How do you really know when to leave a marriage?
Background: 23yrs married, 3 great kids, one finished school, one in high school, one primary. Miserable for past few years and no longer feel connected to my husband. We had counseling last year but it went around in circles with no real outcome.
Issue: we are not at each other’s throats and life is quite civil, there’s no DV, but my heart is just not in it and it’s more of a house mate relationship. Do I just keep going? How do people know when it’s really time to go? How do you even start with managing finances? I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 and don’t know life any different.
Do I upset a whole lotta’ people and uproot everything or is it not worth it? I feel like I’m wasting my life and everything is standing still. I constantly daydream of my own place and how I would make it work as a single parent.
Would really welcome some advice, I cry all the time and just keep a brave face.
5 Replies
Hi, I don't have much advice to give unfortunately. However, I just wanted to say I hear you, I feel for you and that I'm so sorry you're going through that. I know that feeling of desperation, wanting out, fear of how you'll make it without that person, and the daydreaming. It is all so awful.
I do say this, you are still young. You still have time. You still have the opportunity. Will it be rough? Yes! But you will make it through. It's already rough as is, so honestly getting out will at least give you a good chance of making a better situation for yourself. Plus dating is a lot easier these days, so don't let people get you thinking you'll die alone if you leave. 41 is YOUNG. You have time to be your own person and eventually meeting someone better for you.
Before all of that maybe have a talk with your husband. See if there's a chance, and if he's willing to work on things, let him know your seriousness. I think that would make it fair.
Anyways, girl I really hope things get better soon. I wish I could give you a big hug! (:
Thank you for articulating this. I feel exactly the same and have the same questions.
I feel I am in a similar boat as you, though I’m coming up to 18yrs in the relationship. Not married, I have one child just finished high school and one child in yr 1.
My partner is bio dad to the 2nd child, but been step dad to my daughter since she was 6months old.
I’ve seen their relationship deteriorate as she has gotten older. He just doesn’t relate to her like he used to. He constantly tried to put an old head on young shoulders by telling her what she should do - I get it’s to prevent the same mistakes, but she needs to learn too!
I’ve tried talking to him, he just can’t get past himself, I’m the one that has to fix the relationship, everything is my fault. If I want date nights - I need to organise it, he can not and has never used any sort of initiative himself - he is set in his ways and is most likely on the spectrum.
I’ve pulled back from intimacy and barely touch. We both admit we’re like roommates - this is made easier for the fact I’ve rarely shared a bed with him since the birth of our son 7yrs ago. When I have, he complained of snoring or “barely getting any sleep”.. our son slept in 40 minute cycles from age 4months to 6yrs old. I’ve barely had any sleep!
There’s qualities to his personality I just don’t like anymore. It gets harder and harder to bite my lip.
I’ve grown as a person and he refuses to grow - not just for himself but for his family.
I want to leave but I’m not financially in a position to. He’ll always use the “I can’t learn excuse”.. it’s true he may have dyslexia, but quite literally it’s my job to support students who have learning difficulties- biggest difference is the students actually give it a go!
I have a good paying job, but it’s school term based. How do I pay rent and survive through Xmas holidays? 6weeks with no pay.
He has also said he stays for the “kids”… but to be fair when it comes to his son - he’s not that great of a father. He refuses to acknowledge or learn about strategies to help his son through ASD struggles.
I understand everything I am saying is a lot of doom and gloom.. many would have run by now, but I have my faults too, lot of health issues and PTSD - so Ive stayed for the kids.
I’m keen to hear if you did get the guts to go.. or if you have chosen to put the kids first - because I know that’s why you would be staying.
I’m sorry I don’t have anything helpful to say, I wish I did, just take comfort in knowing if you have chosen to stay - you’re not alone.. if anything, sharing my experience might help You see qualities that are still there in your man? 🤷♀️
Does he help With the kids? With the house chores - inside and out? Pay the bills?
Has he organised something (even on a handful of occasions) a present for you from himself and the kids? Has he taken photos of you with the kids?
If you have answered yes to even one - your man is still better than mine..
one day I’ll Leave, just not sure when ..
I am in exactly the same situation.
It’s hard and confusing and I’m filled with guilt and the thought of breaking my kids hearts is… ugh… I can’t
But… I know he is not what I want… we are not working…
Like you… we are housemates (when he’s not away working)
What really upsets me is that the relationship example that I’m giving my kids is not a good one.
This was me a couple of years back (23 years together, 3 kids - two older one younger). I told my husband I didn't love him. He suggested counselling, I refused.
Turns out I wasn't fulfilled within myself - I had lost myself to being a wife, mother, homemaker, and was in a job that didn't challenge my brain with colleagues who were small minded. I spent 6-7 months trying to work out what I wanted to do for myself, leave my marriage, leave my job, study something new, learn something new. Eventually I changed my job from one where I was just a placeholder to one where I am challenged and am growing. My happiness and the feelings for my husband are back on track.
From my experience my advice would be don't throw it away just yet, look and see if it isn't your marriage/relationship that is the problem but your own self worth and happiness.