Ladies. A man with a problem!
So some background. I’ve known this lady for several years now. She has been single a long time and I’ve recently been seperate.
We have been friends but not everyday talking, sort of every few weeks or a hello if we bump into each other.
We have become VERY close over this lockdown and started to develop some feelings. We would talk everyday and she would often tell me she liked me and really wanted to see where we could go. We both have a child the same age and have things in common. So things were going really well. She often says “where have you been my whole life”, “you’re perfect”
One day something changed. She wasn’t messaging much and was quite distant. I tried to dive deeper into what the issue was and I then had a flurry of messages. The messages basically said that she had a family member pass years ago and hasn’t been the same since. She often has depression and goes in and out of moods. She thought she was recovering but obviously not. She wants me to be happy and doesn’t want to keep me tagged along. I deserve happiness. She said she needed some time to herself to work on herself.
I said all that was fine and I am happy to be patient and give her some space. After a few days I messaged again trying to get some answers because this sort of left me feeling in limbo. Does this mean you aren’t wanting to pursue further now? Is this a yes but not now? In a round about way she said I deserve better and happiness, so you want me to move on?
The response I got was I’m open to to it but she might be slower than me. I was also told I think too much. From all for it to.. maybe? I don’t know.
We now only speak if I message her first. The conversation feels kind of the same but she won’t initiate the talk.
I’m a man and not afraid to admit I don’t understand signs and language around this well. Did she get scared? Pull the breaks? Or just realise I’m not it?
8 Replies
She has an issue with something you did. Apologise for what it may have been and let her go. She might be married still. Something is up. You might be too full on. Put it in a msg to her and tell her you will leave it be.
She's letting you down easy and giving you an out...take it.
Give her some space and move on.
I dont think she knows what she wants or maybe her mental health isn't the right place for her to be pursuing a relationship at all and that's what's holding her back.
Maybe this is all happening a bit fast for her or maybe you've been a bit intense for her.
There's also a chance she's the type of person to play silly games!
But I also think you may never know for sure.
I always tell my friends (and this is something I wholeheartedly stand by) that if you're in the right relationship with the right person, you won't be left confused and wondering where you stand.
I think she's been honest. She has mental health issues and isn't coping. I wonder whether it's a bit more than depression though. I'd walk away if you don't want to feel like this frequently and long term.
Some responses suggest that you have upset her somehow... If that's the case, I'd still see this as a red flag at the beginning of a relationship. If she really is blaming a mental health condition and having walls up rather than talking to you about an issue when you have openly asked and showed genuine desire to address the issue if there is one, then she's immature and showing you how she responds to conflict. I would tend to suggest that it really is mental health though.
Time to move on, she was honest about her mental health issues and while she may like you, she isn’t in a position to really start a relationship. There is no point waiting for her, it could take years!
If you’ve only recently separated it’s probably a good idea to take a step back and focus on yourself versus trying to build a relationship.
She's been single a long time because a. She enjoys it more than having a partner. B. She finds it hard to fit a partner into her life. C. She can't manage relationships for whatever reason. She's told you that a bit. It's not for you to fix or wait, you need to just accept it and move on.
And yes, all of those things she's saying to you are ways to break up. Just when pushed she won't say it clearly, but she's saying it, she's out and she wants you to go, be happy, don't wait around for her, she isn't putting in to this and doesn't want you to offer to wait around.
Maybe she doesn't feel she needs to officially 'break up' so is just giving the signals and taking the space and that's all she needs. Do yourself a favour and let it go as something that didn't work out. You're newly single, go out and meet some people, set your own single life up.
Sorry to say but it sounds like she is trying to let you down easy.
She may have met someone else (this has happened to me before with a guy). Accept she wants space. Send her a message telling her that you still care for her but will give her the space she wants. Tell her that if she wants to talk, you’ll be there.
The hardest bit after that is not messaging again, i would suggest opening a note on your phone and writing everything in there and then closing it. You give yourself the space to write what you want to her without actually bugging her. You’ll find that ypu’ll just not feel the need to message her soon enough and ypu’ll move on.
Good luck
People are allowed to change there mind and how they feel and you're not entitled to a response or explanation, none of that makes them immature or mean they are playing games. This woman gave you an explanation and is also kind enough to respond to your texts that you're sending her every few days. Please stop and leave her alone