Hi IM's wanting some advice and support here. Do you think its possible to rebuild trust and a relationship after one partner has cheated? My heart is still in my marriage but im worried how i get past the betrayal and how i get myself back. I do love him and i do want it to work but im so so scared. Any helpful advice qould be greatly appreciated. I know a lot will say once a cheater always a cheater and that i should leave and am stupid for staying. But what im after is some hope and words of wisdom from anyone who has been through this or similar.
13 Replies
Get some marriage counselling, that would be the best step forward and take it day by day. For me, I couldn’t forget it and moved on when my partner cheated. Yes they can change but it’s the innocent ones that live with the heartbreak inside and never forget. It’s us innocent ones who lay awake at night thinking about it. It’s a hard thing for forgive and forget but if you think you can. Then marriage counselling is best for you. Remember none of it was your fault. There is no excuses and you are not to blame.
Yes, you definitely can rebuild.
We are stronger than ever and I do get some anxiety and stress sometimes when he goes out, however I am upfront about how I feel and he is reassuring. On his own will he will text/call me on boys nights out and update me on all movements/where they are going.. whether there's girls there (with single friends) or strippers etc. and will ask if that makes me uncomfortable and whether he should come home.
Mostly though he will invite me out or ask his male friends to bring their partners too so that we can all be there together as he knows that helps the anxious feelings :)
Communication has been our biggest turning point!
I totally agree. We have worked hard to build our marriage. He especially has shown me that he is willing to listen to me and my needs. He has shown tremendous change even when it wasn't easy. We do more together now than we ever did and while there are situations that sometimes make me feel anxious he is there to reassure me and is happy to not put himself in places that I don't feel comfortable.
I believe that taking responsibility for one's actions and truly trying to be better every day is a big first step. We have had many hard conversations, and continue to grow stronger every day.
The decision to stay was not easy but worth the fight. We are feeling more love for each other than we ever felt before.
It can be possible but you both have to fight for what you want.
I totally agree. We have worked hard to build our marriage. He especially has shown me that he is willing to listen to me and my needs. He has shown tremendous change even when it wasn't easy. We do more together now than we ever did and while there are situations that sometimes make me feel anxious he is there to reassure me and is happy to not put himself in places that I don't feel comfortable.
I believe that taking responsibility for one's actions and truly trying to be better every day is a big first step. We have had many hard conversations, and continue to grow stronger every day.
The decision to stay was not easy but worth the fight. We are feeling more love for each other than we ever felt before.
It can be possible but you both have to fight for what you want.
What advice would you give a friend or your daughter?
Do what feels right. You'll know in time if it's the right or wrong decision. Only make big decisions in the real direction, for or against, when you are ready to.
It depends on what you mean on rebuild.
Will it ever be exactly the same? No
Will it be healthy? If you both do a lot of work, the cheater needs to prove that they deserve your trust, and change there behaviour etc, avoid situations that are high risk, be an open book etc.
In my experience he wasn’t prepared to change anything and I was expected to ‘just get over it’. It doesn’t work that way, it takes time, effort and counselling.
I do know a couple who have come out the other side, but I think they are in the minority.
It depends, did you have a solid relationship that dwindled or did you marry a dog and just found out.
The problem is, you want to fix it so bad' you really want to believe its a, when it's most likely b, and if it is b, you're just wasting your time, putting yourself through enormous pain to have it happen again, and drawing it out for your kids and life and everything.
Everyone is so different in how they handle cheating. I just couldn’t go on, in a marriage even wanting to fix something after such a betrayal. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t never stop thinking of him with her and I would torture myself for life. While he would be free of it. I know people who have got through it and come out better than before but how would they ever really trust again. I hope you can get through it together if that’s what you want. If you do; you need to let go of it all so you don’t torture yourself over it. I left and felt better than ever once I did. I realised I was never that happy.
My Partner cheated when I was pregnant which was now 6 years ago. Now that I am here, (and not at the point when I found out) I can see that him cheating was good for our relationship. After the initial anger and frustrations settled which took about 2 years. I was then able to express my feelings, my concerns, I was able to get counselling and dig deep within myself, my own feelings and what I wanted for my future. We both grew as a couple afterwards. It's not an easy road. It's hard, it's stressful and there always remains some self doubt and resistance. I'm able to self reflect when I am in that moment though and show it in a loving way rather than anger. So, I will seek more attention. I will physically say to him, I need, a cuddle, a date night, just to stare at him for a while, initiate sex. Whatever it is for that moment of need. At the start, I was just angry, all the time. Because it happened when I was around 4 months pregnant, extremely sick and unhappy. I didn't find out until 10 days before our baby was born. Highly stressful time.
I think for me too, it's someone he was seeing before me so she was a familiar quickie to him and he also had issues from his previous relationship. So we both had things to work on.
I wish you all the best. Always stay true to yourself no matter how difficult that can be 🥰 I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater. You just have to make sure the cheater can admit the mistake, seek help required (counselling, dealing with the past, anything) and give the right amount of time without being pushy for you to heal.
I highly recommend a therapist that specialises in The Gottman Institute approach.
We seen many counsellors and this has been a game changer.
Good luck.
Xx
If you still love him & can forgive, then work at it. However you need to get YOU back as well. Do you have the energy & time to do both?? I walked away & he didn't cheat - he just thought he was more important than I was. 4 months later & I'm still trying to find Me again. If I hadn't lost myself, maybe it would've been OK. Nobody lives your life or in your marriage. Good Luck with it all ❤
I think you can. I wasnt prepared to throw away 20years of marriage. I think if you can both clean the slate and start fresh, it can still work. You have to build the trust though, just like a new relationship. I have been in this situation recently and everyone told me only you know what is best, i wasnt prepared to walk away, i still loved him so much even though he had hurt me.