Hi IMs, will put a trigger warning on this one..
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I am wondering if anyone has been in this predicament or what they would do?
I am VERY close with a friend of mine, we are more like sisters and we do everything for one another/together. She is infertile and has been trying for so long for a baby with no success and many many heartaches along the way. With every pregnancy announcement that comes up, every birth, I see her pain. She is feeling it all so badly, it hurts her to her core. I sit with her whilst she cries and vents to me about it. I have found out I am pregnant and I don't have any emotion about it, it's still very raw. However, I don't know if I can do this to my friend. I know how much it would kill her if I had a baby right now. I am her biggest support and she is doing it all alone (no partner). I am thinking of aborting for her mental health's sake.. I think it is the right thing to do for her.
Her adopting the baby is not within question as much as it makes sense. It is not something I could do having many kids already and then them having a sibling that lives elsewhere. Morally I cannot do that. It is 100% out of the question.
15 Replies
If a termination is what you want and what you feel is in your best interests, I can respect that.
Having a termination to spare your friend any more pain isn't the right reason in my opinion. I just feel that it has the potential to fracture your friendship in so many ways.
You may come to regret that decision if your heart isn't fully in it and by extension resent your friend.
Obviously I can't speak for your friend but I personally would be heart broken and I'd absolutely hate myself if any of my dear friends had an abortion solely for my benefit.
I think the best advice I can give you is just not to make any rash decisions and really think all of this through.
Oh god no. Get yourself to a counsellor because you've taken her problems on as your own to a very unhealthy level. You can support her but you must still lead your own life, and having babies is a very important part of that, it's not a decision you make based on your friends or relatives needs, not at all.
Yes I agree this is an unhealthy way of thinking by the OP. Counseling/therapy is needed.
Wow. No. I wouldn't do it just for that. I know it must be hard for her but this is your life and your family. What's next, give up your other kids for adoption because it hurts her feelings to see you have kids and she doesn't?
If that's what you want to do for you then do it, don't ever try to convince yourself or others that you're doing it for her. That would be an immense amount of guilt on her shoulders for something entirely outside of her control.
I would never kill my unborn son or daughter because someone else’s mental health might suffer. Geez, what a thing to suggest.
As some one with low fertility, please do not end your pregnancy because of guilt due to her inability to fall pregnant. If she found out you did this, she would feel so broken and guilty. I always felt heart broken when I found out some one close to be was pregnent, but with time my excitement for them overtook that moment of jealousy. In the end she will be happy for you.
No way what about your mental health how are your going to live with yourself knowing you aborted your baby for a friend what if your friendship comes to an end for one reason or another regardless this has to be a decision you make and you alone having a baby does not effect anyone else but your own family
Please don't do it just for her mental sake. Ultimately if you come to regret the decision you may start to resent her and her position. If by some miracle she was to fall pregnant, you would always be thinking of your own. If you want your baby, involve her, let her be part of it. I found out my sister was pregnant the very same month that (at 39) I decided to stop trying for number two (my first was 15 by this time) and it did break me, but it time I managed. She knew my heartbreak and one thing I had really wished for was that she might ask me to be a birthing partner but I had never known how to bring it up so it didn't happen.
As someone who was pregnant and miscarried while 3 of my close friends were pregnant at the same time and they went on to have healthy pregnancy/babies, I'll admit I was jealous of my friends and seeing them having their babies was hard but never in a million years I wished them or their babies harm or that they would go threw what I did. Please don't base this choice on anyone but you and hubby
So you won't adopt your baby to her because you feel it is wrong but you will terminate the baby for her, you feel is okay. None of this is healthy for either of you and I hope you are both seeing psychologists for this.
If you were my friend and I found out you terminated a baby for me, we would no longer be friends. That would do more damage to me then you having the baby.
I suffered for 6 year with unexplained infertility and in that time I watched my SIL, brother, many cousins and friends get pregnant and have babies. I was sad and devastated for myself and my husband but I was always happy and excited for them and I love every one of those babies with my whole heart.
No , I would not abort a child for anyone! I could never choose the life of my innocent baby just because it might hurt my friends feelings , such a selfish reason .even the thought of that just shows how selfish you are being . That would have the opposite effect to what your achieving. I
I had an abortion because I was young and in a bad relationship. I would never do it for someone else.
If you don't want the baby then do it for yourself. I think most women would be mortified if someone had an abortion to spare their feelings. You could be robbing her of the opportunity to develop a happy and healthy attitude towards love ones having children. People having kids is not something you can shield her from. But what you could do is involve her with as much as she feels comfortable with.
As someone with infertility issues (My husband and I have one son who was a fluke but have been unable to fall pregnant again) and in the time we’ve been trying for number 2 I’ve had several family members and friends have babies and as heartbreaking as it is for us to have those close to us having babies when we can’t have anymore we’re still happy for them and we would never get upset or angry with them about it, it’s not their fault I have infertility issues.
That being said those family members and friends who are aware of our struggles have come to me privately to gently break the news to us knowing it’s a hard pill for us to swallow which I really appreciate.
I have 2 other friends with infertility issues as well who feel the same way I do.
But if you want an abortion that’s also your decision too and no one else should have a say on what you choice to do with your body.
This is a decision you need to make for you, and you alone.
It should not be based off of what your friend is going through.