If you earn money, but not as much as your partner, and you have a joint account, should you be able to spend the same amount as them, OR only spend what they deem acceptable which is 10% of your own wage, the same as them, remembering that they earn a substantial amount more than you?
Eg. They earn $1000 = $100 spending
you earn $400 = $40 spending
Or do you both get to have the same amount of spending money?
Although you want to save for potential large expenditures in the future.
I work very hard for the little amount that I earn. I pay all of the utilities including the insurances and fuel for the car out of my wage.
I spend $22 per week on gym and creche membership fees, which he deems a luxury and that's my spending money. He spends his on alcohol, smokes and the occasional takeaway.
I am so upset because we are trying to save for large expenditures coming up in the future as we have bought a house and are just waiting for it to settle. in the time it will take to settle there's a tenant still in there and we will have to pay not only rent but also the mortgage on top (mortgage is higher than tenents current rent) until the tenant vacates, which will be 30 days from settlement.
I have done EVERYTHING to get this house, all of the paperwork including chasing a justice of the peace to get documents signed for identification to get HIS birth certificate so we can settle. I have organised EVERYTHING, home insurance, loan application, the works, I have brokered information between all parties including my partner, realtor, conveyancer and broker.
I feel that I haven't been appreciated for the work I have done which has also included homeschooling 2 kids and a toddler, my own uni work, maintaining a home, wife and all of the above. I take anxiety medication plus much more.
No, he doesn't go out pissing it up nor spend oodles each week on random shit, he spends around $110 per week on a bottle and smokes, maybe a bit more depending on how fast he goes through the packet. I barely spend anything on myself besides the above, but when I do I get asked 'make sure we have enough for the rest of the week.'
Please no nasty comments. I struggling as it is and am trying VERY HARD to keep it together.
31 Replies
No, if you have set a budget and have joint finances it should be 10% for both of you of the total amount, none of this 10% of mine and 10% of yours. Just start spending more, fuck him. If he wants to separate his money then he will have to take all the bills with him.
Agree with above, that's not ok. It's all both of yours, sit him down and ask him why he can spend but you can't, because that's not ok. Tell him from now on, you know we need to save enough for the week, but you will both have an equal, agreed on amount to spend and to save.
he says that he can because he earns that amount and "busts his cunt" each week to earn it so he deserves it
mind you this is the same person that will find time to help his mates but not organise anything for me for my birthday (Iknow petty), but I got home from work on my birthday, literally nothing, him saying he needs to duck out. He went to the adult shop and bought 'me toys'. Not something I wanted. No cake for the kids to enjoy. Nothing. I know it seems very selfish, but I feel so belittled and worthless
So there's your issue. You have kids and you're not in it equally together. But you're doing all the unpaid work of raising children and all the errands and crap. Start billing him if he has that little respect, but that has to change. I'm not sure how you end all that with calling yourself selfish, I think you've dealt with him for too long because the man needs a wake-up.
I think my answer depends on how long you've been together, whether you're married, have kids and if you have potential to earn more. His income isn't exactly high. Yours is very low though. But if you're working to increase your income or affected by covid or caring for kids etc and everything is joint, then I'd agree, your 'total spending money' capacity should be shared equally
Not fair, and I would not buy a house with him, before sorting out this situation.
I don’t know how you can have kids and have bought a house but this hasn’t come up before.. I’m a stay at home mum and my husband and I get the same amount of splurge money to spend as we like. We follow the barefoot investor (loosely) and have both agreed on our budget and how our money is divided up
My husband and i have never had separate money . Its all combined and i earn much more than him but we both share our income evenly. Unless he bought separate debt or loans into the relationship then my opinion is it should be shared spendings and other joint expenses
I think it's fair personally.
My reasoning - I work full time, I also study full time, maintain the house, do all of our filing, do all of the cooking. It's really not that big of an achievement to stay home so I don't get the whole "I do all of this". It's not a job, it's a luxury to be home. If you aren't working for a financial gain then why should you be given the same portion of funds?
So every thing she does at home should go unrecognised and unrewarded? Does it mean nothing worthy at all to you?
Yes, I think it should go unrecognised and unrewarded. It's just things adults have to as part of life, it doesn't make you special that you're able to complete things every single person has to. The reward is that she lives in a clean home and has food in her belly.. some women are so bloody entitled, you don't deserve money for doing some housework and looking after children (you chose) to have.
But if you don't have to have your kids in care all the time because you're working, if you choose to raise them and your husband is on the same page, like hey, let's one of us work less and they can be present for the kids and help the other work, theyre definitely not doing nothing or worthless work. They're working as a team but he's taking all the money the 'team' makes because he gets to be in the income part of it and I would definitely say that's the easiest part (especially if you have a full time parent/housekeeper at home!) I couldn't imagine saying, no I've earned this and you haven't.
Again I see both sides. My husband and I both earn similar wages. So our money is joint... No his and hers anything. But during both of my maternity leaves when I received half my normal salary for 12 months and when my husband has worked part time for various reasons like recovering from surgery etc, we both reduced our own spending money by our own decision because we realised our contribution to our combined income was reduced. I think sometimes you need to consider what is equitable, rather than equal.
That's a really awful take. Stay at home mums and part time working mums work damn hard and are contributing to the household (and society by raising the next generation of taxpayers). The unpaid physical and emotional labour that (primarily) mothers do is still criminally undervalued and contributes to keeping women trapped in situations that they shouldn't be in.
Terrible comment and this is why women think they should be doing everything so the husband is free to earn the big $ without a care to kids or the household. Then have the cheek to say you don't deserve equality in your household because you aren't working full time. Unreal. Go back to the 1950's where your attitude is.
Steph is a nurse and Jack is a tradie. They get married and BOTH decide to have kids. They both work still but it is hard juggling everything as Steph works different shifts and Jack's decided to go out on his own and start his own business. He desperately wants to apply for contracts to really get his business off the ground but he can't because of Steph's work and nobody else to look after the kids. They both discuss it and decide its worth Jack giving his business a full crack which means Steph will need to find another job with less hours. She now works 20 hours a week at a clinic bringing home a third of her hospital wage and Jack has picked up a few contracts which means he's very busy, hardly home but is now pulling in some big $ for his business from which he pays himself an amazing wage. Something he would not have been able to do if Steph didn't sacrifice her own job. They still share money and both have equal access because Jack's not a cunt.
Yep the working parent needs some respect for how fucking hard to co-ordinate working life with kids is.
Full time working single mum here.....who got a mortgage....the line that really irked me in this was.....I’ve done EVERYTHING to get this house....everything except maybe work and provide the wage to pay for it...Who complains about organising the paperwork for a mortgage when your partner is out working full time?
Jesus all you ladies are acting like there’s no such thing as this magical service where you send your kids to be looked after whilst you go to work 😂
If you decide it’s better for your situation to stay home, you aren’t doing a job nor are you providing anything to society except taking taxpayers money to get your family tax benefits and whatever else you can scrounge off of the working class.
My “1950s” view comes solely from the fact women like myself work bloody hard to pay taxes yet other women think they’re doing a job by staying home, with NO thanks to all the other women out there making it possible by paying taxes high enough to allow them to!
Not everyone can send their kids off to be cared for by someone else. Not everyone works 9-5. I don't even have a daycare where I live, it's a mining town so it is common to have one parent earning a high income while the other stays home. The working parent pays enough tax for both of them and then some. I also love how you think that sahm or part time working mums aren't contributing tax while you're using daycare full time and a majority of that is paid for by the tax man, you're also a single mum so get most if not all of your tax back at the end of the year not to mention the Centrelink you would still be getting so that makes you more of a mooch than a SAHM partner of a high income earner.
No wonder you think it's easy if you've always handed your kids over to be looked after by someone else and not done it yourself 😂
I'm actually commenting as a solo full time mum with no support network, that works and studies. Child care is my only way to arrange work or free time. I have stayed home with them for a few years or months here and there when they were very young, so I'm commenting from experience that working (with a house-wife) is the easier of the two roles IN A PARTNERSHIP.
OP of this original comment, there’s a few other people commenting in support of what I’m saying.
I’m happily married however I do not believe women should be rewarded nor recognised for their housework or kid raising. No one is going to sway me nor will I ever change my view on that. I’ve been a SAHM and it’s something I hated and wouldn’t ever do again.
I'm just confused how thinking both people should contribute financially is 1950s? Isn't 1950s attitude more in line with men working and women staying home and being financially taken care of? To be clear, I'm not taking a side... I'm just confused by that comment. It seems backwards???
It's more the disregard to housework and childcare as a valuable contribution to her family and being punished for it, while he gets rewarded for being the bread winner. That is 1950s and we have tried to move away from that, even our court system recognises it as a valuable contribution.
I actually agree. I respect that others don't see it the same way but based on my experiences I chose to work and be financially independent. Both of us work, both of us take care of children, house, other commitments around work schedules.
I spend money when I want, where I want, on what I want - as long as the bills are paid first and I do so without guilt as it's my wage.
The reward in being a SahM isn't financial. It's the ability to spend that time with your kids that others don't get. It's the ability to take care of the house, the errands, appointments etc without having to factor in your shift. Just as it was my choice to work and have that income, it's an equally valid choice for some to stay at home and get their "income" in time.
On the flip side. The working parent sacrifices so much time. No sports days, swimming carnivals, fetes, parents days etc. Just whatever they can cram in on their days off, around trying to psych themselves up for the following week. They sacrifice time with their kids to provide for their kids, not to make spending money for their spouse. To me, the idea of being a "kept" woman (or man) is the 50's mindset.
Is it wrong? Who knows. But what it shows is that people are pretty different based on their personal experiences. Wrong, right, fair, unfair. It's all subjective.
What you guys need to do is split your bills more fairly. The whole I pay this you pay that NEVER WORKS. Sort that out, see what it does to your disposable income and if you still feel it's unbalanced maybe see if he'd like to go part time for a while and you be the breadwinner for a bit.
Its not about gender roles it's about two adults working together once they have kids, because it's really hard to make it work no matter what you do. If that's how it ends up, the one making the $$ make all the decisions and live it up and watch the housewife/husband be povvo is definitely 1950s.
You put my thoughts into words so well. It is about sacrifice. He is sacrificing time to provide the bulk of the household income. Mum is sacrificing income to be around for the kids more. It's about equity, not equality. Things don't need to be exactly the same to be fair. The whole picture needs to be considered. E.g. if the household income was higher, I'd consider this grossly unfair. But the combined income isn't that much, and his spending money isn't super big either. Especially for a smoker given the cost of them. Sounds like he has himself in a budget too.
Well she's saying he spends 110 a week on smokes and booze and comments to her to watch the spending any time she does. The third option is that she spends more and he spends less on booze and smokes if the budget doesn't allow it.
To the OP that thought it was fair. You come across as quite arrogant in your views and you seemingly look down on stay at home mums. I work full time, but I also think in a relationship it's a 50/50 thats across contribution, time, effort, cleaning, money, raising kids... etc. It's a balance and each couple needs to find the sweet spot that works for them, their family, kids, financial responsibilities etc. Yep he earns more, so he contributes more for his family, if she works less she would be doing more the child rearing responsibilities so that she is supporting him to earn more. FOR HIS FAMILY.
I'd book some marriage counseling. Remind him you busted YOUR are to have and raise the kids.