Have been with my partner 4 years he has 3 kids, one lives with us fulltime, for the past 3 months we have had his youngest 50/50 week on week off, my partner works 14 hour days during this time of year and I work fulltime as well. Ex works a couple of days a week.. just wanting advise the court ordered agreement is my partner has his 2 other kids that don’t live with us one day one week and every other weekend, so I asked her the other day if we could go back to this as partner not home and I have kids of my own to look after but she refused to listen, she just doesn’t pick them up from school and dumps their bags on the front porch, she has been very hostile over all the years and is quite reliant on drugs, her partner drinks a lot and doesn’t like kids, do I just suck it up and look after them myself or do I keep trying to get her to understand that they don’t come to see me they come to see there Dad and he’s not here at all?? I already look after one of the kids fulltime..They are great kids I just think they need there mum when dads not around? And partner is still paying full child support for what the court order arrangement is?
30 Replies
I completely agree with you. I can't imagine how frustrating that is. She's treating you like you're a free nanny. If the agreement is that, then stick to it. The child's father isn't even there, nor is it in the custody arrangement.
Let alone child support should be reevaluated if the kid is going to be in your primary care. Unfortunately so many women see that money as their spending money and forget that it's for their kids and to help with raising them.
I do not see anything wrong with feeling that way. The kids should be with their parents. She's not entitled to drop off the kids whenever she feels like.
If it was me, I would prefer to have them with me than in the enviroment you described.
Under normal circumstances I’d agree with you 100%.
Unfortunately mum is a dead beat so they are better off with you.
Unfortunately you won’t get her to change.
Poor kids. Its not like he works away he's home every night. Surely you can look after the kids that were part of the package from the get go. Ring child support and change the assessment so he pays less. It's really sad when kids aren't wanted in either home. If the workload is too much this is something you need to workout with your partner, not fix by having the kids less.
It's not your job, dad needs to organise care. Otherwise he needs to go back to court.
So she's a drug addict and you're annoyed she isnt having the kids more?
It's not the step mums burden either is it? Blame the junkie mum for being a shit parent. The nerve of you!!
The nerve of me? She is just as responsible for the health and well-being of those kids as their bio parents. That's why step parents can be charged if they do nothing when they know the kids are being abused! Really not the right time to play the "not my kids" game, don't marry someone with kids that attitude is just pathetic.
Wtf. So you just described a pretty bad home life for these kids, and you don't want anything to change with care because you're not their parent? If you really can't look after your own step kids so they have a better life maybe you should leave. Imagine if it was your kids in that environment for majority of the time and your husband said he's not having them any more than what a stupid piece of paper says? Maybe when these kids get to adulthood and ask why you both didn't get them out of there you can tell them it's because they aren't your kids so you didn't want to look after them. Seriously why do people marry people with kids and then do this? Really don't get it! You should be able to have any of your step children full time at any time, anything can happen.
I get that a lot of this seems to be unfairly falling on your shoulders but those kids spending more time with a drug dependent mother and a kid hating alco boyfriend is not the solution!
The kids need to be in that environment like they need a hole in the head...
Your partner has to take action and seek legal advice, mum is in no position to be the primary carer for those children. If that means picking up a bit of slack to keep those kids safe, then that's just how the cookie crumbles.
How old are the kids?
Not one adult in these kid’s life has their back.
This makes me so sad.
I soooo hope you don’t have these conversations with the mother in the kids presence.
Imagine growing up with both households not wanting you, fighting over who has to have you.
One side is a resentful step mother, the other, druggie mother and horrible boyfriend.
The father is a POS for exposing the kids to both sides.
She doesn't sound resentful at all. She sounds frustrated. At the end of the day those kids are not her full responsibility. It should be a shared effort. You call the father a POS but what about the MOTHER of the children not giving a damn about her own flesh and blood??? Where is your anger with that?
The anger is about this poster knowing that the kids home is abusive and neglectful. Did you see what happened to the little boy in the UK recently? Absolutely disgusting, if you know that a child is not in a good home and you have the opportunity to take them out of there you do it! Not whinge that it's not your kid!
Yes, and I get that. However, she's allowed to feel like it's not a fair situation. There's millions of parents that have plenty of room in their homes and the financial means to adopt a child from the foster care system, knowing that those kids are living awful lives, yet where's the same anger towards them? At the end of the day the mother of the children should be the one taking care of them, along with the father. It shouldn't be something you just put on someone else.
To me, when you ignore evil, look the other way, let it happen, then you’re just as bad as the perpetrator.
This post is absolutely resentful. It's also selfish, heartless and as far as I'm concerned, abusive
People with room to house foster kids did not get together and build a life with a person that has children, then step away from that responsibility when it gets too hard. Parents and kids are a package deal, your point makes absolutely no sense and is irrelevant to this situation.
I agree with others here. But I don't think they should be so harsh. I don't think it should all fall on you.
But as a family, if his kids need your home because as you're saying their mums place is so unsuitable, then your home should be open. Then, as a partnership, you need to work out the practical care. It's ok for you to say you can't do it all. Work something else out.
I sympathise with you.
No matter what you do, someone will rip you apart.
Please know it’s hard raising someone else children when it’s a thankless job that doesn’t even pay. Totally understand where your coming from.
However, your right - the children should have their mum. Unfortunately Mum is unavailable. So now the choice is either you stand up snd speak up to your partner, or nothing will change.
He either A. Needs to change work hours B. Hire a nanny so you actually buy your time back C. Talk to the mother and come to a solution that’s safe for everyone.
And option D. Walk away, it’s not ideal, but sometimes in life you have to put yourself first.
So your partner has to have your kids there ALL the time.. But HIS are not welcome? Also you really want a drug addict and alcoholic to look after HIS kids? I would be fighting to have the kids FULL TIME. no child deserves a shit household. I would be so worried about serious abuse happening in that household. Also couldn't you/your partner put the kids in daycare since you work full time as well?
She's the one taking care of HIS kids. Her problem isn't them being there alone, she's frustrated that's she's the one watching them and caring for them.
She should leave then. I bet she doesn't say no to him paying for and supporting her kids!
Why does she need to leave? At this point sounds like the stepmom is the best bet for the kids. Sounds like she's truly the main parent here and the real caretaker. Instead of encouraging her in a situation that is clearly unfair, you guys are just coming for her. Why not see who the real failure is here (the mother of the kids).
That's the point, the mother IS failing! The OP knows it, that's what makes it frustrating. She is not putting the kids first and neither is her partner. You would think the first option would be him finding family friendly hours if the OP can't handle it, not sending them back to that environment.
Issue is.. Her wanting her partners kids to stay with their mum who is a drug addict and has a kid hating alco boyfriend!! What a life for kids!
I don’t think she’s the main caregiver, they both work full time, the kids are in school, they aren’t toddlers and she’s a SAHM. What does she mean her partner isn’t here at all, he doesn’t work away does he? What I can’t fathom is the fact that she was so blasé to ask the mother to change the custody agreement. I mean what did the father say? Imagine if your partner spoke to your ex and reduced your custody, I would literally throw them out on their ear, never to be seen again. What kind of father is he? They both sound like a pair of apathetic a holes. They deserve each other,
I would just suck it up. You are the best Parent these kids have. And you are doing a great job. Being a step parent is hard.
How old are the kids? Do they want to stay with you more?
I would be getting your partner to go back to court or mediation and have the child support payments changed. If you are having them more, then that money should be staying in your household not hers.
Please don't give up on these children, you may not be their Bio parent but you are the best and most responsible parent they have
Your partner needs to get the child support re assessed, so he isn't paying the ex to get whacked. I totally appreciate you not really wanting to raise these kids but you partnered a dude who has kids, and sounds like your place is safe and hers isn't. So take time to build a relationship with these kids they need people who love and want them, not shitty adults who find them inconvenient . If this isn't w hat you want then leave this poor messed up group of people alone, kids know when they are not wanted and this will set them up for life long issues .
These kids need help and you either help or leave.
You don’t mention if you have kids or kids with your partner.