My partner is asking for a break from our relationship. It's not secret we have our problems but instead of working on them together he wants a "break". He doesn't even know what the break intails (how long, if we are together or not through the break) he can't give a straight answer. We have 3 kids so they would need to be considered during this time as well. How do I explain to him that isn't not what I want and how it makes me feel? I have tried but he says by stopping him im being controlling.
Have you had a "break"? Does it help? How did it work? Does a break mean it's over?
9 Replies
Breaks can work only if there are some rules and as a couple you are doing the work to come back together (therapy individually and together).
A break isn’t a free for all where he gets to live the single life and not do anything to improve the relationship.
He can have all the breaks he wants, but if you don’t agree and don’t feel this is a genuine attempt to improve the relationship, you are free to break up.
Some people will pull the ‘I want a break’ card when they want to break up but don’t have the guts to do it.
Personally I wouldn’t wait around for his break unless he is prepared to do counselling etc. if he isn’t prepared to go to counselling then I’d break up, permanently.
No. If he just needs a week away on his own or with mates to recharge then sure, but that's a break in environment.... A break from the relationship is a break up without the guts to admit that is what he wants.
Yes it can work but it's case by case. My hubby and I have been together 19 yrs. 6 yrs ago we had an 2 year break. I left him until he fixed his meth issues. With intense counciling, rehab, and his families support he got clean and stayed clean. 5 years on we are happier than ever.
So yes, it can and does work. It was a refresher for us. A re - set. A new beginning. It was a lot of hard work. But it depends on how badly someone is willing to change . It's not a free for all to do whatever they want though during that time. It worked for us. It may not for everyone.
He wants a break.. what he is actually trying to tell you is that he has someone on the side or of interest to him. So you need to lay the law down and tell him if you can’t work things out together and once he leaves there is no coming back. He will probably toodle off until it doesn’t work out with who ever the person is. Don’t trust him. From my experience and every other person I know now, with social media. This is what a break means. Check his phone and anything else without his knowledge, I think you’ll find some truths. An old friend. Work friend. Any one he has linked up with on social media. Don’t be naive for your own good.
I don't believe so.
In my younger days I had a relationship where he wanted a break and I didn't. I agreed thinking he would come back after he thought it all out.
Turned out this "break" was so he could screw his colleague without the guilt. But would still come and hang out with me too.
In my experience, it's a way for them to walk away from the relationship without actually ending the relationship.
If there is something he needs to deal with, surely he can work through it with you.
During the “break” my husband and I had, where we were meant to work on ourselves and our issues, he slept with multiple women. Had them in our house, bed, and around our son.
My husband and I had a break about 10 years ago. We had been together 14 years and our relationship was all but over. I moved into my own rental house with our 3yo daughter and we decided that if we were going to make it work, we had to strip it all back and start again. Friends, dates, LOTS of talking, we fell in love again. We moved back home a year later. A break doesnt necessarily mean the end. Sometimes it can be the best thing for your relationship. Of course it will be hard on you and the kids, but if you're treating it as a fresh start, then it may be the best thing that ever happens to you.
My husband and I had a 4 month break several years ago. We had hit a really rocky patch several months earlier, we’d been through some really stressful events and had become hostile and resentful towards each other, he was also drinking heavily (which I think was his way of coping with what was going on in our relationship). I was the one who initiated the break, I needed space from him to reevaluate what I wanted in our relationship and figure out whether it was salvageable so I moved out of our home with our son and in with my parents. It was also to give him an idea of what life would be like without myself and our son living with him if we did separate because I was not happy about the heavy drinking and he needed a kick up the bum to decide what was more important to him, his family or booze. We discussed and agreed upon some rules first, a big one was this was not an opportunity for either of us to date/sleep with other people while on the break and we both decided we needed to go to counselling to try and work through our issues in a constructive and rational way. In the end it was very beneficial for both of us, we learnt a lot about ourselves and each other and we haven’t looked backed since.
This might be something you don’t have control over. He is feeling you he needs space.
I would seperate rather than a ‘break.’. That way you’re both free to make decisions for yourself without consequences. My sister and her husband were separated for two years (didn’t talk unless it was about the kids). Then they’re back together!!
Look, if he wants to seperate, let him move out. You can work on yourself, let him work on himself and see where you end up.
The kids will be happy when their parents are happy. It won’t be easy but if it’s what your husband wants then he has made his mind up already.