I need advice on how to help my friend who’s left her partner. She hasn’t said that he was physically abusive but he’s constantly verbally and emotionally abusive whenever he’s drunk. The police have been involved countless times and she’s finally left after the police told her he wasn’t going to get better.
I don’t know how to help her. She’s not doing well, she’s blaming herself and thinks she’s overreacting (I’ve read the messages, she is not.) I’m being supportive but I don’t know if it’s enough. I remind her that she’s doing the right thing, that the police wouldn’t have told her to leave if she was overreacting.
I’m not exactly the person you’d go to for support but she has come to me and I’d like some advice on how to help her through this.
2 Replies
Yep be straight. It's really hard to see clearly and to stop giving him time and leeway when you're deep in it. Be honest. Be really honest about where she should be setting the boundaries.
People tiptoe around it, and say well it's your choice and we'll he does this and that... And he's in her other ear, and starting life alone is hard.
Keep her on track, remind her it'll get easier, this is hard but so worth it. Remind her why. What's the goal ? Respect, a nice home, safety. It's priceless.
I currently have a family member going through this battle (it's taken a toll on our family for years now).
So my advice comes from personal insight.
Firstly, you need to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that she'll return to her abuser. She still hasn't left of her own accord, she left because of the police involvement. That's why she's still in that self doubting "its all my fault, I probably deserved it" mindset.
Secondly, it can be really hard to find that right supportive balance, emotionally speaking at least. You either tend to swing into this passive, enabling side which keeps the victim from making any positive steps forward because you're just sort of telling them what they want to hear. Or you swing to the opposite side of that and go too hard with the harsh realities, which often pushes the victim away and right back into the arms of their abuser.
The best support tends to come in a practical sense. E.g., providing her with resource information, encouraging and helping her create a plan (finances, accommodation, therapy and ongoing professional support services for example), even things like taking her out for lunch or coffee just so she has a moment to experience how awesome her new found freedom is.
Lastly, another thing to prepare yourself for - the fact that you may need to walk away from this situation at some point if it's ongoing, just for your own mental wellbeing.
Watching on relatively helplessly while someone you care about lives this abusive cycle is extremely taxing. It can very quickly become overwhelming actually. So just remember that you can't pour from an empty cup, you've absolutely got to look after yourself through this and know your limits.