I can't help but feel guilty. I Introduced my now husband to my 2 kids from a previous relationship after only a month. My kids were 4 and 6. Apparently I moved on way to quickly as I'd only been single 2 months before I reconnected with my current partner. Even when I explain to people I only stayed with my ex a year longer was because of my kids, I'd fallen out of love 2 years prior. I've know my husband for 20 years been together 10 and now married but that doesn't seem to matter . I'm selfish and only thinking with my bits. How do I stop feeling this way? Wil l it be constantly be judged ?
18 Replies
He married you. It wasn't a fling. The people you surround yourself with are judgey. Is your husband a good person? Do you love him? Is he good to your kids? If so, ignore the people who are too unhappy to focus on there own lives.
I’m usually the first to tell people to wait to introduce a new partner to there kids. Some people get lucky and things work out just fine (like I hope they did for you and your kids), and others realise that there kids are hurting and or the guy isn’t who they thought and put everyone through more drama and trauma. If a few months of waiting prevents more heartache on the kids, then I’m all for that. Not to mention waiting is preventative against sexual predators etc (doesn’t mean it absolutely won’t happen).
I don’t think there isn’t a parent out there who hasn’t made a parenting mistake. I definitely have! I mean when I was young and didn’t know better I probably wouldn’t have waited either. Im a bit older now, have heard and known people involved in the horror stories and have read statistics on children abused by new partners.
If this is your parenting mistake, and your kids are unscathed, then thank your lucky stars and let it go. Don’t put precious energy into guilt. But, when asked to give advice or tell your story, maybe acknowledge you got lucky and it’s not something you’d encourage someone else to do.
The thing thats selfish is that it was about you. Youd been out mentally. The kids are different. They hadnt been. And they werent in love, they were going through masisve changes.
I think its important that you can understand that. Not for guilt, or bashing, but you dont seem to understand the kids point of view is different to yours.
As a person who had parents separate at a similar age and remarry quickly, it makes no difference. It sucked no matter what. At least my, is happy. The kids wouldn't grieve for the nuclear family less regardless
Change is difficult, the problem is the risk that marriage doesn't work out and then either stays together harmfully or separates and the kids go through that over again. If you took time theyd have time to adjust and it would happen less often to them.
I wonder if theres issues that OP is telling friends about the current husband or kids or living situation and thats why theyre bringing this up?
There is nothing wrong with our current situation. My kids now 14 and 16 are well adjusted and love their step dad. I started feeling guilty because a male friend has gone through a similar situation recently and was getting absolutely slammed from everyone about what an inconsiderate ahole he is
Depending on the situation there might be good reason for that! If the break up is fresh it is very disrespectful to your ex to start prancing around happily while they are still devastated about the relationship ending and haven't quite picked themselves up off the ground yet. Kids are smart, they can see their parent hurting while the others happy and they start getting protective of the parent that's sad and lashing out at the parent that "made" them that way. They also start resenting the new partner because even though she's probably a great person and came into the relationship fairly, the kids will see her as the home wrecking whore that broke up their family and changed everything. That's why the older the kids are the more likely it is that the above scenario will happen as they see through all the lies and can tell when their parents are not themselves and having a hard time. If you've ever known adult kids to get upset about their parents separating this is why, it's because one parent gets left miserable and they feel as though they need to protect them and treat the other parent like the enemy. I've seen it a few times and I've been a teenager with a father that moved on too quickly leaving my mum to start drinking heavily, quit her job and end up in an abusive relationship. It doesn't hurt to slow things down for the people around you, respect the fact that your ex is your children's family and respecting their time to heal is also respecting your kids.
Then youre taking it on yourself. Theyre not saying it to you. Everyones different and I think in truth even though youve done it the wise advice would be that its best if he doesnt, surely you can see youre lucky it worked out but gambling with kids involved isnt fair, also I bet his coparenting setup is different to yours or not even set up yet, doing that second to hooking up and showing up to see your kids with a 'partner' is an absolutely terrible parenting move.
It's also a case of remembering that people said the same thing to me.
Yes they would have. You made yourchoice. Advice can only really be given at the tim, before a decision is made. Now its to him. Youve made your choices, noones going back over that, you shouldn't either.
I don't know why you're worried about it now since it's been 10 years? But I am one of the people that would have told you it was too soon. It's not just about you, your kids wouldn't have known you emotionally checked out years earlier, they would have just seen mum and dad not living together any more, maybe a house move and all the changes that come with it. Then hello stepdad in amongst all that change. You see it here all the time - women that have been with their partners less than a year and already living together and pregnant and just discovering little problems like laziness, not liking each others kids or families, money issues or even worse, abuse! It makes me so angry for the kids. I really do think it's selfish. I waited 5 years to date again then I waited 3 years to move in with my partner. My ex had 3 serious, live in relationships in that time and each one went straight into a step parent role only weeks after meeting my kids. Not fair on them at all.
Why are you stressing about it now? That was 10 years ago! And sure, it probably was a lot all at once for the kids to process at the time, but that was something to stress over then. Hes your husband now of 10 years! Unless the upset is coming from your teenagers who are expressing it was difficult for them at the time, then you need to move on.
It's been 10 years, I'm just wondering if people still care as much as you think they do? Or maybe it's really just you over scrutinizing yourself because you know on some level that your kids weren't really taken into consideration in terms of how quickly you moved on?
I don't advocate for rushing into new relationships when kids are involved just based on my own childhood experiences, so if you were my friend that's a sentiment I'd have expressed at the time because I care but I wouldn't bleat on about it for 10 years!
So if the people in your life are doing that they're either very judgmental assholes that are completely out of touch with reality and aren't worth your time OR maybe they've seen your kids suffer in this relationship for a long time and are coming from a place of concern...
If your relationship is healthy, your kids are well adjusted, the family dynamic is functional and you're all happy - there's really no point worrying about things that may or may not have been handled better 10 years ago...
Although I personally wouldn't have introduced my kids so soon, no one knows your circumstances, to judge. He married you, he clearly loves you and u him. Be happy and ignore what others say
How you move on and how quickly is different for everyone. Women with children are expected to suffer in silence, while its acceptable for men newly single to fuck everything that moves to get the ex out of the system. The system is broken, not you. What other people think of what you do says more about them and their limited neanderthal brains than you. Do what makes you happy, no regrets. It's your life. Other people can do what they want and live by their self limiting beliefs if they so choose.
Those who dont matter will always judge comment etc...
Those who DO matter will only ever love and support you...choose these people!!
Your life...choose to be happy for you 🖤
Sounds like you are surrounded by grotty people who cannot see past their own issues.
My now Husband wasn't in a relationship with his son's mum for about 3 years before we started dating but he introduced me to his son after only 6 weeks. We have now been together 15 years.
I would say with 10 years together, you made the right choice. Don't let anyone try to guilt you. The only ones who matter are your kids and husband