Hi sisters. I have a teenage boy who’s struggling and I just don’t know how to help him anymore.
He is 17. We escaped from a DV situation about 15 months ago. He has never had a good relationship with his father and him and I have been abused verbally quite badly for a really long time.
Currently he is seeing a DV support worker once a week, a psychologist once a month and also out GP who has just put him on antidepressants about 4 weeks ago.
He is constantly on his phone or the computer, he complains of not being able to sleep well, he is eating uncontrollably and has put on a lot of weight, he is so down on himself he doesn’t look after himself and he just doesn’t care. His grades are dropping at school. His room is a mess. He doesn’t listen. He spends all his pay the day he gets it on Uber eats or junk food. He has very low self esteem and has said sometimes he wishes he didn’t wake up.
I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried being assertive, I’ve tried to get my mum and sisters to talk to him. I’ve spoken to his GP without him in the room. I’ve tried everything I can think of to help him but I feel he won’t help himself, not even a little bit.
I know he wants a relationship with this father but his father treats him like shit, no matter what he does.
HELP! How do I help this kid???
5 Replies
Get the psychologist appointment once a week for him. Cut the internet off and if you pay for the Uber eats cut that too. Get him out walking with you every night or get him to join a local gym. Exercise helps so much with mental health. Def get onto the psychologist and make it weekly. Talk with him and be very open.
You're already doing what you can. He has all the right help. Honestly half of this can be just put down to the average teenager. I have 2 teen boys aged 19 and 17 and you have just described them. Their dad is too busy with his other kids to even contact them more than once in a blue moon. My eldest has been on anti anxiety meds for around 4 years now and they really help him. I also found my 17 year olds confidence took a nose dive this year being in year 12 and not knowing what to do next year so we had a chat about picking Tafe courses that aren't really specific to one career but will help him choose what he wants to do. I think having a plan for the future has really helped, with no plan for the future kids this age can feel really lost. You are also probably feeling very guilty and at fault for the abuse you both copped and that is making it blurry for you to see the difference between normal for his age and serious mental health issues.
He has probably been in a DV situation since birth, it’s going to take more than 15months to recover.
I think it’s ok to be a parent though and although I don’t believe in going in hard core in these situations, I think gradually and systematically increasing expectations is important.
I’d probably go to one of his psychologist appointments so I can discuss expectations.
I left a dv relationship about that long ago and it sounds like he is struggling with a lot of the things I did too. Is his psychologist a trauma specialist? Has he been evaluated for an eating disorder? If his eating is uncontrollable and he's spending all his pay on food that might be making everything harder for him too. The phone or computer can be ways to get a mental time out. Can you start small with his room or his school work and ask if there is one thing that would help him? Maybe getting his desk organised so that it's a calm space he can work in and it's really easy to keep tidy. Trying to get everything done at once can be so overwhelming but very small changes can feel more manageable.
His depression is stemming from a lack of connection. He can't get the interpersonal connection he needs from his relationship with his father, so he needs to seek it in elsewhere. I have personal experience with this issue as I was very lonely and depressed when I left a 12 year, long-term relationship a year ago and found myself with no friends or family anymore. I joined a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu gym and have come along in leaps and bounds because of it. I met a new partner there, and have made a heap of new friends. My depression has lifted and I have something to keep me fit, focussed and connected. It may seem weird at first, but if you could convince him to give it a go, I think it will make all the difference! Good luck. Xx