Need sisterhood advice to protect myself.
So I am currently engaged, due to be married in about 6 weeks and we have an 11 month old together. Have been together nearly 5 years. Had a little break time in there of about 4-5months. The issue has arisen that he can be quite horrible at times. Most times it has some what good intentions and it comes out wrong. I say it back to him and say is this what you are saying and he will go "well no, but kinda, that is what I said but I didn't mean it like that" and we work through what he actually meant and how he could have said something else to get his point across in a nicer way. I keep in mind he comes from a very toxic family who are people that are proudly "tell it how it is", "call it as you see it" type people. Very rude and disrespectful. Nose in everyone's business but their own. Anyway, he over stepped the line tonight and I am very seriously considering leaving him.
The issue is he has always said that he will take our baby if this is ever to occur, and told me that again tonight.
Now if this was a female she would straight up be in the right, why is it wrong for him to want to take his son with him?
How do I safe guard myself so he can't take my son away from me?
Do I have to just let things play out, get a recovery order, take to him to mediation and the rest?
If I continue with this relationship and we get married does it make things harder? We are both walking into this marriage with nothing assest wise. Purely asking child wise. Does being married give both of us more equal rights in the future? Or the same as now?
14 Replies
Marriage makes no difference to child care.
Marriage makes no difference to childcare. I would however caution you against marrying someone who would use your child as a pawn to control you. That’s the biggest nope.
Honestly, most of the time they’re bluffing anyway.
But please be aware, this kind of manipulation isn’t the normal in a healthy relationship regardless of “how he sees it”.
All he’d be seeing of me, is my rear end walking away
This!
Thanks for your contribution, he has some serious abandonment issues, his family are always I will hurt you first so you cant hurt me. We see a psychologist and work through things as they arise and he has gone from a "depression doesn't exist person" to mental health is a thing and I need to work on mine. We have completely cut his immediate family out of our lives for the past 2 years and it has been wonderful but those deep seeded ideas are a struggle to change. On the other side he is an amazing person to do life with, best father who seriously goes above and beyond... Unfortunately the last year we havent been to see the psychologist as much as normal as I am studying full time and kids and work and you know how life gets, I am sure.
I am also well aware that this manipulation isn't healthy and I am making an appointment on Monday morning to see the psychologist, just for a little chat and a bring back down to earth.
I think deep down he is scared about getting married and trying to push me away before I can hurt him, which is his usual go to coping mechanism, but I am definitely aware of the unhealthiness of it.
You're micromanaging, you're in way too deep, all your understanding of him won't change or fix him and won't make this work out. You'll only be able to ignore and hang in there for so long. It's not how a relationship should be. It's not how a healthy relationship is. I'd put off the wedding, your explained all the reasons why, but you're explaining it for him not thinking about what's right for yourself.
This
Do not continue a relationship with a guy that tells you that. His 'a bit toxic' that you can explain and work out is all you, he's the toxic part and what he's telling you is true him. When it gets messy and you no longer spin what he says and does, dealing with him will be a living nightmare for you. Get out now and sort out custody officially it's the only way to deal with these people.
The way you safeguard your custody is to be really fucking picky about who you let into your home and life as a partner. If you know that person could or would or even hints that they would cause you to lose custody either my malice, confusion, or whatever, then you do what you need to do to safeguard yourself.
Being married or not makes no difference and custody is both the mother and father. He is the child's father so if the father collects the child from anywhere, he has the right to, no matter if you are the mother. Because the mother has the right to as well.
The child isn't a personal posession. The court orders parenting orders that clearly outline where the child lives, the percentage of time spent, the responsibilities each parent has.
If you don't want to share those responsibilities and you feel you are more entitled than they are to parent a child that is biologically and legally declared their child then I am sorry, but you are wrong.
A child's best interests are 100% 50/50. Unless you have strong evidence that the child's best interests are 90% of the time with you, be prepared to negotiate and fight in court.
If you feel this way, I wouldn't proceed with a relationship and see a lawyer.
Don't get married if you have doubts. Yes it makes it harder, not so much with child custody arrangements, but being entangled with someone. As far as safe guarding custody, you can't stop him from having access unless he's proven unsafe, but if you are concerned about him taking her and bolting you need to see a family law lawyer for advice. Legal aid does free legal advice clinics. So many red flags already. Don't do it.
You would seriously go into a marriage with someone after needing to ask these questions??!!
Marriage will make no difference. But I would advise against getting married, he will only get worse, not better!
Omg you poor thing! How stressful. Do not marry him!!! Get legal advice re custody. Being married makes no difference.
If any parent, male or female, mother or father threatened to take the child from the other parent as a way to stop them from leaving it is 100% NOT OKAY.
This is used as a manipulation tactic to stop you from leaving.
You plan and you safely leave, if he wants time with the child you go to mediation and you put the orders through the court to make them court orders because it makes it easier to get a recovery order.