My husband and I have three children. Two of which are under the age of two. The youngest being 5 months. Circumstances have changed and now it’s looking like I need to go back to work. However I am the only one who looks after the two babies, cooks and does majority of the cleaning. My husband has said he cannot deal with looking after the two babies by himself, so I’m not to return to shift work, but only work day shifts so I can still look after the kids. The youngest still gets up during the night, but my husband won’t help with any night feeds or get up early for the kids. He sleeps in every day off and gets very annoyed if I make him get up with me. Am I wrong in thinking if he can’t take on more responsibility with the house and kids then I shouldn’t be returning to work yet? He thinks this is unfair and selfish of me, as we need more money. But I just see even more responsibility on my shoulders and no real change for him. Am I the one being unreasonable? Thoughts?
14 Replies
Even as things stand, he needs to put his big boy pants on and step up, you may as well have a 4th kid!
He can't deal with two babies, then he needs to learn. He needs to be equally as capable of caring for the children on his own as you are because God forbid he ever found himself in a position where you are gone or incapacitated, he won't have the luxury of just throwing the towel in because it's hard!
Two working parents need to distribute the responsibilities equitably otherwise one parent ends up with a very shitty end of the stick.
It's not fair if both parents go off to work but one gets to sleep in on days off, sleep through the night and do none of the cooking and cleaning while the other parent tends to the babies through the night, gets up early with them in the mornings, does all the primary care of the children and does all the other things around the house that need doing as well as heading off to work everyday!
I know so many women in the exact situation I just mentioned - they are chronically burnt out and resentful. You just can't live that way!
You should explain to him that whether you return to day work or shift work, the dynamics will be changing because you cannot and will not do everything on your own.
👆 THIS!
Sadly you need to re-evaluate your marriage.
Hahaha. Oh gee. I love men like this! Like come on honey it's the 21st century you should be working and helping pay the bills! But hell no am I doing any of that child rearing and cleaning stuff, that's a woman's job!
I’d have to be desperate, like not sure how we are going to feed/house the kids to return to work under these circumstances.
When you go back to work he is not going to be happy either because you won’t keep the house to 1950s standards.
He’s an asshole, and you don’t get to decide you can’t handle the kids after you’ve had them.
At this point I’d be assessing the long term viability of this marriage. What’s the point of being with him? He can pay child support and you’ll have one less person to look after.
PS make sure you lock down your contraceptives, having a third child would be a disaster.
What’s changed? Has he quit his job to become more of a lazy arse? If you need to go back to work I would then kick him to the kerb.
I would sit him down and write several budgets.
Scenario #1 you both working and him not helping with housework. This would include costs of cleaner, childcare, convenience meals, extra fuel, extra power use.
Scenario #2 a budget that shows what things would look like if he actually acted like an adult and helped. No cleaner, limited childcare, more homecooked meals, less power.
Scenario #3 what his income would look like if he had to pay child support for 3 kids since you're doing it all by yourself anyway may as well make it official.
Hell. No. Why on earth would you plan your schedule like that while he just says no thanks. If you do, you will need for him to point out where he thinks you will rest, sleep, take me time, do out of hours work, take care of yourself, run a household and a family, make yourself presentable for work... Etc etc.
Even without adding work to your load, him just saying no I won't parent my kids is insane and needs dealing with.
Alternatively he could go to work night shifts since hes not needed at home and you're up 24/7 there anyway, so that probably works out best.
He does his share of the heavy lifting or he gets a second job/chases a promotion to bring in more money.
The fact he thinks you can retain full responsibility for all of the kids plus add paid employment is laughable.
Yep..you were both responsible for bringing 3 children into the world and this is what it looks like! He can't have it both ways hon! It's either more money and he pulls his weight? Or you stay home longer🤷♀️ good luck💜
So unattractive 🤮
You're not being unreasonable.
Partner and I have 4 kids between us, none together. He's an early bird, but a heavy sleeper who likes an entire nights rest. I'm restless through the night and take a while to rouse.
He lets me sleep in, I do the nights. We both work. We both cook, clean and we do witching hour together (dinner, bath, bed). We have assigned jobs like he does lawns and I fold laundry. We do not have a single argument over anything household related and share things equally. I set the expectation from the beginning that I'm not his maid, not his mother and I wasn't willing to go back to how things had been with my ex where I was expected to work just as much with little to no help in the house.
I could not be with a man that doesn't help raise his own children or help with house hold chores.
My husband and I have 2 children. An almost 4 year old and a 20 month old. We both look after our kids. I would say 70/30 in my favour but he does most of the cooking. If I don't get a chance he will also do laundry, vacuuming, mopping, general cleaning plus the yard work.
I went back to work as a casual when first bub was 10 months old. I worked on the days hubby was home from work so we didn't have to pay child care.
We both decided that I wouldn't go back to work after baby number 2 and Hubby picked up more hours to cover us while I am a SAHP. Even though he is working more paid hours, he still does house work, spends time with our children and give me time to myself