My husband has recently had an affair.
I've chosen to stay, leaving isn't always the best option & in our case it's not a choice I'm prepared to make.
Has anyone else been able to survive this in their marriage & quietened their own anxiety & panic surrounding the issue? At the moment I've just turned into a controlling, crying mess!
33 Replies
No, it will be like this until you take charge and leave or just accept it and know that it will probably happen again.
Go to a psychologist.
I stayed and I said it would make our marriage stronger due to him having to build up so much trust. It didn't. He did it again :( I've left now and am much happier.
I second seeing a psychologist. Also couples counselling to help you both build that bond back. He needs to understand why he did it and make the changes he needs to earn your trust back. I wish you all the best hunni x
My ex cheated for the first time when we had been together a few years, I was pregnant and decided to stay. I stayed for another 10 years and I shouldn't have, I hated him. Every time he tried to be intimate with me I could see him doing that with the other woman and pushed him away. I also hated him for lying and all trust went out the window. I hated him for destroying the person I thought he was, someone that had my back no matter what, someone that wouldn't hurt me no matter what. He also cheated a few more times. So if you can manage to get past all of that bullshit good for you but I couldn't and everyone else I know that tried to make it work after cheating ended up miserable and breaking up anyway.
I stayed, I became an anxious wreck and he cheated again.
If you stay, you are giving him a free pass to do it again because he will. With no consequences history will repeat itself. Put your foot down now or choose the path of an unhappy miserable marriage.
Victim shaming is not a good look people
Wow! I didn't put a back story on this because I didn't think I'd need to in a "supportive" forum.
How disgusting to imply I am a bad mother or a weak woman.
there have absolutely been consequences for his actions. We see a psychologist & there is more to him cheating than he just went & cheated for no reason- I have to own my actions in what happened as well.
To make such harsh, disgusting comments to a woman you don't even know or know the full story is absolutely vile.
I'll never post again.
There are always people who bring their own experiences to the comment section and usually that's a good thing but not always. Ignore unhelpful comments 👍
How do you have to own your actions in what happened as well? He cheated yet you are taking part responsibility? You are seriously battered and just can't see it yet. In time you will .
I know right. She needs to turn this anger towards him. She left out the other part, so what are people expected to reply with. They always ended up blaming themselves in someway and taking responsibility.
Don’t be angry because it’s not what you want to hear. It’s just how most of us would deal with it and speaking from experience. No one is calling you weak or a bad mother. It’s a sad situation for you.
There was someone here explicitly stating that she was to blame and that she was a bad mother and that she was weak which is why he cheated. That person has deleted their comment. The op is not mad at anyone here only that particular person
I did reply to that comment.wondered why I couldn’t see it. I didn’t know you could delete comments.
🙄
Yes, you can delete comments. I'm pretty certain it is the same prolific dirty deleter who constantly gets called on their abusive comments and they delete instead of owning their behaviour, apologising and learning from it
there is plenty of them on here.
I like to think it's one person acting as multiple people cause I don't want to admit that there is that many horrible people on here 😭
Not exactly the same situation as you as it's flipped. But I emotionally cheated on my husband and it wasn't all roses but 3 years on and we are stronger than ever and have been working on it ever since. I had to become completely transparent and lost all privacy for over a year, he still has doubts that I might do it again but it was due to alot of factors on both sides and I wasn't entirely to blame for what happened. It's tough on both parties coming back from this but it can be done. Wishing you all the best x
Oh honey. It’s not your fault, and the fact that you feel you need to take some responsibility for him cheating is heartbreaking. If he is blaming you? You need to leave, because that is emotional abuse and shows he’s not sorry, and will do it again and again and again.
If you're choosing to stay in the relationship the only way to successfully move forward is to get over it basically.
I really don't mean that in an indelicate way, I just mean that you have to actively choose to put the past in the past, you have to actively choose to trust him again, you have to actively choose not to drive yourself insane with paranoia.
I personally don't think I could do that, if my partner had an affair I'd walk out the door with my kids and the clothes on our backs of it really came down to it. I honestly think most relationships wouldn't survive infidelity, at least not long term. I've seen people try and it is a miserable existence, I can't really see any scenario where that's the best option.
No. I tried and I changed. He even saw how much it killed me. One day I caught myself laughing and then stopped. I stared right at him and he said "Why did you stop laughing, I just want to make you smile again and forget..."
He then decided it was best to let me go and be happy. He caused so much pain and heartache. And I was punishing myself for it too.
If you want to stay, get some emotional support.
Nope. Leaving is hard but staying because it seems like the best option on paper definitely doesn't reconcile with feelings.
I'll preface with this - just for complete transparency. If it were me I'd be out so fast that fucker would have wind burn. That's me though and from day one my line has been drawn in the sand and I will not move it.
You're going to give it a go, and kudos to you for facing what will be a battle.
First for you. Get somewhere safe and go off! A bit of release does wonders just for you. Scream into a pillow, or go bush and yell at the open sky. Cry until there's no tears left. Those pent in emotions need an out.
You've seen the recommendations to go get some solo counselling. There's a lot going on and a regular run-of-the-mill life doesn't equip us for this shit. You need those skills, because the natural reaction is to beat yourself up. Don't. Whether you had a part in a disintegrating relationship or not. You didn't cheat and you didn't make him.
Don't disregard the relationship counselling either. Search for one that has experience with cheating and reconciliation. Prioritise it. When he bitches it costs too much and you're both doing fine, ignore him. By seeing a professional he doesn't get to put this on you. They'll see if he's going to do what takes or not. And they'll hold him to account when he doesn't. They will know when you're done.
Good luck mate, you're going to need it but I am sending my best wishes out there in the universe. I hope they find you.
My mother stayed for 65 years. He died this week. She is not having a funeral. The bitterness and resentment was passed down to us and colours how we deal with our own stresses. Be careful what you wish for...
There's a difference between owning your part in the reason he wasn't happy in your relationship and being partly at fault for him cheating. His cheating was 100% his decision to betray your marriage. I think anyone can make a mistake. But I'm not sure this is a mistake I'd be able to forgive even if I tried.
Yes it can work. You need to create a bubble of safety, a safe space to bear all to each other. Where you can confess your deepest thoughts to each other without judgement or consequence. Call it a name - say "I need to talk to you in the bubble" and then be open to each other and lay it all out. For us divorce is not an option. We work this shit out. If something is going on we work on the why.. what was the human thoughts and emotions driving the behaviour. And if something is bothering you - call them out on it straight away.
Nobody is perfect, no relationship is. But if you can commit to each other you CAN get through it.
Esther Perel has some good youtube vids on this too.
I have been here and we have made it out the other side. In my case, he tried to end the affair and so she contacted me. We decided on counselling to see if it was worth saving. 6 months of counselling together and separately and we rebuilt stronger. Yes, there will always be some level of anxiety and distrust but we are very honest with each other and if I am feeling that way I tell him and he does what he can to reassure me. We are 5 years post affair and we are still going strong. We work on our marriage and ourselves and so far, it has worked for us. It might not be for everyone but for us it was about two people who decided not to give up and fight for what we had. Be kind to yourself. Don’t allow guilt or any negative feelings about yourself creep in. Know your worth and be sure of what you want. Take time, it is a process of grieving x
So sorry you are going through this. My husband had an affair 8 years ago. It toook a very long time before I could look at him without seeing them in my mind and even longer before I was able to move past it. It’s definitely not easy but if you can both work on things together including the reasons he had the affair then it can happen. Be kind to yourself though and when you need to vent and go through the stages of grief then do.
I was cheated on by a boyfriend..... So many years ago. And I still have anxiety from it and I've been married for 3 years, together with him for almost 10.
I personally don't think I will ever get over being cheated on. Happened more than once to me, so I think it is always something that will be in the back of my mind and push doubt to the front.
I’m going through the same thing atm. I’m about to have my second visit with psyc services as I’m not coping. My flooding thought and irrational scenarios in my head are eating me alive. I’m just not coping but have chosen to stay. I would love to have someone to chat to if your up for it.
It will happen again and once trust is gone, you don't have a relationship