I’m a mother of 3 to my ex, step mum to my partners 2 primary school aged boys and we share a daughter together. I had a good relationship with my step kids mum until a few years ago when covid hit and she started asking my partner about his finances like “have you put your car payments on hold” and “you should call the bank and get your credit cards on hold” and even so far as asking about super payments, rent etc. the first 2 times it happened I asked my partner to thank her for her concern but to reassure her we had it covered. By the 3rd time I was fed up (6 weeks post partum) so I sent her a text thanking her for her advice and concern but letting her know that I get like conversations/questions regarding our personal finances was crossing a boundary and something I wasn’t comfortable with. I thanked her for her concern and acknowledged she was coming from a good place but thought it was not a conversation she should be having with my partner.
Since then she has hated me. My partner has received messages insulting me, I have received messages from her swearing at me because I was late picking the kids up from school (I work full time and at that time was doing 2 pick ups and drop offs 45 mins apart plus a 1 year old) I have never responded to anything as I know it’s a lose/lose either way.
Recently there have been a few issues at school with the boys and I’m not included in the conversations or issues. The younger one is also going through a bit of a phase and is funny at swap overs when she is there but is fine once he is in the car. Because of this she has asked that she, my partner and their 2 kids together go and spend some time together at the park and just talk over things with the boys and make sure they are ok. This seems strange to me as she has said “we need to spend some time together and chat about things just the 4 of us” her, my partner and their 2 kids. From my perspective, they are no longer a family unit so the respective partners should either be included or we deal with any issues in our own households?
Help, I don’t know how to feel and 4 years in I’m beginning to really struggle to find answers. It’s never ending, she always needs these “face to face” discussions. If just seems odd to me as someone who has a very good relationship with my kids dad that never requires In person meetings.
18 Replies
You’ve got to let your partner handle his ex. It’s his job to set the boundaries. If he isn’t setting appropriate boundaries you have that conversation with him.
As to a meeting in the park, it’s perfectly reasonable. It’s good co-parenting, you don’t need to be there for that. Just like you won’t always be involved in mediation etc.
You can be friendly and polite towards his ex but you ‘putting her in her place’ was always going to strain things further and cause push back.
If you don’t trust the way he is handling the ex, then that’s a problem you have with him.
You can't have it both ways. You can't say stay out of our business, then expect to be part of theirs. It would be up to your partner to keep you in the loop, not her. I have a partner and we each have kids to our exes. My ex is no longer in the picture but his ex is and they work together as far as behaviour, school, medical goes. You just have to learn where the line is just like you expect from her.
Yeah you have to choose your battles. She can ask - she probably knows him well in regard to financial matters, and shes invested because what he does directly affects her kids... And then her.
He doesn't have to answer. He can tell her he's got it all under control. During covid I think is an exception where telling each financial things that were available to cover yourself was really helpful.
So I think you overstepped there. Maybe apologise. Because you both need to put the pettiness behind you and move forward to coparent.
I'd say he should go for a meeting, and he should tell her this rift is really affecting the kids. And he expects her to get over shit to get on and also the same of you, and you apologise to get the ball rolling and you all move on.
It’s not up to you to tell her what she can say to her ex, it’s up to your partner if he finds it inappropriate. They are co parents and should be able to meet with the kids, without step parents. It’s not like they’re going on a date alone together, they’re at the park with their kids. It’s a shame you had a go at her, sounds like things were good until then. Next time leave those convos for your partner.
There were so many changes at that time with everything, she probably thought she was being helpful by relaying the info.
Honestly, at the start of covid, lots of people were having those conversations. They were scared and it seems sensible to want your child's other parent to be protected. I think you probably came across as hostile and aggressive, even if that wasn't your intention. Regardless, you drew a line in the sand.
I also think it's wonderful that she is open to meeting with her ex to make sure her kids are secure and happy if they're struggling. It makes sense for them to do that without step parents involved. A) for the kids and B) because you have clearly drawn a line in the sand and this is their matter, not yours. That said, it would be fair for your husband to keep you informed.
NB... I say this as a child if divorce with 2 step parents I love. I'm not divorced and have I step parents to my own children. So I'm not anti step mum
I personally think if you & your partner are married & have been together for a reasonable time, then no, you're not in the wrong. However, I would personally have my SO relay the message, rather than confront her yourself. She doesn't sound reasonable or very socially intelligent. i also would 100% not be ok with them going to the park alone. If you're the kid's full on stepmom then you should have the same respect as a bio parent. The kids would benefit way more seeing the 3 of you interact in a good way then just the two. It would create a much more secure situation knowing all their parents are good. If she is so worried then she should put her pride aside and be trying to create a healthy dynamic with you as well. You should really consider having a huge talk with your partner and have him lay down the law with her. He should be putting your needs and feelings before hers.
That's so wrong. It's not about putting wife number 2 above wife number 1. It's about putting the kids first and that's what seems to be happening here. How can you expect children to be more mature and have more insight and resilience than the adults involved? That's not realistic
it's not Wife #1 and Wife #2... it's EX wife and Wife. He should 100% respect how his wife feels. If he's just doing whatever making her feel disrespected, then the daughter they have together could be in the same dysfunctional family situation too. If the mother was putting the kids first, then why make it awkward over a simple ask to keep out of their personal business. She created a weird family dynamic over something so small. I would simply move on and put differences aside for the children.
It wasn't a simple ask. It was an out of the blue aggressive move to someone who was having the same conversation half the country was at the time. Honestly, I had people behind me in checkouts asking those questions and giving advice. The request to spend some time together to support their kid is a simple request. Seriously, what do you think is going to actually happen?
You have a point and I do see what you mean. However, I would say they're both in the wrong. To say the mom of the children is acting right, is not true or fair. She is the mother and should be trying to create a healthy coparenting dynamic more than anyone. As a bm myself I would simply suck it up, and try to mend things with the stepmom. I also just think it's disrespectful to not include the stepparent especially since she is clearly very prevalent in the kid's lives. I do feel like the mother hasn't proven to have boundaries (talking bad about the stepmom to her ex husband) so I would be uncomfortable too. I wouldn't necessarily worry they would get back together/cheat but I would fear she could be planting seeds in my husband.
How does mum sound unreasonable and dumb? She's sounds like a loving mum trying to do what is right for her kids.
She should stop putting her personal feelings about their stepmom first. She should be trying to create a healthy family unit and coparenting relationship. It was wrong for her to be getting in their business and it was fair for the wife to be annoyed by it. She should've taken it as a "let bygone's be bygones" and moved on when confronted. It was weird that she thought it was any of her business to be talking to her EX husband about those matters. Boundaries need to be made. They should be doing what's best for the kids and that would be a happy healthy family dynamic
You created conflict. She may have overstepped but she didn’t in a malice way. You were passive aggressive in your text to her. You poked the bear. Actions have consequences.
You come across very insecure. I think it’s commendable that they are able to spend time with the kids in a park. Being able to amicably coparent will only lead to well adjusted children/adults.
I would be annoyed if you were late to pick my kids up too.. I’d be annoyed if my husband or mum was too..
You want to be included. But you also want to exclude your step children’s mother. Not how adulting works.
Your making this into a jealousy issue rather than a parenting issue.
How is the mother not immature for talking bad about the stepmom to HER HUSBAND???? She should have understood and moved on upon being confronted. Trying to make the kid's stepmom's life miserable is not the mature or adult way to handle it either. Causes a toxic environment and the kids will sense the tension. The mother should be trying to work and coparent with the stepmom too.
Unfortunately, when you have kids with someone you're no longer with, you don't get to be in control of every aspect of your child's life. The stepmom is human, and just as many other moms can be late.
Oooohhh... I get it now. Person A was mean. Person B called her mean. Person A says... Hey, that's not nice. Person B is the bad guy.
What logic.
It's not about who is the "bad guy" or in the "right" here. It's about what's best for the kids. Having a toxic coparenting relationship is not what's best for them... Venting about her, to her ex husband (as their ex wife) is inappropriate on all levels. I can see that SM probably said it out of some insecurity & jealousy, and I do believe she should've at the least had her husband relay the message.
However, as a mother I don't believe being vengeful and adverse is the right way to go about it. The tension could be part of the reason why the child is feeling unstable.
OTT