We just found out that my husbands older sister (my SIL) was sexually abused twice by their dad about 30 years go now. She didn’t go into the details of it and we didn’t ask because I feel that if she wanted us to know that she would have told us and also I’m not sure I want to know as I already feel sick to my stomach. He has admitted to it and apologised. She told us because we have a 12 month old baby girl and would be devastated if anything were to happen to her niece (our girl has never stayed there alone). Now given that was 30 years ago and nothing has happened since (younger sister wasn’t touched either) we don’t know that anything could happen to our baby but then again we don’t know that it wouldn’t so we have decided our baby girl won’t be having sleepovers just to be on the safe side. Her older brother (8 YO) has been having a few days to a week through school holidays ect though since he was 12 months old and he loves it, he loves going there. Our son is Autistic, only slightly verbal (he wouldn’t be able to tell us if anything was wrong) and still wears nappies as he can’t use the toilet well so he requires nappy changes. Also if he keeps going and our daughter doesn’t, she will surely ask one day why she doesn’t get to go with her brother wouldn’t she
Now I have a lot of questions and I had no idea where or who else to ask so if you can help me or word me some advice I would be ever so greatful.
How likely is it he would re offend after all these years?
We are doing the right thing in choosing not to ever send our daughter yes?
But should we even be sending our son? Is his excitement and willingness to go, proof nothing sinister is occurring? And is it a worry for our son, like is it strictly a girl thing or is it a child thing in general? (He never touched his sons) Do we bring it up with FIL? And how do I act normal around this man now? I have so many questions!! My mind is just constantly spinning about this now.
I assume they don’t know that we know but when I have thought about it, they never ask when they can take the baby on a holiday like they do our son which I didn’t think much of but it’s either they have always thought we have known (which we haven’t) and know that’s why she doesn’t go or he can’t trust himself and/or doesn’t want the risk.
Sorry this is kind of all over the place, I tried to word it as best I could. We are so shocked and my mind is constantly spinning about this. This kind of thing happens a lot but we never thought it would happen so close to home in our family.
51 Replies
This man admitted to sexually abusing a child. HIS OWN CHILD!
You should be cutting him off point blank. For the love of god don't let him have access to any of your children...
Pages
Are you serious??? Youre calculating risks and playing the odds with your childs safety with a known child sex offender.
WAKE UP.
Remember he only hasnt reoffended that you know about. No this doesn't happen once (TWICE at least) and never again. It wasnt an accident. He's a predator.
She told you, because 30 years later what happened to her, what he did to her, still affects her. Out of your minds to try to convince yourself your kids will be ok just so you dont have to rock the boat.
What this man did was unforgivable.
The man should be rotting in prison not enjoying his grandchildren.
You do not have the right to gamble with your children's safety.
As a mandated reporter, if you came to me personally with these questions I would report you without hesitation. Allowing a child to interact with a self admitting sex offender is just too big of a risk to take.
💯
I was abused by my uncle, he lived with my mum until very recently.
Mum kind of knew, but nothing was done.
He has gone to prison for grooming his daughter
If I had said something maybe people could watch out for her
She is 13 years old
Maybe you should reach out to this girl and let her know she isn’t alone. How awful for you and her.
I have reached out to the mum, she is alot younger then me so I didn’t have much to do with her. Plus hanging out with my uncle was something I avoided.
I live in another state, have done the entire lifetime of his daughter.
Once I found out my uncle was taken straight to prison but police would not tell mum why, I knew…I contacted my cousins mum.
I tried to testify to aid her case but it has to be tried separately.
This is all happening at the moment, so it’s fresh.
Unfortunately if the family won’t accept what he did it gets covered up.
I tried to tell them many times, fell on deaf ears.
I should have told my cousins mum, although how do you say it to someone with out sounding like a jerk.
I just moved away
Good for you. You carry your own pain. I’m glad you reached out to her mum. What an evil man. He will get his karma. Your poor Cousin too. It’s sickening
No way ever would I risk leaving my children with a pedophile no matter how long ago it happened.
I don't think you actually understand the seriousness of the situation!!
I really hope your brain is just having a moment to process the horror of what happened to your sister in law and it will sink in any day now and you'll PROTECT BOTH of your children from a CHILD SEX OFFENDER. If someone reported you to FACS for sending your son to this man's care what would you say? Oh I calculated the risks and I'm sure its all fine... please do not send your little boy there!
That man should be help accoutable.
The sil acting ok, the mil acting ok, is the reason you and your partner were acting ok, and feel pressured to still act ok. Its sick, and as you said, everybody else doing it makes you think soneone somewhere is secretly making careful choices. What if theyre not??? More likely theyre all to sick and worried about bringing it up as well. What if you also acting normal and sending your son there jsut adds to his cover and he goes on to abuse others. How would you feel.
OMG!!! Stop any children from going near this man. What the hell does the mother say.? I would have nothing to do with this man ever again. Don’t even let your child in the same house as this man. How sickening and disgusting!! Get your son checked out thoroughly. He is a target of this creep. Get him checked now.
What the!!! What is your husband doing and you sound like you are shocked so benefit of the doubt her but cut ties with this scum right now!!! Do not ever allow any child near this scum again. Get your son into a Dr and checked over. You would have no idea if he has done anything to him. Open your eyes this man is vile! He should be in prison. Do not allow another child near him. Wake up and protect these kids!!
YOU SHOULD NOT EVEN BE QUESTIONING SENDING YOUR SON! HE MAY GET EXCITED COZ THIS FILTH BRIBES HIM OR BUYS HIM STUFF. THIS POST IS REALLY DISTURBING. YOU ARE ALLOWING YOUR CHILD TO BE PUT A RISK!
JUST BECAUSE HE IS A BOY DOESNT MEAN ANYTHING, SO STOP THINKING IT DOES!
HE HAS PROB ALREADY DONE SOMETHING TO YOUR POOR SON. MAKE SURE YOU HAVE HIIM CHECKED AND ASK HIM QUESTIONS OR TO DO DRAWINGS AND REPORT THIS MONSTER!
Like reoffend???? HELLO!!! he probably never stopped. Just because he may not have to her, it would be someone else. He is a monster. Wake up to yourself. Ring brave hearts and get some information and facts ASAP. You need to understand how serious this is. Don’t set foot near that monster again with your kids ever.
KUDOS TO YOUR SIL!
This man has freaking admitted it and you're seriously questioning letting him have access to your kids? How fucking naive are you?
Ring bravehearts and ask for advice and help. I’m sorry but he has probably already touched your son and that should be your first priority, making sure he is ok. He needs nappy changes oh dear this is so sad for your son. Having ti spend all this time in harms way at no choice of his own.
I'm a survivour of child sexual abuse. My mothers husband molested me for many many years but not my sisters. These 'men' cannot be rehabilitated. They are born with a sexual desire toward children and they don't develop it later. Its already there in their genetics. Just like ppl are born Gay or Hetero, so too are sexual feishes for children. Keep your kids away from him. I guarentee if he hasn't touched them, he's thought about it.
You and your husband need to tell everyone with kids who is near this mongrel. You and your husband need to cut him off.
Imagine if you all gave advice instead of yelling at her, that would be nice. It must be a massive shock. These are people who her child has built a bond with over his whole life. Really the SIL should have said something many years ago and if the husband knew then he should have too. OP is rightly very confused right now, no need to make her feel bad for this. Imagine if it was your own parents or in laws you had just found this out about, you would be a mess and definitely not thinking clear.
People are yelling or having a strong response to this because this is a really confronting topic and secondly because the OP doesn't seem to grasp the seriousness of the issue.
The man's a predator, her son is non verbal and on the spectrum - that child has an added layer of vulnerability as a result that she doesn't seem to have even considered.
I get that shock (far more than you could imagine) but her first instinct isn't to get her babies out of harm's way, it's to rationalise and minimise the level of risk. She's doesn't need a sugar coated "oh hun, this must be hard", she needs the blunt end of the stick.
I think it's because she is in disbelief, it is OK to feel like that after finding out something of this nature. The post is also written like someone with anxiety, you don't think well when panicked. It doesn't seem to me like she's being blase about it, she doesn't know what to do that's why she's here. A bit of understanding before attacking wouldn't go astray.
We all understand, we are all in disbelief. No one is being awful. We all want what is best for her kids and that is no where near that evil man. We want the msg clear to her. They are in danger. We are all here to support her in this, who wouldnt.
Exactly strong response so she realises how bad this is.
NOT YELLING AT ALL, IF THATS HOW YOU INTERPRET IT. JUST SHOCKED AND SICKENED BY THIS SO JUST REPLYING WITH MY INFO TO STAND OUT TO SEEK HELP AND FOR HER NOT TO TAKE HER KIDS THERE.
The SIL should have in your books but she would be traumatised and if you haven’t suffered abuse before, you’ll never know how you’d react. She prob never been able to admit it and speak about it openly to others. It would have been the hardest thing for her to do. That is her Dad. How sickening for her. The man who was meant to protect her. How any mother could ever stand by a husband pedo, I will never ever understand. This poor sil.
I'm not supporting a pedophile sorry.... We've spoken the truth..... She's endangering her own children....
As an abuse victim, the worst part was the pretending after. The way that the people who knew and should have protected me, didn't. Instead I was shamed to silence and my abuser went on to live completely absolved. As an adult when I finally lost my marbles I lost most of my family but I've never been more free.
What you need to do now is cut this man off. He deserves to be exposed for the fucking scumbag he is, but that is for your SIL to control and for you both to support her in doing so. You don't go there, your husband doesn't go there, your kids don't go there. No phone calls, photos, FB access, nothing. Starting now he is dead to you.
He may never face any justice, highly unlikely he'll get the ultimate justice he deserves. At least he can live lonely and miserable outted as the piece of shit he is.
Exactly this. People avoid conflict. They can reason its long ago, its not in their face, its difficult or not their place to bring up. They are NOT being cautious, they are avoiding seeing and confronting it.
Very well said! I hope she follows your advice.
I’m so sorry you had to live this! My mum was abused by her father also, as well as several sisters and somehow she has always been the one being blamed. No one stood by her, no one tried to support her, she was (is the black sheep) He died a free man who was able to live his life as if he was a decent human. My Mum blocked it all out until I was older and had spent numerous holidays etc with them. Thank god nothing ever happened to me! And I know she would never have forgiven herself if something had.
They are all protecting him and their reputation! Do not cover this up. tell everyone. Good for you for reaching out. Please don’t send your kids there again ever.
You don’t know that nothing has happened since. I’m sure it would have, maybe not with the sister but someone else. You need to make sure, he hasn’t touched your son. It’s a possibility so do everything you can to find out from your son. Get him to a Dr and child psychologist ASAP. Please don’t send your kids anywhere near this man again. Boy or not! He is a pedo and your son isn’t safe just because he is a boy. Please seek professional help.
Hi poster please note none of us are having a go at you. We are supporting you. We are reacting in shock also. So don’t take these replies the wrong way. We are just trying to alert you to never send your kids there again and don’t feel guilty for doing so. Protect your babies at all costs, boy and girl. Good luck with it. Stay strong and stay right away from this evil man. We are all here to support you.
The family will want it kept hush because of the embarrassment and reputation. Do not protect this evil man. Speak up and protect your kids and others. I really feel for your son and hope he hasn’t touched him too. Once a pedo, always a pedo. Stay strong mumma. Cut ties with this evil thing.
I would 100% not be sending a non verbal child who needs nappy changes to a known child sex offenders house.
That poor sister. What a brave woman she is to tell you to protect your children. Honour her bravery, tell the FIL you know what has happened and you will not allow the children to sleep over or be alone with them ever again… full stop… end of story.
If you don’t and something happens, that is neglect. If you willingly send them after knowing this information and they get sexual abused, you have neglected your duty of care to keep them safe.
I feel so very reassured by the fact that no one has said yes its a good idea to still have a relationship with this man. Get your kids away from him and anyone else who thinks he deserves a chance
Its alot to gamble with. Weather he is likely or unlikely to reoffend i would ask myself if it was worth the gamble. My answer to that would be no. Also you don't know that he hasn't reoffended.
Unfortunately its HORRIBLE when a family member is found to be a child sex offender. My heart goes out to you and your family, it really sucks when you can't trust your kids grandparents with your kids.
I think it will be interesting to see how he reacts if you stop any unsupervised contact with him, if he does get offended i would say it would show a lack of remorse and understanding of his actions.
Do not allow him to go there unsupervised. Your father in law is a predator and your son is a vulnerable person. I wouldn’t be taking chances.
Jesus are your children worth the risk???!!! Wow.
What would your response be if this was a teacher or childcare worker looking after your children? Would you still send them? Forget that it's family, he's a child sex offender. Full stop!
I always say a leopards spot never change; in this case= once an offender…always an offender.
I wouldn’t let either child sleep over, male or female regardless. And I’d probably..maybe go as far as saying no unsupervised visits at all etc.
the worry and wondering ‘what if’ would drive me crazy.
How can you possibly ever trust them? -we’ll the honest answer is, you can’t.
I say protect your kids at all costs..no matter what.
To add to this…I know you would feel terrible right now…having to make that decision. But imagine if he offended again & it’s one of your children. It would break you if that were to happen & you’d never forgive yourself.
OMG I would be supporting SIL to make a report..peodophiles don't just abuse twice and stop 😭 how is the rest of the family Ok with this😫 he wouldn't be seeing my kids again ever!!! I hope he doesn't have access to other children 😥
My then step daughter accused my father in law of touching her and since the day I found out my child has never been around him or my mother in law ever again. 10 years later absolutely never !! I don't even know if it ended up being true as I split with my then partner a year later and he is not in his child's life or his other daughters for that fact but I would never take the risk. Please do not let either of your children around this monster.
Completely normal and rational response to something like this.
Been in similar situations. My ex FIL sexual abused his niece and a student. He was a teacher. Charges was dropped and niece never reported as she was from different country when occurred and she would have been blamed due to that countries beliefs. I separated from kids father told him children are never to be left alone with his father. Found he was leaving kids alone and he his mother snd brother all believe the father didn’t do it. I tried to stop him in court leaving the children boy and girl with grandparents but no luck. Since then the children’s father has abused the children and child protection involved. Now they can only see kids supervised. My son is upset as he can’t understand why he can’t see the grandparents anymore alone. What I suggest is talk to your husband and see what he believes. If he supports the sister then maybe allow only fully supervised contact. If he doesn’t then I would trust kids there with your husband taking them either
I don't usually comment on these sorts of things on here but wow.... A lot to take in first things first.... 10000% don't take either child over..... It doesn't matter if he gets exited to go over (they could be grooming him). I don't understand why everyone's is acting so blaze about it all.... This is a very dangerous situation boy or girl no child should ever be in that house again! And he deserves to rot in jail..... Even considering sending your son again will basically be a free ticket for him to abuse a child again.... No one knows how many he's abused..... DO NOT SEND THEM
As somebody who was abused as an 8 yr old girl by a man who had been convicted of raping his own daughter years earlier I absolutely believe that an abuser can and most likely will reoffend again given the opportunity. Some might say I'm bias because of my history but at the end of they day is it worth risking your daughter's future to find out?
And no I would not allow your son to keep going, regardless of whether this sicko is into little girls or boys, ask yourself this.... Is that the sort of male role model you want around your son?
A pedophile and his DAUGHTER!!!! Wtf?!?! Why is this even a question. What is wrong with you, with your husband, with his MOTHER! this makes me sick. He should be in jail. To answer your question, no, your children should not be anywhere near him. And he should be reported and put on trial. How many more innocent lives have been ruined by this man that you have no idea about?