Hi IM's, I need some advice please. Apologies for how long this is...
Background to the story: my partner and this lady dated for 3 years, on and off. She had a 10 year old (at the time) daughter who my partner loved as his own, but she was incredibly troubled and had major behavioral issues, which lead to the eventual breakdown of the relationship. My partner wanted to stay and make it work with this lady, but the lady said having a relationship was too exhausting for her, so she broke it off. She also was an alcoholic and after a bottle of wine, would treat my partner terribly - verbal abuse, very strange accusations etc and because of the abuse he copped from her, he has told me that he would never get back with her.
Anyway, my partner and I started dating in December 2020 and everything was going fantastic, and then 4 months into the relationship, he suddenly found himself the sole carer for his own 10 year old son who is incredibly troubled and has major behavioral issues. Things between us were still good but we all had to adjust to a new way of dating now that there was a child involved. Since living with his Dad, the son has improved in leaps and bounds but when triggered, he gets incredibly violent and strong, and the police have to be called and the knives have to be hidden away etc. My partner has since discovered how exhausting it is to look after a child with such intense issues, but is willing to stay in a relationship with me even though we barely get to spend any alone time together due to his son being in desperate need of love and attention (my partner has to sleep in his bed every night because he can't sleep alone due to anxiety - after the son falls asleep, my partner has to sneak back into our room so he can get a good nights' sleep) and psychological help etc.
My partner told me back in July that he had texted his ex to get some closure, and to let her know how he now understands why she broke off the relationship with him due to having to pour so much time and attention and love into her child, and how he's doing that now and fully understands how exhausting it is. He told her that he was dating someone new (me) and that he just wanted to let her know that he fully understands now why he broke it off.
Anyway, on the weekend I discovered that they have been texting back and forth quite regularly since the beginning of August - they'd start off talking about their kids, the pandemic, the panic buying etc, but then the conversation would change into talking about what they missed about their relationship and that they still think about each other, and she mentioned how she missed the sex (to which he didn't reply), and she asked why did he keep texting her when he's dating someone else, and that if he was happy in his relationship he wouldn't even be thinking about her etc. She asked him, "do you think the girl you're dating now is the one" and his reply was, "The one.....didn't want me".
I confronted him about these messages on the weekend and he claims that yeah, she was the one when they were dating but since she broke it off, she's not the one anymore, and that he feels guilty because he doesn't have the time or energy or finances to take me out on dates or buy me flowers or treat me how he thinks I should be treated. I told him that I'm happy with how things are now - that my kind of date is to snuggle up on the couch with him and his son watching Netflix and eating takeaway, or cooking together, or going supermarket shopping together like we already do, and that to keep me happy nothing really has to change because I'm already happy with how things are. He also said that yes, he does think about his ex girlfriend sometimes but not about her per se, but about the things they used to do together like go to wineries and cook together in the kitchen and sit on the couch together watching TV and "laughing their asses off" at comedy etc.
I didn't ask him to do this, but he deleted her number and the messages on Sunday night and said that he wants to do everything he can to make it work between us and that he does love me. He hasn't told her that he deleted her number, which to my current over-sensitive brain means that if she texts him, he'll have her number again so I'm not sure he actually wants to get rid of her. I don't mind them talking, but I just felt really hurt when they started talking so affectionately about the things they used to do in the relationship and that they still think about each other and miss each other and especially when he made that comment about her being 'the one' even though he tells me now that he meant at the time she was the one, not now. I'm SO CONFUSED!
He says he loves me and wants to make it work but according to the text messages, it sounds like his heart is with her :( Any advice, if you've made it to the end? :P Thank you for listening - my brain is in shambles right now.
12 Replies
If you’re happy to be second prize, always worrying if he’s in contact with her, stay in the relationship. If not, leave. Me personally, I’d run. There’s no confusion here...’the one didn’t want me’, doesn’t get any clearer than that.
Also see we the way you confronted him about extremely inappropriate text messages and somehow he changes the whole subject and the conversation ends with you telling him how little you need from him. How did that happen? How did you end up fighting for him when he’s the one telling another woman she’s the one. He is one big mind f#ck, he will destroy your self esteem and self worth, he’s already got you wanting the bare minimum.
I don’t understand the connection between inappropriate conversations with an ex and not being able to take you out and buy you flowers? If that was the case, wouldnt you be even more attentive/respectful and loving, given you can’t do a lot of the normal dating things. How does that translate to having sneaky convos with the ex? None of it makes sense, it’s all word salad.
Actually now that you mention it, he does that a lot! Whenever I talk to him about something, he finds a way to change the subject and instead talks about something that makes him the victim... It does feel very one-sided.. :( I found an old poem he wrote for her last year and it was so lovely. He gave me a birthday card for my birthday (and flowers) and all he wrote was "Happy Birthday!!" and yet for his ex he wrote this beautiful poem that said so many beautiful things about how much he loved her and how crazy he was about her.
Mother of his child, psycho.
The girlfriend: her child had severe behavioural issues, possibly from an unstable environment, maybe gf has issues too?
Then there’s you, no issues, balanced, stable?
Maybe he likes the crazy ones?
I'm beginning to think he likes the ones who don't want him.. You know how some girls chase the guys they can't have? I think he chases the girls he can't have. It sucks because we get on so well - everything else is great and if I hadn't have seen those messages to his ex girlfriend, I would never have known there was an issue :(
You haven't been together all that long, I really wouldn't be wasting more time with him. It's also worrying how you say "now there is a child involved" like he just popped up out of nowhere one day. Was he not part of his life before? How did your boyfriend live such a carefree life before if he has a child with high needs? I can guarantee that his behaviour and anxiety didn't just happen one day, whoever had been caring for him before would have had to deal with all this too and by the sounds of it without his Dad to help. That would send more alarm bells about this guy than the text messaging tbh, what kind of Dad has no idea of their own child's behavioural problems? An absent one.
The children are prevented from seeing their Dad by their controlling and abusive Mum. The only reason the 10 year old has come to live with him is because my partner had to physically go over there and rescue him from his ex-wife's house. Sorry, I should have worded that bit better.
Well that sounds a bit bull shit too, sorry. If she had truly stopped them from seeing him he would never have been able to just go and rescue him. The kid would not have got in the car to start with and the mother would have got police involved, ask any alienated parent how hard it is to just go and pick their child up! And why didn't he "rescue" his other kids while he was there if she's so abusive? These are the things you need to be asking yourself and him, when things don't quite add up then you know he isn't showing you his true colours.
The 10 year old has wanted to leave his Mum's since 2020 and every time my partner and his ex wife have conversations about it the answer is no and then she refuses to let him see the kids for a while. The 10 year old was more than willing to leave Mum's and come and live with his Dad, and is doing really well now apart from the anxiety & triggers. The Mum is well-known to the Police, DHS and Anglicare and would never call them because they know how abusive and manipulating she is and they've been trying to take the kids off her for a while now. The two oldest girls have moved out of home and the middle child refuses to leave the area because her parents live 2 hours apart and she'd have to change schools and make new friends. She did agree to come and live with her Dad earlier this year but sadly changed her mind and now stays with friends mostly, and deals with her Mum by staying away from home or resorting to violence when needed. I've been a friend of the family for four years and sadly the kids are pretty damaged but had no idea how bad until their Dad and I started dating.
It still doesn't sound like he's been stopped from seeing the kids if they all have choices. My ex and his family have painted me to be a pretty horrible person too to his girlfriends. He has painted two of his exes as abusive psychos now so I wonder what he will say about you?
Actions speak louder than words.
He's paying you lip service but his actions are incredibly disrespectful to you and to your still fledgling relationship. How does it even get better from here?
Throw that one in the bin
No no no no no. Just no. Nope out of there.