When do you know you've fallen out of love? I've been married for a long time and while I love my husband, I'm not sure I'm in love anymore.
He's lazy, refuses to help around the house unless nagged despite both of us working. I hold 100% of the mental load of our family, I do and am responsible for everything. He's selfish and always puts himself first. He spends money constantly and then hides it. He's very high maintenance and has very high standards of me. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me. I've talked and talked to him about these issues for years, he promises to change then a week later max its back to the same thing. If I get cranky then I'm a "nag", which I know is just gaslighting. I'm just over all of it.
Am I just going through a phase or am I falling out of love? For those that have lost love for former partners, how did it feel and how did you know? I want to stay married but am uncertain what to do.
4 Replies
I personally think loving someone and being 'in love' is a normal up and down if a marriage.
No wonder you feel this way!! He’s making you be his mum and still expects to be a husband?
He’s using incompetence to destroy you bit by bit so you’re so worn down and frustrated by it all while he continues this selfish behaviour.
I would say counselling together and separate would be great- if he will go.
You are worth so much and carrying the mental load completely alone is extremely draining on its own.. not to mention all the other things you have to deal with.
Please look into weaponised incompetence- that’s what he’s doing to you. You can run this ship without him a million times easier so he needs to step up or piss off! Xx
Ps- I don’t think this is falling out of love I think it’s reaching the end of your tether. You cannot love or be attracted to someone you have to mother. He’s doing this to you and to your marriage
My other half has moments of this, i have seen the term weaponising uselessness i think i it was. Basically won't do anything, howe is critical of how a task is done. I am fiercely independent and often wonder if I would be better off in my own. We both work, I do everything for our 3 kids, and the traffic controller for thr home and he "just works" the spending thi g is a bit of a drama too, mine doesn't hid it but isn't financially smart or think saving or paying off debt early is a good idea. I am don't think where I am is a deal breaker just yet That said i have my ducks in a row if it ever goes wrong. Set up seperate money, The way we keep most of this in check is my OH pays thr mortgage and his car, running costs, and I run thr house (they work out similar) so he doesn't have to plan which he sucks at. I run thr rest as i please. I also have a run fund that he doesn't know about.
If you can afford to get him to pay for a cleaner, then it's one less then for you, he can't spend on shit and removes one of thr issues. I also totally believe you need to set your self up. If you don't enjoy his company and the money, house work is the icing on the cake. Go, you only get one life so no point being sad
I am struggling with this too.
It’s been many years since I was in love with my husband and I tried so hard to feel what I thought I should feel.
He works away and I struggle when he comes home for a week.
We are such different people and have nothing in common apart from our kids.
When he is here it’s like housemates (on my side)
I don’t want any intimacy from him at all and it’s been that way for years.
I finally told him this year how I feel.
He wants to keep going but I know it’s not fair on either of us.
I don’t want to break my kids hearts so keeping it together for them but I know a decision will need to be made.
My Mum went through the same thing and I wish I could talk to her now and tell her I understand what she went through.