I’m currently contemplating what to do with my life as a range of issues have recently come to a head and I hit rock bottom mentally. My husband and I have been together for 20 years and we have kids together. He has an addiction to porn and watches things that are triggering and concerning to me and my past. He has never shown any real support to me when I’ve struggled even when I’ve been so low that I’ve felt suicidal. He simply says he doesn’t understand mental health and goes about his days. He also showed no care at all when I disclosed to him that I’d been sexually abused as a child and never mentioned it again. He was the only one that I had told about this so I feel like this led to more shame and struggles for me. He is very over the top and needy when it comes to affection and sex and is very attention seeking. There have been many instances where I feel he has crossed the line with other women including messaging and going out of his way to help them out although he swears he has never cheated. I really don’t trust him…not just as far as cheating but I don’t trust him to have my back. I recently told him we were over but he insisted he would do whatever it takes to make it work and arranged to see a counsellor. He claims he hasn’t watched porn since then which I find difficult to grasp or believe. How can he do this for 20 years knowing that it hurts me then stop in an instant? We have both been getting professional help but through this I’ve learnt a lot but it hasn’t all been good. I’ve learnt that my husband has alot of controlling and manipulative behaviours and that I’ve been experiencing emotion abuse from him over an extended period of time. I feel stupid for needing someone else to point his out to me and for putting up with it for so long. I am now becoming a much more confident person and I am learning to stand my ground and make my own decisions. I am making steps to make friends and socialise which is something he has discouraged and am working on self care to rebuild myself. He has admitted in counselling that he does try to control me and says he wants to change but I still see those traits in him. I guess I’m wondering how many chances or how much time do you give someone to change…are they even capable of change. I’m scared of being alone as he is all I’ve ever known but I’m also scared of staying as I’m starting to see how much more life there is out there to be lived. I want to discover who I am and what I like…I entered this relationship as a young teenager and am now questioning everything. All in all I never want to feel like my life is not worth living again!!!! Thanks for reading…this isn’t the whole story but I hope it still makes some sense.
How do you know you’re ready to leave?
How do you know you’re ready to leave?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
2 Replies
It makes a lot of sense. Personally I hope you leave him. I think too much trauma has been caused and once you see it, it’s hard to feel safe with someone who has traumatised you.
Plus even if he genuinely wants to change he’s practiced this relationship dynamic with you for a long time, they are hard patterns right break. Many people improve temporarily when they feel like they’ve lost control, when they get you re-engaged they revert backwards, so be careful.,
Being single can be hard, but it can also be so liberating and it sounds like you are starting to learn how to be a person in your own right, and live fully without him casting a shadow over your life.
Only you can decide when you are ready to leave. But I’d probably start working on my plan, wether that’s short or long term.
Go you for being brave and standing up for yourself. You are on the right path to leaving. You just have to trust in yourself that you can do this alone because you will and you can. You will find after the initial break , you will love living alone and being free. The hardest part is taking that step to make the break. You can do it, you are already on your way. Keep going and don’t look back.