Hi all. This is a bit lengthy but would love some advice.
My best friend has been with her husband for 7 years. He proposed after 6 months and she felt pressured to say yes. The wedding was all about him and what he wanted. They jad a baby and he took off to another state for 8 months for his "health" and left them behind. Since then, he is constantly taking off for weeks at a time because he feels its the best thing for him and his health. He doesnt cRe that his wife says she and their child need him, he has to put himself first. He has been promising for years that he is getting some big payout but never comes to fruition. Always an excuse as to why. They live qith his mum, child of 4 has never had her own room. He took off again recently and is now refusing to come home (melbourne) because its just not safe with Covid. Said to wofe "how would she feel if he died because he came home amd got covid". It goes on and on amd this is just high levelled. I despise him so mich. Want her out of this marriage. As does her mum and sister. I see this as a form of domestic, emotional abuse. He is very good at saying the right things, but never actioning
Wondering how as a i friend i sit back at watch all this...
16 Replies
She is very much to blame here as she is being pretty stupid by staying. You can't fix stupid, she needs to do this for herself. Absolutely give her options out, offer for her to stay with you or make sure her family have told her she can stay with them. She does not need to be there. With him gone months at a time she can leave while he's gone.
That's a bit harsh to call her stupid - these guys can be horribly manipulative and make you doubt every single thought you have. She was probably very naive and has no basis to see this is not what a relationship looks like. She's not the one at fault here and we need to stop victim blaming. We cannot assume everyone has the same education and life experience as us.
Thank you i completely agree with you. She is a victim in this. He is so manipulative and as i said he knows how to say the right things. Am i wrong in seeing this as a form of DV? It breaks my heart every day to see this is her life. Im very brital amd honest with her, and i think deep down she know. I mean if she didnt want to hear what i say, she wouldnt open up to me. But every time i think i hVe her convinced its not right, he manages to talk his way around it
It might be harsh but she can see she's getting treated badly, in which case how do you help someone that won't help themselves? She can leave, easier than most as she's not even in her own home and he is in another state. She just needs to pack up her stuff and go. He is taking her for granted, she knows it, yes she's stupid for staying. When she finally leaves she will probably say she was stupid for staying so long too, most of us say it, I was also stupid for staying with my ex.
I would put money on it that he has a second family. Can she afford to hire a private investigator to suss him out. Where does he stay when he leaves the state? Does he have a job?
Why bother wasting money? Even if he's not seeing anyone else he's still leaving his family for weeks at a time for no reason, she should leave regardless
That has actually been my thiught too. Nope he hasnt worked in 4 years...but apparently a job he did for 3 months paid him enough to keeping giving him a weekly pay...everything Bout this guy is suss. She is very religious and i think she feels trapped. She has her faith and that qhen she makes a commitment she has to stick to it. I told her if it qasnt for covid i wpuld ve driving to hers, packing her and her daughters bags and sragging her out of there
I hate religion that makes women feel as though they have to put up with shit like this.
I've been reading comments.
With the covid thing, there is an exemption where if you're helping someone flee from a domestic violence situation, you can travel outside 5 km. Call the covid hotline to get clarification. If you need to travel across state lines, organize permits.
It should be stressed to her that she's got more power in this than she realises. Does she have access to the internet? She can Google his name and TFN to see if he has an ABN. There's no way he could survive months at a time without dipping into funds she obviously knows nothing about. Speaking to the ATO would be good AND setting up parenting payment would be key to getting her financially ready for next steps.
She needs to contact VIC legal aide.
She needs to walk away regardless of her religion or ethics. His moral compass is zero.
You also need to look after your mental health and safety. You cannot save everyone.
It’s really hard to watch a person stay in these situations and to be honest I’ve had to distance myself from some friendships to protect my own mental health. It does take a toll.
At one point I told a friend I’d no longer listen to her whinge about her partner treat her like shit. She was choosing to stay in that situation and if she couldn’t see that she had better options I wasn’t going to buy into being the shoulder to cry on anymore. I told her I’d help her if she was ready to leave but until then she needed to find another venting outlet!
Agreed.
Do you think he is doing drug runs in Melbourne? Hes up to somethibg suss thats providing him with money
I feel like I know the answer for this question before I even type it out but is there anyone within her church/faith that has a more enlightened and modern philosophy? Or even just someone with a modicum of common sense within her religion that she looks up to an respects who could talk with her and help her see that moving on from this awful man doesn't mean she has abandoned her faith.
Sadly, I know that's a long shot. Your friend has probably been brainwashed and conditioned by these very people into believing that in the eyes of whatever god it is she believes in, it's her duty as a wife to be subservient to her husband no matter the cost and despite his behaviour. That's probably why she's having such trouble leaving, where most non religious folk would have been out the door long ago.
Would she leave with you if you were to go get her?
Helping a friend escape an emotionally abusive torment would surely come under the act of compassion exemption.
If she's not ready to leave, you may just need to take a step back for your own wellbeing. Being an emotional dumping ground for someone living in an abusive situation takes a toll. I know that much from experience.
The hard thing is, every time i think she is starting to see what i see (and others) she gets sucked bCk in by him amd doesnt see Nything is wrong. But you're right it does mentally take a toll on me as it just kills me that she cant fully see him for what he is.
This grub of a bloke has has a second family.
Do you think he may have already been paid out and he just hasn't told her? Where else would the weekly money be coming from if he doesn't work? I doubt he's living his best life on the dole at $200 a week. There's something going on there and he's definitely not still getting a salary from a job he's finished at.