My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have 2 children. During those 14 years we have had some great time, no doubt about it. But we have had some really crappy times to.
He has a drinking problem, which I have tried to address on many occasions. When he is drinking he is arrogant, rude, can be nasty, so careless.
I have been in a marriage where I feel very lonely, unloved, unappreciated for a very long time.
The past few months I made the decision to leave. I have saved some money, iv been buying household items and storing them at a friend's house. I had planned on staying untill after Christmas, however the area I live in it's very hard to get into the rental market. A rental has come up, and it's mine if I want it.
When I told my husband he was actually shocked. He was hurt. We have had lots of good conversations over the past few days, he is begging me to stay. Saying he will change. He has admitted he has a drinking problem, and we talked About why he drinks. I feel like for my kids I need to stay and give it 1 last shot. But I can't help that feeling of being so ready to go. I have tried talking to him many times about how I am feeling, his drinking, this life and how unhappy I am it's fallen on deaf ears for so long, and now I am ready to walk he decided he wants to do something about it! How can I stay after the way he has treated me for so long? I know if it was my friend, or my daughter what I'd be telling them.
Has anyone fallen out of love with their husband, and with changes fallen back in love and been able to stay together?
I am worried that if I stay, and in a few months time I decide I can't do it that I won't get a rental in the area and I'll have to take the kids further away from school.
He has said if I stay and it doesn't work he will leave. But I can't stay in the house. We have a bit of land, a massive yard. I just wouldn't be able to keep up with the maintenance. (Which kills me to admit)
He says 1 more shot, what do we have to lose.. I feel like I have time to lose. And that iv lost so much time here already!
I am so confused on what to do! I thought it would be easier! But he has surprised me with his reaction I truely thought he was unhappy being here also, just didn't have the courage to do anything about it.
Has anyone been in similar situation... Do you have any advice?
9 Replies
I would leave and take up the rental. You can still work on your relationship living in seperate houses if that’s what you decide you want to do
Take the rental.
The only reason this separation isn’t a a genuine surprise to him. You’ve been telling him there are problems and he just has refused to take you seriously.
The sudden promises to improve are often a panic when they’ve ‘suddenly realised’ you have hit your limit, and so he has to try and regain control of the situation by making wild promises that most likely won’t get followed through on.
Take the rental.
If he is serious about doing the work and seeing the error of his ways, he will do the work while you live separately, get his shit together and then you can decide if there is genuinely a relationship to work on.
The chances of him following through if you stay, are extremely slim.
Take the rental!!! Let him show you he’s changed before you make any further decisions. You said you feel you should stay for the kids, I disagree, you should definitely leave for the kids. Take the rental - you deserve it!!!!
Leave. If he’s going to change then he will whether you are there or not. Moving out is not necessarily walking away from the relationship. Sometimes it’s giving parties a breathing space
You’ve stayed for 14 Years! Enough is enough. Perhaps he’s worried about who’s going to look after him when you’re gone, I’m assuming you do everything around the house while he’s being drunk and abusive? Maybe that might be part of the reason he’s being desperate. Not your problem. Time for him to grow the hell up, sort himself out, while you’re living safely in your rental. Take the rental!
Go and then see what he actually does. If he's serious he should do it for himself, not you. Actions speak louder than words
This sounds like my life and partner who also drinks. I would say leave I've been in this situation and been told they will change only for it to then go back to the same life again and again. I think your kids will be hurt but will also be thankful that your got them out of the house.
I think give it 3 months and see if he will attend counseling. Just know change is hard for most people so he may or may not be able to even if he want to. I have been divorced and it's not always better or grass greener on the other side.
Leave. His recovery is a very very long road and you can support him from a distance. He isn’t capable of loving you until he learns to love himself. You say you should stay for the kids.... let me tell you as a child of an alcoholic the best thing you can do for your children is leave.... staying does not help them, it harms them because it teaches them all the wrong ways of communicating, codependent love, accepting less then what they deserve etc. It was a huge relief the day my mother decided enough was enough and she couldn’t change him and it was time to leave. We still had a positive relationship
with our Dad and my parents relationship was better apart then together. Please take this opportunity to start a new life while still
Supporting your husband. Do not get drawn into the codependency and emotional manipulation. It is not your job to change/fix him. Put your efforts into yourself and your children.