a separation between the sides. Any advice would be appreciated. My fiancé has made it very clear he wants me to be there, but I really don’t want to cause any strain in any relationship with his child.
16 Replies
How long have you all been living together?
First instinct is kids don't get a say in this, and also, it's weird and rude for him to ask this. But, what are his reasons? I mean, is this a special him and dad thing? Is there something special about it he's looking forward to? Is this a mum and dad thing for him? Is he embarrassed with these friends for some reason ie) hasn't told them yet etc. Doesn't want your kids included in some part of it? So many kid reasons it could be. If you get to that, you can solve it.
If he's 1 and now there's 4 kids, that really could be it, he's looking forward to his special time and a time out.
Kids need time alone wit( there bio parent, doing things they used to do. It doesn’t create a separation. Spending New Years apart won’t create a divide/separation unless you make a divide.
If you force the ‘we are totally blended and do everything together’ agenda you will push his son away.
Your kids need time with just you too. It’s really important to maintain some old boundaries ding rituals and traditions.
Give him this. Sounds like he’s been great accommodating the new family, at 14, a shit age for changes, so I would definitely give him this time with his dad. If he was an a hole all the time, my answer would be different. This is obviously important to him, you and dad should respect that, plus your kids need some time with just you too. I personally think dividing the family, giving kids time with bio parent is what keeps you together. I couldn’t imagine blending a family and not having time with just my kids.
You are very considerate of his son. That is lovely and thoughtful. BUT this is not his choice. This is something he needs to get used to. You can still go and let them have their own time together. Kick back and relax and let them be and enjoy thighs together. I feel for his son but this is your new life and he needs to get used to it. Have your partner spend a diff time doing things with his son on his own on a completely diff time other then over New Years. Get them to plan a weekend together just them, another time. He values time with his dad but he didn’t get to call the shots. Just go and hang back and bit. He will get used to it.
I have teenage step kids too and I think it's important to have space. We each do things with our own kids. If you've only just come together I would say it's better for you to each do something that's just you and your kids. It gives everyone space and strengthens bonds at a time when kids may be feeling a bit out of place.
I actually think it is a nice thing to each have time with your own children. Could you compromise and go for New Years? For 1-2 nights? Then leave them to have some dad/kid time.
Organise another trip another weekend they isn’t New Years, for him and his son. New Years you should all be enjoying time together.
Then again, as an adult, it's just another day. If it's a special tradition for the kids though, let them have it. It won't be long before their off with their mates and the fiance ca have the dad to herself.
Separations and re-partnering can be tough for a teenagers to come to terms with. I'd actually say teens have a tougher time adjusting to a blended family situation than younger kids.
If I can speak from experience, you tend to become painfully aware that your feelings are secondary to those of any adults involved. You have zero control of anything going on, you have new people come into your life that you have to accommodate whether you like it or not and the whole thing can just feel really overwhelming and invasive.
In Mr 14s case, he probably has memories of his mum, his dad and his siblings going on this annual trip. Then the separation happened and it probably became a dad and kids thing, now he's expected to just be chill about his dad's new partner and her kids tagging along - that's really got to come with a mixed bag of emotions.
I'll also assume this blended family situation is relatively new if this yearly new years trip is only coming up for the first time now, maybe it hasn't been long enough for a blended family getaway just yet.
Or maybe, this is just the one last thing Mr 14 isn't willing to share. Maybe some new blended family traditions need to be indrocuded so that Mr 14 and his dad can keep this one.
I think it's great that he feels safe to voice this. You're not married yet. Join for a little while but not the whole trip. Let them keep their tradition.
Your angaged, Live together, and are now an blended family. Your hubby would be wrong to exclude you based on his son. His child needs to respect you, you are a part of the film and it doeant matter long little or long you have lived together. If his child gets what he wants here, he will always get what he wants
Oooorrr... compassion. Wonderful thing.
You don't have your own NYE traditions with your own kids? They might appreciate having you all to themselves too.
This was me when I was younger. I missed having mum, sister and I time. I love my stepdad and step brother and enjoyed time together as a family but there were times when I wanted to just hang with my Mum like we use to. Now I have my own children and still with their Dad, we do things with just one parent and the kids (or one on one with the kids and parent), it’s a special day ‘dad day’ or ‘mum day’ and as they get older I can picture it being trips with just dad or just mum as well as family trips.
It’s an adjustment going from just one parent to a step parent and step siblings. Foster that relationship, let them have that time, as you should also have that time with your children.
I’m not in a step family situation, but is it possible for you to talk to your step son about why he doesn’t want you there. Just privately between you and him, perhaps he is feeling overwhelmed with the new family dynamics. Let him know you hear him, he might miss time with his Dad and brothers and sisters. perhaps you could suggest you go for half the trip then come home with your kids so he can enjoy time with his Dad?