I have been with my husband for 8 years, married almost 3.
I have been watching the new Netflix show sex/life. It’s got me thinking…
While I’m not thinking about a previous partner I’m thinking in general about my previous life. I miss it. I feel like I have been feeling unhappy for about a year. Maybe even slightly longer. I’ve gotten so used to being “fake happy” that I can’t remember exactly when the real happy left me.
My husband works full time and so do I, I work long hours and have continued to build my career to a point where I earn just over double my husband. I mention this because to earn that kind of income I need to pull big hours.
I do all the cleaning and cooking (occasionally he will cook dinner maybe once a fortnight) I do the grocery shopping, I do all the pick up and drop offs for our teenage daughter (his step daughter) which at times is very challenging due to my work schedule.
We have seperate accounts, he is not good with money. I am a saver he’s a spender. He contributes a small amount per week $280 towards all of our outgoings. Which leaves me to pay for the rest almost triple this amount.
I feel resentment. I’m not 100% happy with my current position but financially there is so much pressure on me to hold up our household. I think the resentment started in March last year, Covid hit and he quit his job because he is hot headed and constantly fought with his manager/the owner. Fart forward to now, he’s constantly complaining about his current position and has been hot headed with workmates. I am worried eventually he will be fired.
I no longer feel sexually attracted to him. Our sex life has never been mind blowing (if I’m being truthful) and for the last 6 months I don’t even feel like having sex.
I am not a saint. I can be moody and irritable. I pull big hours and that means I’m not always available physically or mentally. I am no longer affectionate, I try but it feels fake.
I don’t not love him, I just don’t know if I am IN love with him anymore.
I guess I want to know if others have felt doubts? How did you filter through the “fake” you put out into the world to find your truth? I’m in my mid 30’s and I’m worried about divorce. I’ve never been divorced before. Do I even want to be divorced?
Please help. I’ll be reading the comments!
14 Replies
There are some core problems there. If yoy scroll down theres another post similar where he puts in limited and she pulls all the weight. You should read that advice.
He can definitely pull more weight around the house. Why did you commit and get married if you saw those flaws back then? I mean, is the relationship salvagable if you think back to how it was, or did you ignore it and now its got to breaking point.
If I am being honest with myself, these issues have been there since the beginning. He has 3 children to a previous marriage and approx 4 years ago his ex wife caused a fair amount of grief with our family. I think I got married because I used his ex as an excuse for all the “bad” things that weren’t working.
I am so torn. I don’t want to hurt him but I also don’t want to continue if this is what my life will be.
I talk to him about issues (example is cleaning) and he goes great for about a week or 2 than straight back to doing jack. Even my teenage daughter comments on it regularly.
Well then youve seen long enough to know thats who he is. I would say to speak to him again, ongoing, make sure hes aware, and set yourself a time limit, say 4 months, to see if you can work it out and decide. If youve tried everything and youre still unhappy then its time to go. If there are no changes then youre free to go anytime before that as well.
Resentment builds when effort isn’t even.
It’s ok to walk away when you done! Life’s too short to be miserable
If you earn double then why doesn’t he stay home, cook clean and run the teenager around.? It might help and change things a lot. Try this. If you earn double then surely one income could be enough. It’s good that he does think enough to help for a few weeks, it’s not perfect but it shows that he listens and understands. Maybe you just need some time out for yourself. You would be exhausted.
Sit him down and talk to him. Come up with some options and work on a time frame and tell him. If things aren’t better in 3-6 months, you are going to get a place on your own. Be gentle with him. You don’t know what he is thinking on the inside also. You might just need some time apart for yourself. You sound overworked.
You can't live a life of resentment just because you're worried about divorce. You deserve happiness and to feel supported. Even if you're on your own, you won't be eaten away by the toxic resentment you're feeling now.
I'm not saying leave him or don't. Just don't settle for second best because you don't want to be divorced.
That series was awful. A classic example of women being fickle, superficial and basic. Hubby and I started it and stopped after wondering if that is why so many people throw away good relationships to chase a unicorn/
I thought the exact same thing when I read up to that. But did you read on past that...??
I did. But it concerns me that a deeply shallow, selfish and fickle show is what gets her thinking about leaving. I wonder if some of these issues are out of context or exaggerated or being used to justify things. Gosh, that show glorifies a semi abusive unhealthy relationship and presents the healthy one as lacking
You should talk to your husband about your concerns. It sounds like he’s not lifting his weight and all the pressure is on you. Maybe even give counselling a go. If this relationship is important to you then it’s worth trying absolutely everything you can think of before giving up on it. Then at least you will know you gave it your best shot before walking away.
Over time the feeling of love changes from a very passionate love to a more quiet love. It takes work to keep the spark going. Maybe you could try prioritising more time with him to see if that helps. Stop faking it. Why would he try to fix things if he thinks you’re happy?
I think for a marriage to work we have to accept that a relationship isn't going to be amazing sex and lots of spark all the time. I feel like sometimes past relationships are like childbirth, we forget all the pain and anguish and only reflect back on the good stuff.
In saying that the issues you have with your husband are valid. You aren't a team, he needs to shape up or ship out. So have a very honest conversation with him about how you are feeling.
All the best
I couldn’t respect someone that does nothing around the house. Therefore I’d lose attraction to him. I’d be gone
There are so many things in this I could have written myself AND thought about putting down in here after watching Sexlife.
All jokes aside its not about the 'hot ex and the great sex' it seriously opened things up for me that I was already questioning about my long term relationship.
My other half is a gonna, gonna do this gonna do that... and I'm a doer!
Hes beyond terrible with money and pre kids I was great. Now dont Get me wrong, I'm not perfect by far but I can see benefits of me being single, money wise and getting stuff done wise. We've recently changed to seperate accounts after I started seeing the fact that he has now night me down financially as much as him!! I can't leave $50 in my account without him needing it for fuel or something else so it got me thinking about being needing to be financially stable for me again rather then relying on him who currently can't even put a roof over our head! (In only off work while I had kids, something we decided together).
Anyway, sorry to ramble on and take over your post but you are not alone here and I hope you can sort out what's best for you xx