If I go to this event I wont know anyone else there apart from the bride. The others know another. I dont feel like sharing accommodation and bedrooms with people I dont know. I think its excessive to have a whole weekend away as well. There is also so many "activities" to pay for as well as accommodation and food costs. I have a family of my own and for price of this weekend we could have a family getaway! What happened to a hens night, not a destination weekend away! I feel like I would be overwhelmed socially, having to be around so many strangers so closely for 2 nights and 3 days! It is not even a close group friends, like a girls weekend. I feel like its forced fun!
(The bride is not involved in the planning of this. So I am not sure even if she would be comfortable). Am I being unreasonable? And how would I tell the bride I am not going! Or do I suffer through this event because its "her day".
Is it ok if I dont go to the Hens Weekend if I am a bridesmaid
Is it ok if I dont go to the Hens Weekend if I am a bridesmaid
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Self Care
16 Replies
The thing is that when you start speaking logic, you sound like a Debbie Downer. So don't say all those perfectly senseful things, just say it's too much for you with your kids or budget etc. BUT you wouldn't miss this for the world so you'll go for ____ and name which part you'll be there for. Then be the first to heart AND gif comment love on every single photo they share and you won't fall out with anyone.
This is good unless you're in a better financial position to others... Or could be perceived to be. You could use the same approach but use family commitments as a mum? Or can't get leave approved by work? Anything that doesn't look like it's your choice
(I'm not the OP) I tried this approch once for a very similar event, super enthusiastic but blamed my inability to attend on my budget.
To my absolute horror, all the other attendees and the organiser of the event all started offering to chip in some money so I could come. They absolutely refused to take no for an answer, I couldn't say no without looking like an asshole at that point. What a nightmare 😂😂
I tend to try honesty these days or at least some bullshit that covers all my bases haha.
Haha horrifying outcome. Yes maybe a more solid excuse, blame husband or a work function or pre-booked family event on one of the days.
Totally ok but as the other person said don’t give all the reasons. It’s too expensive and you can’t be away from your kids that long is reason enough.
I agree, the hens/Batchelor ‘night’ as gotten out of hand.
People do what suits them. IMO out of hand is when the party is getting arrested 🤣.
I would love it. I have had to do many things with people I don't know though so maybe I'm used to being out of my comfort zone, it usually only feels awkward for a little while until you find at least one person you get on with. You already know the bride. I don't see the harm in it but if you can't go, you can't go, just say that.
But that's you. Personally, I'd love it too generally. But if my anxiety is exacerbated it would be so overwhelming I wouldn't end up going at all. My husband on the other hand just isn't an extrovert. He'd struggle to be in a forced social situation for a night, let alone a weekend. He;d cope, but he'd be bored and wanting to be anywhere but there.
That's the thing, I'm not an extrovert at all and have always had anxiety. I'm also very lonely and only have a few friends. I've always pushed myself to do this, my job sends me on development weekends a few times a year where we stay with people we don't know and have to do things with people we don't know. We don't have to go but I choose to. It gives me anxiety to start with but by the end of it, it has always been a great time. I don't think being an introvert or having anxiety means everyone should just stay locked up forever, I always try and push past it to try new things.
And that's fine if it works for you. But some people just don't want to spend a huge amount of money on something they won't enjoy to 'prove' their friendship. Their primary loyalty should be with their own husband and when the weekend away costs as much as a family getaway it's extravagant and a sacrifice by the husband and kids. The OP needs a way to politely decline something so expensive without having her love for the bride called into question
I get the financial side and family commitments but OP's main concern seems to be she doesn't know these ladies, I'm just saying if we all didn't go places because we don't know people then nobody would be living their lives, would they? We all have to go out of our comfort zones at some point.
You're completely ignoring what she's saying though. She's saying she won't enjoy it. Doing something slightly outside of your comfort zone and finding you enjoy it in the end is different from someone having the insight to know it isn't good for them.
She doesn't want to go. For a lot of really reasonable reasons. If you don't have advice on how she can gracefully bow out, don't respond.
Did you even read all of my original reply?I said if she can't go, she can't go, just say that. Say the truth. You're the one that's argued with my reply, if you don't like it, scroll on.
I’ve been in this exact situation and in the end I made the decision not to go. I can become quite anxious in new situations and around people I don’t know…and pole dancing was on the agenda which is something that I would never feel comfortable in doing!!!!! I agree with just giving one reasonable excuse…not overdoing it with a list of reasons why. My daughter was quite sick in the lead up so this was the reason I gave. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to handle the situation and even though I felt bad for not being there to celebrate with my friend it was the right call. We still went on to enjoy the wedding and are still the best of friends now.
As a socially awkward introvert, the thought of spending an entire weekend away and doing activities with women I don't know quite literally sends shivers down my spine lol.
I agree, whatever happened to a normal hens night? Food, drinks, a bit of smutty fun, then you can dip when you've had enough. A whole weekend of celebration seems kind of ostentatious to me and it's a big financial commitment which I think is also inconsiderate.
I'd probably just say "Unfortunately I'm not the position to go away for the weekend at the moment, I'm sorry I won't be able to make it but I hope you all have a wonderful time".
Are they staying close enough that you can join in some without committing to all?
For example, "I've got so much going on right now but I don't want to miss out. I can make the river lunch cruise and will meet you at the marina at about 10, and can hang out until 6 but will have to head home then." Even if they're drinking, just take some ingredients for mocktails so you can join in but still drive home.
Or if they're going to dinner and a stripper one night, meet them for dinner and go to the stripper then get a family member to pick you up afterwards.