Hey everyone!
A little context: I have been with my step son’s father for 6 years in December. Said child will be turning 8 this year, so I have been around since he was 2 years old.
We have have visitation with him every second weekend and half of the school holidays.
Recently, as in from Christmas holidays to now, he repeatedly disrespects us- mainly me, we ask him to do something he either says no or just ignores our requests and does what he wants to do. He tells his little brother (half brother who is almost 2) to do things that he knows are naughty just to get him into trouble, he does things to purposely hurt his little brother as well. We have tried time outs, taking things away from him, not being able to go to fun places and do fun things, I’ve sat down with him and asked him why he is being naughty for me, if he does it for anyone else (that answer is always no, he’s only naughty for me), I’ve explained to him I’m not trying to be his mum that I want to be his friend and be able to do fun things with him but can’t while his behaviour is bad, I’ve explained the things he’s doing is hurting my feelings or his brothers feelings, I’ve had calm conversations with him about if maybe something else is happening for him to act out but that answer is always no as well. His behaviour can range from purposely putting snot in places, to being violent with his brother, to just being defiant.
He has his chores here which he does, but it seems the only time he doesn’t do as he is told is when I’m looking after him while his dad is at work. I’m at a loss on how to deal with the situation, it honestly tears us apart as a family when he comes to visit, it causes my partner and I to argue because he thinks he shouldn’t have to talk to him about his behaviour or tell him that it’s not nice because well dad guilt for not living close to him- his ex moved them 2 and a half hours away from us about 2 years ago.
Any help on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.
What can I do to get my step son to respect our rules.
What can I do to get my step son to respect our rules.
Posted in:
Kids
23 Replies
It’s got to come from his Dad. If his father isn’t willing to step in then you have to step out of a caring role.
My stepchild would be warned twice if not doing as I say, third time is a smack. I smacked her twice in all those 7 years and the second warning does the trick now.
You smack a kid that's not yours? I'm in two minds about this. Sometimes they need a smack, yes. But it shouldn't come from you.
Jesus 🤦♀️
Love to hear from this poor kid when she's older....
If a partner of my kids Dad hit my kids I would never let her near them again.
To be honest anything could be happening for the child because hes not giving away anything and youre just talking at him, lecturing that you dont want to be his mum or hes only a shit for you, its all noise to him as hes switched off and this confrontation seems to be just what he wants, probably reinforces his feelings whether theyre resentment at being left in your care or you taking his dad and having a baby or just missing his mates, or he doesnt gel with your style, it honestly could be anything.
I think you need to flip it to a positive reward system. Catch him being awesome and line up the rewards. Ask him if hes that awesome for everyone or just for you. Turn the relationship around.
Your second issue is your partner. Sure he doesnt want to discipline in such a short visit and make it negative. I can understand that and he has a point. But of course you cant let this go on, where youre coming down strict and hes not interesting so the gap is growing. There is a level he needs to step up, but you both need to agree on what it is. What is the consequence for each of these behaviours? Set it out and agree on it.
Dad can definitely dangle carrots, like, " if youre helpful today, we can go out for icecream tonight" missing out doesn't mean its a negative time, its still a fun night, but there is a consequence. Remember you yourself can dangle things like this for when dad is home as well. Just make sure you use it positively, the idea is to catch him getting it, to give lots of chances and encourage him to get it, not to sabotage, discipline or come down on him and snap it away.
Do you have a good relationship with his mum?
Co parenting is a good idea and consistency is important.
It might sound condescending but drawing up a rule board that all of you can agree on is a good idea.
Explain the positive praise reward system and consequences for violence. I mean, violence of any type means an absolute no. So a reward praise system might be like a bank account.
Help brother clean up toys without being asked .... 2 pts.
Doing all chores without being asked more than once ... 5 pts.
Whatever chart you want....
But clearly state that points (house points) are deducted for anyone who violates them.
Violence... 15 points
Swearing ... 10 p.
Not listening... 5 p.
Whatever. Those points are deducted either on a daily basis and recorded so he can see the points go up and down.
That goes for the adults too... ie. swearing costs house points.
I would stop asking or implying that someone is putting him up to it. Especially if this is a sudden pattern in the last few months.
It could be a reactive behaviour to something going on in his own personal space at school, so bullying. If you are actively involved in his education, contact his teacher. Ask if there's anything happening at school that might be affecting him. If it started end of school year, school holidays then there's been a change in his environment.
I wish you the best of luck.
If dad won’t step up, you won’t get anywhere with discipline.
I’d also praise the shit out of him when he is doing good things (anything). I’d also make sure he is getting plenty of time with dad alone. Step kids need 1:1 time with there bio-parent.
Is dad around much or is he out all the time while you are left to do all of the parenting?
So to answer a few question: I possibly skimmed a lot in trying to keep it succinct.
His bio mum wants nothing to do with our time with him, there is no contact from her at all in the time we have him, we try to talk with her about things that arise when he is with us and ask about school and what not but we get accused of questioning what happens in her care and when we try to explain that we just want to help and understand to help him with what ever is happening then we get no reply or the conversation is shut down completely on her end. We have even asked what discipline/reward system she uses so that we can adopt the same so there is consistency between the two houses and nothing.
Dad is around quite a lot but there are times when his work schedule is busy, we try to organise our visits around when he has majority of the days off but sometimes that can’t happen. They do have a lot of 1:1 time with together. He loves reading books and we have a book exchange not too far from us that they visit together pick books out and sit and read together and lego is a big thing as well with them. I make sure that there are plenty of activities for them to do even movie nights.
The talks with him weren’t necessarily lectures, the talks I’ve had with him have been after he’s done something really bad like when he’s been violent, and instead of talking at him I’ve told him I’m there to help him and I’ve talked with him about how sometimes our emotions can get the better of us but how we need to find appropriate ways to deal with said emotions.
I find every possible way I can to be praising him when he’s doing good things especially when I’m his carer when dad is at work, this is anything from his favourite meal, to his favourite lolly, to his favourite activities to even giving him extra special treats like play land that’s near us. I usually do things like; “thank you so much for your help you’re such a good helper, for being so good and doing that what would you like as a treat?” Or if it’s a particularly busy day running errands I will dangle a carrot and say hey I need you to be on your best behaviour today, if you can do that for me then we can go bowling or what ever he’s been talking about wanting to do..
I have been in his life since just before he was 2 and he is the first child that I have ever been parenting, so to speak. Telling him I don’t want to be his mum I want to be his friend come from him saying “mum said your not my mummy”..
Thank you to you all for replying. I have taken a few ideas from you all and I’m going to have a chat with my partner when he gets home from work and see what we can come up with before we have Mr 7 on the weekend.
Again thank you all for your time ❤️
All the one on one time is in the home? Do you and the little brother lock yourselves away?
You count them watching a movie when youre all there?
Come on, he needs REAL one on one time, with just him and his dad.
Fishing, cycling, walking etc.
You have an answer for everything.....
Yes little bro and I go for a walk so that they have the house to themselves, or do the boring stuff like grocery shopping, or I plan an activity for mr 1 so that he is occupied and not trying to interrupt their time.
Sadly Mr 7 doesn’t like outside activities like fishing or cycling. We have a bike and scooter for him that he has no interest in even with dad encouraging him, we have cubby houses, roller skates, skateboards, he just has no interest. With his mum he doesn’t go outside to play he’s given his iPad to play games as that’s what he enjoys doing, even when fad says what do you want to do today? His answer 90% of the time is play with lego, read books or watch a movie. When dad tries to push the outside play he starts to get upset.
I’m sorry if it seems like I have an answer for everything but I’ve been around since he was 2, so it’s not like I haven’t tried a lot of things to try and make his time here as pleasant for him and everyone else as possible.
As I said we try to do activities around things he likes, which is his lego, movie nights( if the cinema where we live didn’t shut through covid then they’d still be going to the cinema instead of at home), bowling, inflatable world, play lands they get to do that stuff on their own without me without mr 1.
I have also tried giving him one on one time as he and I used to have one on one time too which included mr 1 staying with his grandma for a few hours while we went to the park, after half an hour at the park he was bored and wanted to go home to watch a movie so that’s what we did. His time with us is centred around what he tells us he wants to do
More passive aggrressive comments about bio mum...eye roll....do you live there? urghh My son is a computer nerd, hes now making money on youtube at 14 and I used to sit in my room and read and write stories. T
Every child is different. Hes not getting quality one on one time if you and the 2 year old go for a walk :( . Dad needs to find his thing with his son and be able to do it without interruptions from a 2 year old or you. This kid is screaming for dad time, thats why hes so resentful when hes cared for by you. It isnt rocket science, its pretty clear. Two year old has dad all week, step son is at an age where he needs/wants dad. You need to give him that, properly, for real, not an hour whilst you go for a walk. The resentment will become true hatred for you and your son if you dont be honest with yourself and provide this to your step son. Ive seen it play out, its not good when they become teens.
Sounds like he's jealous of his little bro?
I mean it could be jealousy, but the only thing that has particularly changed is he now has to eat at the table with an extra person. We moved to a bigger place so that big bro had his own space with his own things so he didn’t have to share with little bro, and because he isn’t with us often dad gives Mr 7 more attention than Mr 1. He gets special treats when he’s with us that are completely centred around him and his likes, and he even gets 1:1 time with me because we used to have a lot of 1:1 time before bub come, so have been mindful not to give away the 1:1 time he and I had prior to bub as well.
We tried to include him as much as we could leading up to baby’s birth and even afterwards as well. We got him to get involved with bath time and to introduce people to the new baby. We even got him a special present when baby was born.
And behaviours have only really started from December school holidays. Prior to that he was generally good for me apart from normal kid moods where they’re not feeling the day- like anyone has.
I’m just at a loss as to what to try next. We’ve tried time outs, we’ve tried talking with him to tell him why his behaviour isn’t acceptable, we’ve tried reward charts, reward bucks, taking toys away from him, taking special outings away, being over the top with praise when he does something good.
At times I am his main carer as his dads work schedule sometimes isn’t very forgiving. Dad does talk to him about his behaviour but his approach is usually more like “mate that’s not very good” and mr 7 just says okay and the conversation moves to something fun. I get why dad doesn’t want to be upset with him but at the same time I’m in agreement with others who have commented saying that dad needs to do the talking.
I just don’t know how to approach anything around this topic anymore..
Definitely could be jealousy. Little one lives with his dad. A dad he doesnt see much, he goes in your care when hes there, it definitely could be that to an 8 year old. You really couldn't guess what it is, unless you or dad speak to him and listen, instead of guessing and explaining etc etc. Someone has to get down to what hes thinking. Remember its his point of view. It doesnt have to be real or what you think or that youve tried etc etc etc, just hear his point of view, acknowledge it, and work together to work out ways to change it (in his opinion).
He’s not always in my care, mostly it’s for a few hours here and there either after he wakes up or just before he goes to bed. Dad has majority of the day and when not working nights has from around midday to 8:30 when he goes to bed to spend time doing what ever he wants to do 😊
When he was here last I did speak with him and ask what was going on, he told me he was behaving the way he was because he wanted a dog, so I said okay well if you want a dog we need to be doing nice things what kinds of things do you think we could do?
When dad talks with him the only answer he ever gets is I don’t know why.
And when dad says back we’ll that’s okay not everyone is good 100% of the time but what do you think we could do next time so we don’t get into trouble and he will answer that.
I’ve even tried saying to him okay let’s all sit down and work out what some rules can be that we all need to follow and we wrote them out with him spear heading what he thinks our house rules should be to keep us all happy and safe.
The silliest thing is I can stop him when he’s doing something naughty and ask him if it’s the right thing to be doing and he can tell me when it’s not the right thing to be doing.
It’s just getting to the point where lm honestly scared he’s going to hurt himself because he’s not listening when im asking him to stop doing dangerous things.
Thank you for your input, I think I might try getting us all to sit down again and maybe rewrite a list of rules that we all need to follow and come up with a reward/discipline system to follow with rules..
Could it just be his age. He is trying to be more assertive. Does it line up with an increase in testosterone in childhood development.
Your making it about being a step child. Is it just normal.
Be consistent it’s probably just a phase! Have set consequences and stick to them every time! Don’t change it up. Learn his Currency. Continue to be positive with positive behaviour.
It will be interesting to see your perspective when your own child goes through these stages!
I’m certainly not trying to make it about him being a step child at all.
As his bio mum states “I am nothing to him never have been and never will be” I’m not actually even allowed to refer to him as my step child in the presence of his bio mum her family or my partners family either.
I’m literally asking for other ideas on what could possibly be happening and if anyone else has gone through anything similar so I can look at other things.
I didn’t think about the possibility of it being a hormonal thing as when we have spoken to people that also mind him they don’t get the same behaviours so I will definitely look into that as a possibility and ways to help support him. Thank you
He could play up for just you because he knows how you feel about his mum.
You seem kind of bitter.
And don't say you've never said or done anything ever in his presence or within earshot...
Kind of bitter how?
I don’t have anything bad to say about his mum? She does a wonderful job raising him. For the most part he is a beautiful kind caring kid.
The only negative thing I have to say about his mum is that she refuses to co parent and will not enter into any conversation with partner and I when we ask if we can talk and create some consistency between the two houses so that transition between the places are easier for him.
We actually don’t speak about his mum in front of him or to him or around him, if he says mummy says blah blah blah we both say oh okay that’s okay that’s mummy’s rules at her house this is how we do it here or what ever we direct the conversation away from what happens as we know she doesn’t like him talking about what happens when he is with her. And if we need to speak about something we do it either once he is in bed or once he is no longer in our care.
The resentment for him and his mother can be seen in your post and subsequent comments.
You even credit him with tearing your family apart.
They are strong words, you think he doesnt pick up on that?
The best actor in the world couldnt hide that.
Your issue is with his father, not him.
I strongly suggest reading The Smart Stepmum. Also join one of the many Facebook groups for stepmums if you are on Facebook. Your experience is normal and could be due to how his biological mother is talking about you to him (Ignore the people on here talking about your attitude to her - only stepmums will get it). And keep talking to your husband about how to work together on this. You need back up.
Thank you so much, I will have a look right now.
I love that little boy like he is my own, so the comments attacking me when I’m asking for help on other ideas to deal with behaviour that I just haven’t seen or dealt with before is really hard to read.
Dad and I have had multiple conversations since he last stayed and we’re definitely going to try a couple of things suggested above again but with him spear heading it.
But most of all dad is going to talk to him and reiterate that his behaviour with me isn’t acceptable.
Thank you for your kind words, and for your understanding and for your help xx