So….I live 4 hours drive away from my family and like to try visit them as often as possible in between work. So I usually do this on annual leave. It’s our wedding anniversary this week & then my birthday a couple of days later. We’re going out to dinner for our anniversary and for my birthday I want to go visit my family. I’ve got time off work so I said to him that I want to visit them for my bday and his said ‘no I don’t want to go..we always go there’. I’ve said ‘well that’s what I’d like to do for my bday so I’m happy to go visit them by myself’. Nope….he doesn’t want me to go on my own….and doesn’t want to come with me either. My Dad & husbands relationship is slightly strained because he (dad) just likes to be an arse sometimes but doesn’t realise it.
I get my hubby may not want to visit them (& I’ve offered & said he doesn’t have to come and I don’t mind if he doesn’t and then he gets grumpy because he wouldn’t be wth me and then I’m frustrated because that’s want I want to do for MY bday and I’m left feeling bad for feeling annoyed that I can’t do that.)
But I think & feel visiting family is important and I feel like he doesn’t want me to go either way which isn’t fair. I think his being unreasonable and I feel like I’m going to resent him later about it.
I want to go, he doesn’t want to. I’m happy to go on my own, he doesn’t want that…he also doesn’t want to stay behind without me OR go. 🤷♀️
*He did throw fuel on the fire by saying ‘I can’t go visit my family’ . But that’s not my fault & out of our control- they live interstate & due to Covid you can’t get over the border.
Am I being unreasonable or is he being unreasonable?
Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?
Am I being unreasonable? Or is he?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
10 Replies
Ahhh this is tricky, for a few reasons.
1. It's not only your bday, it's also your anniversary, and he wants to do something with you. What's the point of a relationship if you don't celebrate special occassions together.
2. Your family is a dick to him and he's not comfortable there and you don't pull them up, did I read that right?
I think it's fine to just keep him out of it and keep seeing them, do not let his needs hamper you or cut you off, but there has to be a limit. I mean how do you have a functioning relationship with someone that's driving 4 hours away every chance they get?
For clarification
-My dad can be an arsehole to him and me but no, I DO pull him up on it.
-Yes I see & understand that he wants to do something with me..I don’t find that unreasonable. I want to spend our anniversary doing something together too-So this year we both agreed we’re happy doing dinner this year.
-By me saying I try to visit family whenever I can- is once a year….maybe twice, if that. So for example- I don’t drive 4 hours away on my own every single fortnight, month etc.
There is a limit there, in that it’s not often I get to go. So when I do/can get time off I try to make an effort to visit.
Well you sound completely reasonable. He might have something planned for your birthday or he might be genuinely saying he wanted to spend this weekend with you. Hear him and plan the weekend with him as well, for another weekend soon.
Does he want you to save your annual leave for when he's able to visit his family? That I can kind of understand. I live interstate from my family too and I haven't seen my mum in 3 years. It would annoy me if my husband wasted money or annual leave on visiting his family who he can see several times a year.
So every time you take annual leave (which is usually only twice a year I assume) you visit your family?
Family he doesn’t particularly like?
Do you two ever plan/take holidays together?
Compromise and book in somewhere close to your family so he still has a choice of seeing your Dad or not but you both get to spend the weekend together.
If you want to go visit your family please do it. My ex husband made it almost impossible for me to spend time with my family. I grew to resent him so much as I missed special occasions with my them and my children missed out on spending time with their grandparents,cousins etc.
Did you read the bit where he has never stopped her before, she goes every time she takes holifays. He just wants to spend their anniversary and her birthday together. He has probably planned something special but she’s being difficult
I read some of these comments. What these women are saying to OP to say to her husband, such as “I am an ADULT, i will go and see MY family for MY birthday” or “you’re an adult, no one can tell you who you can spend your time with”. Now, for a second just imagine if your husband said this to you, you women would be going crazy at them. You’d be suspecting they are cheating, you’d accuse them of not wanting to spend time with you and the kids…but in your own words “you’re an adult and no one can tell you what to do”.
I can’t believe that some of you actually think this is appropriate for a woman, but we all know men would get slated for saying the same thing.
He is controlling you! If my husband told me he doesn’t want me to visit my family on my bday, I tell him where to shove it. No body controls me. Just go!