My story is really long but I will try and shorten it as much as possible because I really need some help with what to do. My husband of 20 years gave up on us last year, I was unhappy which made him unhappy and instead of trying to work things out he just withdrew and stopped talking to me until I couldn't take it anymore then said we are done and basically quit on us. Basically he decided we should separate then had a mental breakdown which I supported him through, doctors even questioned why I would do that but then after he had counselling which "worked wonders for him" he wouldnt even consider counselling etc to work on our stuff. He told the kids but when doing so told them it would all be ok and we would always be a family. Then one night he got drunk and yelled and screamed at me in front of the kids to get out of his house. A few weeks after that I got approved for a rental and moved out. I told him I didn't want any of his shit, he could have the house and business, I just took what I needed to set up my new house for me and the kids. He had a lawyer before I even moved out and got a financial agreement set up which was 100% for his benefit and totally fked me over but despite legal advice I signed it to make him happy and move on. I was thinking we were separating with the intention of working on our own separate issues before working on our joint issues then working on getting our family back together and spent many hours with a psychologist helping me towards this. Meanwhile my friend who I thought would support me through this was ignoring my messages etc and if she did talk to me would ask how he was more than me and then stopped answering me at all. I asked him straight out a few times if anything was going on between them and he flat out denied it but the day our financial settlement was finalized he confirmed they were seeing each other. I was completely broken and struggled to deal with it or be around him and we had issues with her being around our kids etc but then 2months later he said they had broken up. He was upset about it and I helped him through that time and we started spending time together and with our kids. Yes we did sleep together which was 100% initiated by him. He told me he was done with her, she had treated him and our child badly and was generally not a nice person, which he had also told me over the years I was friends with her but I defended her and didnt listen to him. We had a few months where we were getting along really well and spending time together and he was telling me he wasn't even talking to her but now all of a sudden they are back together " picking right back up where they left off" and apparently I am the bad person and damaging my kids because I am not happy for them. I guess my question is how tf donI move on from this? I love him but I hate him. I hate her even more. I cannot support their relationship and really dont want my kids around them but I have no say what he does in his time with them. So many of my/our friends have reached out saying they think what he had done is awful but no one can or will tell him that. I need to work out how to co parent with him and keep our kids safe and happy
10 Replies
You need to cut him off for good. You need to stop supporting him and being his back up when they fight. I wouldn’t let me kids around her at all. Think about how your poor kids feel in this because he obviously doesn’t. You are way too nice to him, to even have had him back at all. Stop it with him! you move on my making him think you have. I bet he will hate you being happy with someone else. focus on you, your kids and cut him off. If it’s nothing to do with the kids don’t speak to him at all else you’ll never get past it. They both sound perfect for each other.
We have shared care of the kids though so I have to see him every few days. I don't want my kids around her at all but he keeps telling me I have no say in what he does them in his time and I need to be happy for my kids whatever tf thats supposed to mean!
You are doing everything to make him happy. Why would you? Stop doing it now. He is taking advantage of that. Time to get tough. They would be laughing at you. Move on , be happy and have the last laugh because there is more out there for you and better.
I dont know how to stop doing that 😥
So sorry about all this & what it’s putting you through. Sounds like he literally is using you to his advantage. Realize how much YOU matter. Your feelings matter and while he doesn’t seem to care or recognize that right now put yourself above his needs. Do not go back to that pattern of supporting/helping him. Yes there are kids but you can remain civil and communicate as long as it is strictly related to the kids. Do not allow that behavior to continue. It will be extremely hard at first but I can reassure you that in a few months it will be like as if it magically stops hurting and making you feel bad. One day you just realize how mest up this whole thing was and how much more self love you have within you. Love yourself above anything else. <3
It is so hard!! He has always said he wants us to be friends and that we will always be family and thats what I wanted but I think I need to forget that and learn how to put myself first
There's nothing to be confused about here, and when the pain fog clears you'll see it.
All of his actions say he doesn't want to be with you. Now I don't know the ins and outs of the separation - people split, but you're clinging to someone that doesn't want a relationship with you anymore and in doing so you're letting him treat you like shit right in front of your kids.
This wasn't a split to work on yourselves. He got a lawyer for financial settlement. That is in no way a let's live separately for a little while and see how we go. That is a resounding it's DONE.
Then, he fucked your friend. In hindsight hardly a friend worth having. That is also not an action with eventual reconciliation in mind.
And, just from what you've mentioned (I'm sure there's stacks more poor behaviour), he sucks up to you and uses you for a free root. Knowing how you feel, knowing he doesn't feel the same. He'll put his cock before your emotional well-being.
Now it's time to stand up for yourself.
You don't have to support his future relationships. They're not your problem.
If friends won't say anything they're his friends, not yours. Get your own.
Co-parent as best you can. Always in writing via email or text. The lawyer biz in the split tells me he's a dog. Have everything in writing. Take advice from other parents doing it already.
You've got this. Teach your kids how a strong woman reacts to adversity.
Thank you for your opinion, it was harsh but true! I know I need to take this advice and have decided to do everything I can to make sure my kids dont think this treatment is right
I know it's harsh, on top of a broken heart it's like a kick in the guts - but it's really a timely kick up the ass. You can't keep going like this.
I want you to find happy. And find your tribe.
I want your kids to see you pick yourself up and thrive.
My mum never did.
There is a lot of shuffling around - separate, together, separate etc.
Just end it. You've already moved out, just don't participate in a sexual/loving relationship with him any further. Only interact with in a parental aspect and thats it.
Stop doing things to make him feel better.