Please read this right threw. It's long
Ladies.. and gents I guess.
2 years ago I wrote in on the page about my husband not wanting another child as we had 3 and he was absolutely done. I desperately wanted baby number 4. I desperately wanted a girl (have 3 boys who I love dearly).
I read so many replies about not pushing him. If I didn't want one and he did that it would be ok for me to say no. "Enjoy the kids you have now" I heard ALLLLL the arguments my husband had other than not wanting more. "We would have to update the car, we would need a bigger house. We can't afford it. We could lose our house.
Well fast forward 2 years, My husband caved and gave me baby number 4 but he told me he didn't want another child but did it for me.
I got my little girl.
But we are now separated and about to be divorced. This didn't come lightly he tried really hard to be ok but he couldn't forgive me for pushing and couldn't handle the extra load
The stress was too much for him and it broke us, My kids only see their dad 1 night a week and every second weekend, we sold our house and I cant afford to buy a house for us and neither can he So he rents and because I'm home with a baby I can't afford rent so I live with my parents. I now have to share my kids with my husband who I had been with since 15 I will get every second Christmas and every second Easter with my kids.
My kids cry when they leave me to go to him and they cry when they leave him to come to me. Our eldest son recently said "it's your fault my dad doesn't live here. I hate you! (Easy guys. He is 9) and sadly he is right. I pushed my husband to do something he absolutely 120% did not want to do after he told me he didn't think we couldn't handle it. I love my daughter and I wouldn't give her back, but I often wish I hadn't pushed the limit because I lost my family and my home to fulfill a need and now I feel 5000 times more empty than I did prior to the birth of my baby girl. Ladies if you want another baby but you already have a family, and a home and a life and your husband is certain he doesn't want another child.. don't do it.
Im part of a single mothers group and a lot of the mothers are in the exact same situation. Please even if you're husband agrees he is properly only doing it to make you happy and in the end it'll make you sad when you're entire world falls apart please make do with the family you have already move on from the need of "more babies" and change it to "more for my babies" I live in Byron Bay, one of the most beautiful towns in Australia surrounded by so many people and im bloody lonely.
Don't push for that extra baby.. please reas
Don't push for that extra baby.. please reas
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
19 Replies
Sorry to read this. Youre carrying a lot of guilt. Breaking up is hard, sorting things out is hard, but eventually the kids grow up, you can work, you get sorted financially, you get a stable home, it all falls into place.
Honestly its so much harder logistically and financially apart, if he chooses this over doing it together then thats actually his problem and his choice, you cant carry all the blame for this.
And you let your child know that you and his dad splitting is an adult choice and it has to happen, theres no blame it took two. You will all come to terms with it eventually. I actually think you should go and speak to someone for your own good to get through this part.
You have to separate your baby from your divorce. It's not the child's fault, even though you say you know this your whole post blames an innocent baby for the breakdown and that's not a healthy thing to be doing. Your marriage would have had to have had issues before number 4. I have 4 and there wasn't much difference between 3 and 4, yes you need bigger car but it's not that much of a massive deal. Your 3rd pregnancy could have been twins making 4 kids, would that have been too much for him and OK to walk away? No, you play with the hand you've been given. He did agree to it, you didn't have the baby without his permission. Please don't drag your baby into it when other things would have been the cause.
People have different limits, just because you coped with four, doesn’t mean others can.
Maybe this man also had the full financial burden, maybe your family had more money, or you worked as well. Everyone’s situation is different. When you are coerced and guilted into something, it’s easy to lose love/respect for that person.
She's not blaming the baby, and for you to read it like that is missing her entire point. She's blaming herself for pushing for the baby instead of respecting her husband's wishes and he gave in.
Thankyou! I'm glad you read it that way because that's exactly how I meant it. My husband tried. He tried really really hard. But everyone has a limit and I pushed him past his
This is not in anyway my baby's fault. And I know that. Our relationship itself was fantastic prior to me pushing past his limit. Yes, our 3rd could have been twins. But hat is totally different. Falling pregnant with twins is out of someone's control.
Our marriage like all, had little kinks. But nothing serious. Unfortunately, I dismissed how it would affect his mental health because I knew he would love our baby when she arrived. And he does. He is a great father. But sometimes when someone is at their limit. They're at their limit. And Unfortunately he was.
Everyone has limits. My post was more so to ask people to not risk their lives for something they're both not 100% on board for. I don't blame my daughter. Not even in the slightest, andnill never ever allow her to feel this was because she was born it was just my advice to other mums pushing the limit. My husband is still my best friend. But unfortunately now that's all it'll ever be
You blame having an extra child on your divorce, that's what your post is about. You resent having your child. You may not see it like that but you wouldn't be here writing this if you didn't. You think you would still be with your partner if you didn't have a fourth and you're advising people against making the same "mistake" as you.
I'm not the poster.
Having a 3rd (and final child) put a massive strain on my marriage. Things were good before she came along, that's not her fault but that's the reality.
It was a lot of little things like the financial stress, the sleep deprivation, my mental health and coping ability, living in a too small house - a few of those things I didn't anticipate, a few I did but brushed off as "It will be fine". It all builds up and it takes a toll..
My daughter didn't ask to be born, I don't blame her or resent her for any of those struggles, nor do I regret having her now that she's here. I love this kid more than imaginable.
However, in hindsight, I am able to see that choosing to have her wasn't a smart decision. If I had my time again, knowing what I know now, I don't think I'd make that same choice again.
Both those feelings can coexist, I also think it might be something people like you struggle to comprehend not having experienced it.
Ops main point was to really think it through before pushing an unwilling partner into having another child - surely you can't argue against that?
I don’t see her as blaming the baby, I see her blaming herself for forcing an issue when her partner said he was done and didn’t want anymore and she kept begging and begging and bringing it up and hoping he would change his mind. He get forced to change his mind to appease her desire for another baby and couldn’t hack it. That is what she’s blaming herself for.
I’m the person that will say a no overrides a yes every time when it comes to more kids.
This lady didn’t listen to our advice when we all said she’d end up being a single mother and now she feels immense guilt for destroying what she had and not listening to her partner/husband, or any of the advice given to her.
I do hope her life gets better and this warning goes out to all those women forcing their partners to change their minds to get what they so desire. That they listen and don’t end up in the same boat. Also for the men out there…. If you don’t want anymore babies you can get a vasectomy and use condoms they are there and you don’t need a prescription for condoms and they’re pretty cheap when it comes to having another baby to raise instead.
I don't get that at all. It's VERY clear she regrets the decision, not the child!
Agree...Appreciate what you have and respect your partners boundaries and their knowledge in knowing what they can handle. A child is a massive commitment and you need to be fully invested. An enthusiastic yes, like sexual consent, is the only way.
You never know though, you may reconcile in the future, if the love is still there x
My husband is still my best friend, but unfortunately that's all it will ever be now. I hurt him. I broke his boundaries and I pushed him past his limit after he had already told me he was there. If I were him, and had that done to me I'd have left too.
Yes but if that really was the only issue in an otherwise great relationship, and you see that quite clearly, own it and would do anything to undo it, then there is the chance for a future.
If hes a great father and coping fine now, there should be a way forward together. Id ask him to go to a psychologist to work through the emotional turmoil the coersion has caused him. See where hes at on the other side of that.
Thank you for posting this.
The last time this topic came up here, it became clear to me that some women would stop at nothing to get what they wanted in this regard, even if it meant doing something that was morally questionable or playing fast and loose with the parameters of consent.
Your honesty and self awareness is refreshing. I really hope your insight resonates with the people who need to hear it!
I also hope you're able to make peace with your situation. We live and we learn 💜
It's really good you've posted this.
I do feel for you and it's very difficult to navigate your emotions and hindsight.
It's apart of ongoing growth & maturity.
I know someone else this happened to. Same situation, 3 boys...dad was happy and didn't want anymore but she "needed" a girl. She got one but she was born with severe disabilities and the dad left as he couldn't cope.
2 women i know one had 3 boys the other 4 boys and both tried again for a girl. Well boy 4 and boy 5 came along. The first still treated him wonderfully thankfully the second said she wanted to leave him at the hospital 🙄
Hi. I'm sorry your marriage broke after your little girl was born, your husband was wrong to walk away. But now you need to be strong and get up and make a life for you and your children. Don't wallow in self pity, love yourself and gather family and friends and ask for help and support. I wish you well and good luck.