Hi there, I really need some wisdom here, and hope that I am not going to bore you and that my question will make sense.
My niece is getting married and my entire family was invited except me and my children. There was never any issue that I am aware of, so according to me this is without reason. All my siblings and their children is invited. The best of all I am the only one that had always tried to come up or defend my niece whenever my family badmouthed her, trying to see only the best in her. The joke is the one's that she invited are the one's badmouthing her. Me who is more supportive of her, is left out. I am mind blown,
Because of other issues I have with some of brothers and sisters of which I had to deal with constantly over the years regarding being put down and condemned in a subtle yet negative way in every decision I make in my life. even though I am the only one that has always been independent, and not bothering any of my family with my life's problems. I am always successful in whatever I do career wise, but I have always felt condemned or judged by them, so I decided to take this on with them, either cut ties, because I cannot go on being hurt like this, I do not deserve this, so I decided to discuss it with my daughter, and that is when she asked me if I have been invited to my sister's daughter's wedding. She already knew that everybody was invited except us....well that was just the cherry on top.
At first I said it doesn't matter, but after a while I have decided that this is BS, I don't deserve being treated like this. The rest of my family has always played the "favouritism" game, as if they competing for positions in each other life's (hope you understand what I am trying to say) whereas me on the other hand distance my self from that, but have always been respectful and loving towards all of them.
I do not understand why they are sometimes doing what they do, as if everything is always up in the air with no clear answer.
And I have decided to put a stop to this in letting them know that I am cutting ties with them. I have always thought that we are a close family and because of my respect for them, I never took them on whenever they talked down to me or whatever they did to make me feel hurt, because I always tried to see it in a better way, maybe I am over sensitive, or maybe I am this or maybe I am that....always tried to avoid conflict. But my life partner and my daughter confirmed that they do exactly to me what I think they are doing and they also think it is about time to make my voice heard. And on top of this I became aware that I was not invited to the wedding. Never before was I left out in any of my family's weddings. I am confused and hurt, and feel as if I have reached my limit and something has to be done, but I don't know how to go about this? I really don't want to loose them but I feel this is the only way I will ever have peace of mind. Thank you so much for your time
Hope someone can give me solid and healthy advise....thank you so much for your time
9 Replies
You are not close. Your family is toxic. You're not kind and loving, you've taken a step back because you don't trust them. And yes, if you see their bullshit, you will be dragged into it, because they flip and flop and someone always has to be on the outer, it's how the dynamic works.
I think continue on your way. Avoid a day and night with them. Rise above and wish the niece well and send a gift if you get on with her.
You can’t argue with toxic. If you stand up to them or tell them why you won’t be contacting them anymore they’ll just turn it around back onto you.
The best thing to do with toxic people is walk away. Write a letter and burn it if you need to, but don’t waist precious energy end time trying to be heard by people who are incapable of hearing. It just leaves you more frustrated.
Sometimes we have to give ourselves the gift of closure, because toxic people can’t give it to us.
If you look up narcissistic families you will probably relate to a lot of it! Favouritism, exclusion, scapegoats, boasting are all very common in narcissistic families. Have a look at your parents because one of them is probably a narcissist. You're best to cut ties completely!
I often think in these situations- the high road is to just seem not phased.
People like this will bait you for a reaction to create drama. Don’t give it to me. Silently wipe them. They won’t see it coming!
It's possible your neice didn't invite you because she doesn't want any disharmony at her wedding, not necessarily because you've done anything to warrant being excluded.
It's easier to just remove you from the situation than just hoping the rest of the family will behave themselves.
I tend to agree with everyone else though, giving your family a big speech about why you're cutting them off isn't likely to illicit the response you're hoping for, it may actually make you feel worse if it fuels them further or if they show literally no remorse.
Speaking from experience with a toxic mother, sometimes you just have to make your peace with it and accept people for who they are. Then you move forward.
Agree, it will give the the exact fuel they want to be able to say, "See, Kirsty is a nasty bitch she made it all about her just like we knew she would, we can never please her and as always we're all the assholes while she makes this big scene and cuts us all off right before the wedding."
Toxic family cut them off. The thrive on drama and this is why It’s happened, to create drama. Cut them and move on
Save your energy and just move on! They don't need an explanation, just do it!
Here's whats happened i reckon. People that badmouth to you about other people are more than likely badmouthing you to other people.
They have obviously been badmouthing you to your niece. They are a united force in their toxicity. They would have had an impact on the invites.
Here is what I would do if I were you, don't cut ties, but instead take a step back.
Send your niece a beautiful, supportive card saying how happy you are for her and that you will always be there for her.
And leave it at that.
All the best!