Almost 40. School age kids and highschool kids.
How do i come to a final decision of being too old to have another baby. I wanted 2. Got 2. Been separated for several yrs. Met someone new and love him and cant help but have that urge of positivity if we accidently fell pregnant. To me life wouldnt be over. Its family.... no one regrets having children!! I especially dont. They are the best parts of life. Partner sometimes ssys he'd love another. Then nxt day says negatives about it. Then dsys or weeks later pro for it. It sends me up and down in emotions about it. I find it really lovely hesrimg positives and feel crushed when he goes back to negatives. He thinks we are too old. Kids almost all in highschool and he wants to enjoy life. A baby would ruin that ides of life he has. Talks about 18 yrs etc of stopping life . I disagree. Yes its a long time but we can still holiday. Still do things. A baby isnt a baby for long and i'd love to have all kids connected by one we make.
I cant just come to terms with being told no.
Then nxt discussion hes all for it. Its confusing.
Has anyone gone to get counselling to help find closure in having no more kids or no more option for them. I cant shake the feeling. I dont neccissarily 100% want one but if it happened naturally i'd never look back with regret
Is this just a woman feeling that cant let go. How do i accept closure if hes set on no.
Also if we fell preg i'd fear he'd think its ruined his life. :(
9 Replies
Are you using protection? To accidentally fall pregnant? I don’t think your partner could claim another child would ruin his life if he’s not using contraception.
Lots of people regret having kids. There's websites and subreddits etc dedicated to people who regret having kids and talking about it in a "safe space". I think it's better to regret a kid you didn't have than one you did have. Enjoy grandkids in the future!
I think you have some fairy tale thinking going on.
Firstly, plenty of people regret a child, usually the last one they have. There is no guarantee that either you, your children or your partner won’t regret any future children.
To think that a baby will bring your children and partner closer is magical thinking. I’d they aren’t bonded now, adding a baby won’t bind them. Babies often have the opposite effect. They are hard work, they cry, they need to sleep a lot and they need to feed a lot. They can’t do the same things as your older children. And you will be sleep deprived. That will have a negative effect on your current children.
People often make the mistake that teenagers don’t need as much attention as toddlers. Big Mistake. Puberty is a huge upheaval and while teenagers sometimes act like they don’t need us, that’s usually when they need us the most.
Personally I’d stop engaging in discussions about babies full stop. If you don’t you’ll continue to be in this circular conversation endlessly. Get your contraceptives locked down. Take it exactly as you should. Having a baby with someone who sounds like they are just having the convo because you bring it up, versus really wanting a baby.
Read the post by the mum who’s marriage ended because she wore her husband down and he had a baby that he didn’t want. It didn’t end well for that family. Wearing someone down isn’t consent. Consent should always be enthusiastic.
I am 41, I had my kids young and was done by 23. I was absolutely sure that was the end but when I got to 35 I fell pregnant unplanned to a one nighter. I was mortified and was going to terminate but miscarried. Initially I was relieved but it kind of set off that instinct again of wanting more and I have been fighting the urge ever since. I remind myself how life changing it will be and how difficult it will be adding a baby to my family now especially when my own kids will be having their own kids in the near future. I want to be able to help my kids with their kids as I didn't have that help with mine. Think logically and listen to his negatives because they are valid.
How long have you been with the partner?
If you’ve lived together less than 18 months, I would strongly urge you not to.
Second long term relationships have a higher failure rate than first....
Don’t do it in the honeymoon period.
I would personally not be having another. It sounds like what you have together is great. Think of all the things you can do with all your kids as they are getting older. I’d be waiting for grand babies ❤️.
A family friend had this urge to "complete" her family and bond their blended family with a baby.
She was in her early 40s at the time.
She and her hubby did end up having a baby. However something they didn't consider was the possibility that their child could (and would) be born with special needs, their child (who's now an adult) needs intensive 24/7 care.
Forget holidays and "doing things", they've barely had a full nights sleep in 20 years and they live under immense financial strain.
They have both been quite candid about their regrets and wishing they'd learned to be content with what they had. They are devoted parents and they love their child firecly but they definitely didn't anticipate that they'd be fulltime carers to their adult child in their 60s.
Unless you have a crystal ball, you can't know you wouldn't regret it. That's not how regret works!
This is a decision that needs to be made with your head, not based on a primal urge. Neither of you sound overly committed to the idea, you yourself admit that you don't necessarily 100% want one, just that you'd go with it if it happened.
I know someone who had similar happen. She had 3 boys and wanted a girl. She got her girl but she was born highly disabled. She loves her but says she would have stopped at 3 if she knew this would have happened.
I too divorced and met a new partner (now my husband). He was still undecided if he wanted children (no previous children). My son was 4 at the time we got together. I think you need to ask yourself if that is a deal breaker for you? I spoke to my husband and let him know, I really wanted another child with him (I never did with my ex) but he had to be 100% on board as it also had to be something he wanted (knowing babies/children can put strain on a relationship). But also let him know, if he decided against it, to give me time to grieve and support me through that, but ensured him it's not a deal breaker as I was very happy with him.
You also need to think about, would you "accidently" fall pregnant, against his wishes (which you are fully aware of) and risk loosing what you currently have? You need to ask yourself, if you would leave him now to pursue the dream of another baby with someone else? Would you find someone in time, or someone who is amazing as he is? Would you risk the love and happiness you feel now?
I was fortunate that my husband did say "yes", and then we tried. I was 41 when we had our son (10 year age gap between my two). He loves being a father, but it was his choice. He now says, he wishes we started sooner so we could have another, but I am now 44 so it's not going to happen.
You need to have that serious discussion and ask those hard questions with him but also within yourself. Good luck