I need advice.
My son who is 14 suffers from anxiety. I have known this since he was young because simple things like getting a haircut or going to swimming classes or anything out of the normal was always a big issue. He was shy and quite clingy and difficult at times. Anxiety runs in the family his father suffers from anxiety and so does his grandfather. As he started school and through the years he seemed to be able to cope better with these new and changing situations and grew quite confident in himself and around his friends. In fact he now seem very confident and even cocky at times which I personally think may be masking an actual lack of.
However this year his anxiety is worse than ever and mixed with puberty things are quite hard.
He is in grade 8 and doesn’t like the school he’s going to and has had a few issues with some other kids. He has been into a couple of scraps with other kids last term.
Both times he did not make the first move but just retaliated both kids and my son got suspended as it is his words that have pushed the other kids to lash out. I also found out that as a result one of these boys friends have kept thing going and have been bullying him like making slit throat gestures, puffing out there chests and intimidating him for nearly a month. This has created a lot of anxiety about going to school. Teachers and everyone is aware and it got sorted out by the end of the term so we thought everything was going to be all good but he just hates the school and he’s begging me to change schools. He can be quite negative at times and I always thought that he was hating school because of typical boy attitude. He does tend to have a negative attitude about things and I thought if he changed his attitude things would get better. Every time he hits a bump he just gives up and throws in the towel. Every mole hill is a huge mountain for him and the anxiety built up around every issue keeps it going on and influences his behavior which makes everything worse. It is not the first time he has talked about wanting to die or saying silly things like I just wanna kill myself and he is super angry at me today for making him go to this school. For a mother this is terrifying as it actually happens at this age and it is all too real. The question is should I change his school to try to make him happy? I am reluctant to because in a way it feels like it’s a message to say when things get hard just give up and go somewhere else. Im scared that the same thing will happen at another school.
I have tried to reach out for help but no one has got back to me and for my son the anxiety of going to see someone will be so bad that I would have to physically drag him kicking and screaming which I can’t.
My partner can’t deal with it and just gets angry which makes everything worse. I am trying to be supportive and calm and caring but I’m not sure I can deal with another term like the last one.
Would you change his schools? His only other option is a much larger public school where he would just get lost. But I think that is what he wants. I am also reaching out to see if any one else is dealing with something similar and has any tips tools or strategies to build resilience and coping skills and manage anxiety.
Much appreciated.
Advice needed. Anxiety in teenage son.
Advice needed. Anxiety in teenage son.
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
4 Replies
Try a Behavioural therapist. You don’t need a referral, just find one in your area.
Also of course your GP for a mental health plan and psychology assessment. Get a referral to a psychiatrist and get them to run blood tests, do scans, urine tests. Please don’t let yourGP medicate him until this is done.
My son went through this too and we changed schools and started medication. He was much happier. When it gets to this point it's worth changing schools, don't force him to go where he's scared. We wouldn't stay at a workplace as adults if we absolutely hated it and were getting physically intimidated by work mates so I don't know why we expect our kids to put up with it. It's not an attitude problem it's a mental health problem and the sooner he gets help the better.
The thing with anxiety is they do give up very quickly, its a low resilience, because theyre already working so hard and out of their comfort zone, worrying so much, the hint that it wont work out and theyre out of there.
So what they want isnt always what they need, as you say. But you also know you need to do something. What you need to do is get him help for his anxiety. Work on his resilience. Work on his anxious thoughts, get him to a place where he can cope with change and noise and everyday stresses.
Get him coping.
He needs strategies. He needs a professional to teach him. And he learns and practices. Its hard work.
One strategy is resolving issues and from that, realising nothing is permanent (anxious thinking is extreme and permanent) but he needs you to model ways to handle it and that you can solve problems and things get better again. It takes practice for them to start to see and believe, and then be able to do it for themselves. For now, you need to do it for him. Keep on reassuring him the good points, its not all bad.
And if youve tried and youre doing everything and its just not for him then definitely consider changing. Im not saying ignore his wishes and send him regardless. Just first priority to fixing this has to be getting him help.
Change schools. If the school is not addressing it now, they never will.
If you were at a job where you were being physically threatened, management didn't care and your mental health was suffering to the point where you were thinking about suicide, would you stay or quit?
Your son is threatening suicide. Get him out of there.