My husband had a female work mate that he got close to. She changed jobs and they all had a night out when she left. He got home at 4am and I’ve heard all of 2 stories from that night. Although I have felt a bit strange about it all I hadn’t mentioned anymore about it until the other day when he was being paranoid with his phone so I questioned him on it. Asked whether he had spoken to her since she left. He told me only once. The next day I asked him to show me the messages from her (I don’t have access to his phone as he is so over the top even if I pick it up) he said yes but then when he opened his messages to show me he had deleted them all. He never deletes messages. He still has some on there from years ago. When I asked why his only response was “I don’t know” I think there must of been a reason why he felt the need to delete them all. Im at a loss of what to think or do next.
28 Replies
Probably deleted them because he knows you'll lose your mind freaking out over things. He's probably used to you always being suspicious. Doesn't mean it was anything sinister so why are you demanding he show you his phone? He didn't go out with her on his own , the full group went. I see this as a complete over reaction.
Well maybe you're naive because I've been cheated on a few times by different men and the above post has cheater written all over it. You're only dumb once.
Sorry but if you have been cheated on by numerous men then you are the problem.
Yes, you're right lol. I keep finding loser men.
So you act weird towards your partner after you have been out with friends? Why would someone act like that if it was an innocent night? When I go out I tell my husband everything that happened, not because I have to but because I feel like it and excited about my night out. We can also touch each other's phones without getting weird about it. If one of us is driving or in the shower etc and there's a message, we read it for each other. The fact there is several behaviours here that hint at cheating makes your very dismissive and assuming reply quite rude. Yes we can all be friends with the opposite sex but you wouldn't delete messages if there was nothing to hide and if your partner was the jealous type you would keep them there as proof that they're nothing to worry about.
Agreed. That responder was just nasty. Glad someone responded with care
Well aren’t you just lovely!!
So much for women having each other’s backs.
I don’t know is standard man explanation for I’d rather act dumb than tell you why.
Yes the msgs may have been nothing to worry about but he still felt the need to delete them- I’d be pissed and worried!
My thoughts exactly. If there was nothing to hide, why delete them. We usually have a very honest relationship and tell each other everything but this just isn’t sitting right with me.
Definitely sounds like something is up. I would be treating this situation like something happened. What you do from there is up to you but trust would be gone.
That’s where the problem is…I don’t know what to do next. If there is no trust there is no relationship but I don’t want it to be over I just don’t know how to move passed it.
Well that's because you think you love him, it's hard to break it off. But you're worth more and after you leave you'll realise you're actually not as happy as you think with him, you can't possibly be with all of this going on. You'll be much happier single or with someone in a relationship where none of this shit would ever happen. And you'll cringe that you spent so long doing this to yourself with this fool here.
You can’t move past it when it’s still happening. He is cheating for sure. Seen it way too many times. Keep snooping around for answers. When he’s asleep go through his phone. Follow him, anything just find out more. I garuntee you will. It’s up to you if you can live with a cheater, I know I can’t. I’d be gone.
It's either one of two scenarios.
1. The messages aren't innocent and he is genuinely hiding something.
2. He felt the need to preemptively delete the messages to avoid this exact drama.
It's not a good look in his part for sure but I also think a lot of women border on controlling when it comes to their partners phones and friendships with the opposite sex.
If my partner demanded to see messages I exchanged with my male co-worker friends or even just expected to have access to my phone in order to check what I was doing, he'd be told to sod right off.
My husband wouldn't need to ask. He and I have full access because we have nothing to hide. And if we ever did look at each other's phone, having messages deleted would be one of the worst case scenarios because that would only happen if there was something suspicious [ we'd done a factory reset for another reason and lost everything or something].
I wouldn't necessarily call it cheating however, once lying gets involved in your relationship trust is out the door. Without trust I have no respect and I can't hitch my wagon to someone I neither trust nor respect.
No trust, no relationship. I just don’t know where to go from here.
Where you go next is up to you.
Do you want to try to build your trust back or are you done?
If you need to ask to see his messages - your trust is already askew.
Or his trust worthiness is. Honestly I don't have a strong opinion either way because I don't know the OP and her husband. So I think, asking to see it shows an issue. But whether it is a small r big issue nd who the issue is with depends on what this couple are normally like etc
Sounds like you're suspicious, have just cause, history, he's not being an open book, so you've lost trust. I wouldn't trust him either. You don't need proof of cheating to realise a relationship is wrong, loss of trust is it.
There is more with this women and I think he has been cheating. You need to keep snooping and play dumb to him until you find out more. He is def upto something. Go with your gut here.
Remember if you let him get away with it now, you are setting yourself up for heartache in the future and setting a standard that you will accept and he knows it. So you need to be harsh on this else you are going to live a life of him cheating. He is def cheating. Check his phone when he is asleep or in the shower anything. Follow him when he goes out at random times. You need to know more then deal with it best you can but right now, they’d be laughing behind your back pretty much if they are upto no good which id say they are. Don’t be naive.
Where there's smoke there's fire. I've been cheated on and this sounds suspicious to me. My ex-husband would delete messages and was super protective of his phone. He never left it lying around, it was always on him.
Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing 🤷♀️
Two things,
There is clearly a lot more going on in yours and his relationship. The fact that your trust in your partner is so low the first question you should ask yourself irrespective of marital status is should you both actually be together? If you can't trust him you don't have a strong relationship and either need to put in work or move on as it will undo you in the long run.
Secondly it's his phone you shouldn't have "access" to it that said if he's not comfortable with you using his phone is a) he knows your going to go through it and kick up stuff out of nothing or b) he's being shady as hell and if not with her someone else.
The fact you are both so clearly mistrusting and out of sync tells me you both have bigger issues in your relationship and need to have a genuine discussion about where y'all at.
At the end of the day your adults and choose to be with each other wholeheartedly or not at all.
My hubby has always deleted his messages right away too and we don’t ever touch each other’s phones but I had a ‘gut’ feeling a few years back and he actually had a female co-worker over at our house while the kids and I were away. Lied about it too but I got video evidence and sent it to him while she was still in my house. He said they just ‘get along’. I lost my shit but he swears nothing happened but that yes it possibly would have if I’d not caught them out!!. Took ages to get some trust back but tbh I have too much other shit to deal with now too so I guess I care less now 🤷♀️ Oh and I confronted her too. Silly bitch basically blew it off as normal in her own relationship to behave that way but I made it clear I was pissed 😠
Just go with your gut though and do what you can ‘live’ with 🙃
If you really felt there was not anything to this and you felt you could honestly trust him you would not be questioning his behaviour. We unconsciously pick up warning signs as well. You know him and if he is distant, flirtatious, less affectionate around this time etc. Trust yourself. My ex kept telling me I was overreacting and it was all in my head and yet he had slept with most of his female work colleagues. It was embarrassing for me to find out how many there were. I had to realise I didn't need to know the number in the end, if I couldn't trust him and felt distant our relationship was already over. People who cheat dont realise you know long before you know. Trust your feelings x