Hi ladies, my fiance and I have been together for 9 months, and the whole time we've been together he's been messaging other girls asking for photos and sex, been video chatting and ringing escorts, asking his mates to set him up with girls to "party" with etc. I finally confronted him and he just said "well you could of been doing it too". He is adamant he's never done anything physically and has no remorse or concern for the fact that he's hurt me very badly. I truly believe he will do it again. My question is, would you regard this as cheating? I sure as hell think it is but he's firm on his opinion that he's never cheated. I'm so confused and completely broken. It certainly feels like cheating to me!
31 Replies
Everyone has a different opinion on what they would say is cheating.
If you feel like it’s cheating then that’s your answer. I would classify this as cheating.
Honestly I feel you need to get out of that situation ASAP. Especially if he has been doing it the whole time.
Definitely do not marry him.
For him to say "You could have been doing it too" shows he isn't serious about you. Don't marry him. You haven't been together long, take the L and dump him.
Girl run for the hills from this clown. Youve seen all you need to, surely
Together 9 months and already engaged. Seriously! You are being played. Get out now!
Not cheating. But he doesn't love or respect you.
By the way this is exactly how cheaters operate. Everything you explained. They think youre doing it too, it justifies it, hes telling you he believes you both secretly treat the relationship like dirt. Disrespecting you and the relationship is not that bad. Upsetting you isnt on his conscience.
The only difference is when hes caught out he will turn on the waterworks and 'show' remorse. Hes telling you the truth here though, you need to listen.
To the majority of people, this would be considered cheating. Either way, I’d be out the door so fast and I’d never see him again.
You won’t have a happy life with this guy.
He’s putting you at risk of STIs. He’s asking other women for sex, contacting escorts. Of course you feel cheated on!! He doesn’t sound sorry or remorseful. It sounds like he doesn’t care and will continue to do it.
You don’t have to settle for this behaviour. It’s ok to move on and find someone who doesn’t put your sexual health at risk.
The definition of cheating isn't the problem here.
Do you want this to be your future?
He won't change. He won't suddenly respect you. He doesn't care.
You deserve more. So much more. Please, please, go out there and find it with someone worth your love.
If this is happening in the first 9 months. And it is not behaviour you want to continue into your married life. Please end this here for your own sanity.
Whatever it is it’s definitely not good!!! You’re only 9 months in! Please don’t marry him or have babies with him it will be disastrous 😫
Aww mate, hes not a keeper.
He is DISRESPECTING you horrendously. Hes giving zero f@*%s about your feelings.
At least its clear now before for you marry him. Do you want this to be your life?
I hope you find the strength to leave. X
It’s not only okay for him to be chasing women, he’s okay with you chasing men.
This guy is a scum bag.
Engaged after nine months, obviously the charming kind of scum bag, don’t fall for it, wake up, run.
Let him be firm on his opinion elsewhere.
You consider it cheating. DON'T EVER SECOND GUESS YOUR GUT FEELINGS.
Get out now, there's no happily ever after here.
I'd consider it cheating too.
I don’t consider it cheating but it sure is disrespectful! If your not the only women in his eyes,definitely not the man to be marrying. I’d be walking away from this relationship while its still early days. You don’t forget behaviours like this even if you end up staying together for another 10yrs, every time he says ‘oh I’m just going to have some beers with the boys’ your head will race with preconceptions that he’s out to find / flirt with another woman.
Engaged 9mths into relationship and the dudes messaging chicks and mates for sex, video calls blah blah.... umm he’s a dick! He’s gotten engaged with you not because he loves you but because it makes him look like he’s ready to commit to you when he’s not.
Cut him off you deserve better.
Yes, so clear he doesnt know what a good relationship is or how to be part of one.
He's literally been asking other women on the internet for nudes and sex - if he hasn't crossed that physical line yet, it ain't for his lack of trying.
Girl, however you wanna label this behavior it doesn't really matter.
What matters is that this isn't behavior that's conducive of a healthy, loving, mutually respectful relationship that you clearly want.
Silver lining is that you know this now, not five years and two kids down the track.
9 months? If he's doing all this now it will get worse. You're supposed to be in the loved up, you're amazing stage. I would say he's not that into you. Leave before you waste too much time with this guy.
Is this for real? Leave this clown. Cheating or not, he doesn't love or respect you. For some reason, you have not been taught that you are worth more than this. You ARE worth more than this.
This guy has no respect for you. You deserve better. I hope you find the courage to leave.
In my experience (watching friends go through this), early emgagement is a sign of control. It will only get worse and so will the gaslighting and manipulating behaviours.
What he is doing to you is not a sign of how worthy you are, it is a sign of how broken he is!
Stay strong sista!
Who cares if its cheating or not, he's a Ahole and you could do so much better - get rid of him.
Yes, yes it is cheating. It is more commonly known as cyber cheating! And your right it probably wont stop, I know it didnt with my husband. He just learned to hide it better. I stupidly believed the bull sh*# that it wont happen again.... now in the process of divorce..
Please for the love of god do not marry this guy. I dont know you but I'm assuming this is not the life you want. You don't want to spend your life questioning your relationship. To me it doesn't matter if he's done anything physical. He has no regard for how his actions have affected you and that to me is disgusting, if not worse than a physical affair. You want and deserve someone who cares about how you feel.
You already know the answer, you feel it’s cheating!
If there was willing participants for these parties, it would of been physical.
To me, anything I’m lied to about or deleted to hide is classed as cheating because he is cheating me from the truth!
Projecting it off himself that you could of done it as well is gaslighting!! why didn’t he tell you from the start he was ok with an open relationship so you could be doing it? Because he doesn’t really want you talking to other men, no doubt he would see it as cheating
And from personal experience... that give an inch, take a mile saying, you let them get away with this behaviour and it will end up physical
It will hurt to walk away, but no one deserves to be disrespected in their relationship.. RUN to find someone else that doesn’t even give another woman a second look because they are all about you!!!
You do have to learn from your own experiences but how many people would say they are glad they stayed in that unhealthy relationship because things did get better
Sending you good vibes to throw him in the bin and be happy
It doesn't matter what other people's opinion on this is... you have clearly said "It certainly feels like cheating to me" then that is YOUR STANDARD and his actions are cheating to you (plus look at majority of the comments - all support you and agree this is cheating- I do too)
He has certainly shown he has no respect for you at all. You said he's been doing this the whole time you have been together... this is a "boy" who shows no value in the person he's suppose to love.
Break the engagement and drop his ass. Go work on yourself, seek counselling if needed. The fact that you need validation in your feelings of being hurt and disrespected tell me you don't value yourself enough.
I went through something similar and after seeking help I now have clear boundaries and standards to what I accept and how I will be treated.
Also he's adamant he hasn't done anything physical because you don't have proof of it...that is what abusers do - they lie, gaslight and manipulate to make their version seem like truth and make you out to be crazy or over-emotional.
Scum bag piss him off.
Leave him in the gutter where he belongs.
Best to find out now than years down the track. I'm sure it's hard as you love him but you deserve better.
Weather it's cheating or not, if you don't feel good about it and are only 9 months into a relationship, and he doesn't give a toss about how you think or feel. WHY are you even considering marrying this dude? walk away, and find someone who will treat you well and respectfully.
He sounds like a dick, you don't need that rubbish.... RUN now
Run.
This is going to be your life, forever, if you believe in your vows.
Where does the line get drawn? Why is lusting over other women and pursuing that online any different to real life?
“But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Matthew 5:28 NIV