I’m desperate, please help with my blended family…
For those who have been through it or are going through it, what’s your best advice for getting through all the blended family dramas?
I don’t find the challenges of step parenting too hard, it just takes a bit of compassion but the ongoing, unprovoked “vindictive ex” drama is so challenging.
I’ve tried everything I can with this woman including sitting down to chat with her, being as kind and compassionate as possible, turning the other cheek and now I just stay as far out of everything as possible but still after 5 years she’s relentless in her bitterness.
She’s jealous and spiteful and harasses my stepdaughter to feed back what’s happening in our home whenever her kids are with us.
She puts an unnatural amount of effort into relationships with my in laws and stirs all kind of drama,
She refused to let her youngest son even meet me for 3 years,
she’s made fake Facebook profiles posing as a woman my husband is sleeping with to stir trouble in our relationship,
has told lies about sleeping with my husband when he was with me (I can verify she’s lying),
twisted the truth in every way to alienate her children against us,
She’s jealous of everything we have and acts like her life situation is my husbands responsibility,
I just wish it didn’t get to me, I would love to know how to care less. Please help.
I should also add that they always had and on and off relationship but were separated for 2 solid years before he started dating me.
31 Replies
Sometimes you just have to take the big picture in when you get into a relationship with people. Their inlaws, kids, and kids parents are all part of the package.
Did you husband cheat with you? I think you have done as much as you can. She can’t handle that he is happy and must be very sad deep down. She def needs professional help. Just keep ignoring it and stay far away as possible. If anyone mentions her, stop it in its tracks. Don’t enter into anything with her. Just block any fake profiles don’t even enter into any messages. Block block block. No reaction is the best reaction.
Thanks for your advice.
No he didn’t cheat with me, they had been separated for 2 years but he was still giving her about 80% of his pay check and could only visit his kids at her house, he would go
Most evenings to tuck them into
Bed then back to his house.
He didn’t tell her about me till we had been together for about 3 months as he was fearful she wouldn’t let him see the kids and sure enough once she knew he was seeing someone she moved 2 hours away and would only allow visits with his kids in her home for a few years.
I find it hard to believe a single mum could move 2 hours away due to spite.
We generally don’t have money to burn.
Does she have family support and friends where she moved?
Is it cheaper?
No it was further away from family but cheaper, however, There were cheaper options closer.
Considering all that I’ve explained has happened and my plea for help in dealing with it, why did you choose to respond by questioning a minor detail? I’m just curious?
A lot of your story relies heavily on your partner’s account of things.
Why she moved, money he gave her, obviously saying he didn’t cheat with her, the fact he willingly went to her house every night to tuck kids in, but has a plausible story why, I honestly don’t know any men who would go to an exes place like that etc.
She’s also still hung up on him, after all this time.
Women don’t usually tend to be bitter and hold on this long without some encouragement from the other party.
It doesnt feel like a clean break between them.
I just feel there’s more to the story that you don’t know.
When you have an ex issue, it’s nearly always a partner issue.
Oh and three months is nothing to wait, most would wait longer.
I also wonder why you are even talking to her.
My kids have had a step mum for 13 years and I’ve barely spoken to her, I speak to the ex.
Also, how do you know what she says to her own kids?
I ask my kids what they did at dads, it normal/natural.
Why are you even involved with her?
I bet if I was disrespectful regarding my kids step mum, no doubt my ex would shut it down and put me in my place.
Me and ex are the parents, no need for me to even know step mum, we are literally strangers.
If she asked me to have a coffee/chat with her, I would politely decline, I trust my ex to parent appropriately and would see no need for it.
Talking to a step parent is completely normal. They are loving and co-parenting your child too. There needs to be a level of communication here. I’m shocked that anyone wouldn’t want to know another person who is spending significant time with their child.
Thank you - I completely agree.
My partners ex is still petty and bitter after 20 years. He doesn’t communicate with her at all. She chose long ago to communicate with me predominately but picks and chooses how she treats me on any given day. Some people women/ men aren’t capable of personal growth.
Trusting the other parent.
You don’t get divorced and suddenly not trust the other parent if you trusted them before,
My children are parented by their father, they go to see their dad.
Their dad is always there.
Step mum has never taken on parental role, children are happy with the situation.
It’s been 13 years.
If the ops partner did the parenting and stepped up and shut down the ex when she’s disrespectful, there would be no issues.
If the partner took the time to get proper orders, he could enforce the custody arrangement and not have to kowtow to her.
Again, not an ex problem, a partner problem.
I think he likes the drama and two women wanting him.
The op also sounds a little insecure, with the comments about the in-laws.
Again, she shouldn’t feel like that, partner should put ex in her place.
Op should be protected and not have to deal with any of this.
Take a step back op, it is their job to coparent.
There’s solutions, he could have fixed this, but he’s chosen to let it go on for five years.
It was 3 years not 3 months and I’ve sat down with her to talk about her side of the story - she has acknowledged her irrational behaviour to my face and pretended to move on but ends up all twisted up again.
It was 3 years not 3 months and I’ve sat down with her to talk about her side of the story - she has acknowledged her irrational behaviour to my face and pretended to move on but ends up all twisted up again.
So she’s been like this 5 years, they were separated for two years, so you’ve been together three years?
So you’ve just met her?
Just met the son?
No, Separated for 2 years before I met him. He and I have been together 5 years and I met the son for the first time 2 years ago. He was allowed to spend overnight time with us earlier this year.
why just the son? does he have a diagnosis? she felt he wouldn't cope? think about it, if he really wanted to stay with the others, don't you think he would have asked? if the kid wanted to stay overnight at his dads, he would of. stop repeating the narrative and think for yourself. my daughter doesn't like to stay over peoples houses either, even her dads.
nothing you say makes any sense and as far as the ex is concerned, youve only been around 2 years?
how suss is it that he kept you a secret for 3 years?
So you didnt meet any of the kids for three years?
i find this all so hard to believe, you partner sounds so dodgy and you dont question anything.
take the blinders off and listen to what hes telling you.
you talk like its been going on for years but shes only known your actual existence for 2 measly years.
its still very early days.
You are completely misunderstanding this.
We have been together 5 years
They split up 7 years ago - 2 years before we met.
No diagnosis for the son but the daughter is a teen and has made her own choice to see her dad.
She has known about me for 5 years... within the first few months of our relationship. I can’t believe that I have come to a forum of what’s supposed to be supportive women and I’ve been questioned and ridiculed.
I have for the last 5 years tried all different ways to get along with this woman who has been very difficult. I asked for advice on how to cope with the pain within myself and I get attacked.
She has known about me for 5 years... within the first few months of our relationship. I can’t believe that I have come to a forum of what’s supposed to be supportive women and I’ve been questioned and ridiculed.
I have for the last 5 years tried all different ways to get along with this woman who has been very difficult. I asked for advice on how to cope with the pain within myself and I get attacked.
No diagnosis. The son was young enough to control, the daughter is a teen so made her own choice and her mother couldn’t stop her
Okay, so she’s the devil from hell, your partner is an angel and it’s up to you to insert yourself into their very long relationship history and fix all this.
That’s fine, you’ll be back in five years asking the same questions.
Just trying to get you to see some reason, that maybe there’s some grey in there.
I’m not trying to do that at all! I’m not inserted in it at all
And don’t want to be involved with her. I just wanted help with how
To cope with the constant drama.
I think maybe you have some personal reasons for your response.
I’m not trying to do that at all! I’m not inserted in it at all
And don’t want to be involved with her. I just wanted help with how
To cope with the constant drama.
I think maybe you have some personal reasons for your response.
You literally said, you've tried everything.
What are you trying?
That is inserting yourself, you partner should be trying everything, not you.
I'm not ridiculing you at all, just trying to make you see, this is your partner's problem, not yours.
They have their own past/dynamic.
How do you cope?
You butt out, you leave it to them.
This is not about you, don't let it be.
You support your partner, if he ever needs it, that's your role.
That’s what I’ve done for the last couple of years but she won’t stop.
And I care for her kids a lot these days so I think it is important there are lines of communication.
I swear there's a huge rage from some bio mums on here with a huge prejudice against stepmums.
Every dynamic is different and whatever this chick feels is "hard to believe" really isn't a matter of concern.
I could pick apart the replies with my personal experience and act as if my step/bio dynamic with all my blended family is the only way, too. And it would probably blow her mind 🤣 my ex STAYS THE NIGHT at my house to see our son. Both our partners are cool with it, even when it means we spend the day together alone 🤭 scandalous I know 🤣
Don't fret, OP. You're not "blinded", you're asking input. I have a similar story to yours and I know 110% that the story is true because I've got receipts from both parties haha
The OP was asking for advice and support not judgement and ridicule
Her partner is the problem and the solution.
She’s overly involved.
That’s not judgement or ridicule, that’s my advice to the situation.
Blended families are hard work. I've had a similar experience with my partners ex, she's very bitter and jealous, extremely combative and hard to deal with. I've found that establishing and maintaining boundaries has worked to a degree.
"I'm not going to continue this conversation if it isn't going to be productive"
"I'm trying to think of what is best for the children and if you're going to talk about your personal feelings about things that aren't relevant to this conversation, now is not the time"
"What you're saying isn't true and if we are going to have a conversation, I will only do so if it's honest"
She doesn't think of the kids or how they are affected, but I have to accept that she is a part of my life now. I just maintain my boundaries and don't allow myself to be caught up in the games she plays. She absolutely hates that but it's gotten her to the point that she's backed down a bit because she doesn't get the reaction she's looking for.
I don't know if this is possible for you but I hope it helps x you're not alone